Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Fear again.

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. And I've come to the conclusion that it is the number one thing the enemy is attempting to breed throughout this Earth. Why, you say? Oh, I'm so glad you asked!......
Okay. So I believe that fear, or anger for that matter, (anger=the emotional outburst of fear) is quite possibly one of the most controlling and paralyzingly experiences known to man. Think about it. I know that fear has been a prevalent problem in my life. I've lived with it in almost every area for almost all my years. Only recently am I beginning to find the beginnings of victory. I'm cultured. I'm educated. Im deep. I'm trained in people skills & functioning under stressful conditions. I know how to handle much. However, when fear enters the picture I'm a completely different person. I become non-functional. Frozen emotionally and sometimes mentally. It prevents me from experiencing life. And God. I have begun to see how fear itself is quite certainly the emotional display of un-belief. And THAT, my friend, is a dangerous position to be in. I've been trying to catch each experience of fear as it tries to wash over me in tidal waves over the last year or so. And I've been attempting to examine each experience & why & how it's upon me. The thread tying them all together?.... It's simple. The enemy trying to prevent me from being all that God gives me the potential to be. Period. Fear is his largest weapon in his battles against me. He wants me to see it coming & become frozen in my assurance that things are not going to go right. He uses this tactic with all of us. Trying to appear huge, scary, powerful. We buy it every time. I know we do. If we didn't, we'd be living completely different lives. We'd look completely different. A person who believes God completely & takes Him at His Word doesn't look like the rest of this world. They walk with confidence. They are assured of His love & their place in His kingdom. They know how much power & authority they have. (Matt.10:1, Mark 6:7, Luke 4:6, Luke 10:19, Col.2:10) they use it. They are bold. They are changing the world. This is what I'm wrestling with. So I'll shoot it out there for you, too. What am I afraid of? In what area am I not taking God at His word? Why don't I believe Him when He says I can move mountains & trample snakes & cast out demons? Why do such things seem big and scary to me, anyway? Because I allow distraction from truth. I choose to believe something other than God's Word. Let's begin living in faith. Let's shake up this world. I'm going back to the basics. I'm choosing to recite these things every morning. I'm going to watch it change me.....
1.God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's word is Alive and active in ME

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Okay. This is a very nutshell version of the theme that the Lord has seemed to be hounding me with nowadays. This is something Miss Beth taught on & her voice making these points is just not leaving my head. And since im bored & kinda lonely right now, I'm gonna scribble it down here. I hope this is some good to someone out there. I'm so thankful that It's her voice with His truth in my head lately rather than the condeming one that used to be. Praise Him for redemption from the pit!!!!!!..............

It will never be a lack of talent, ability, or the such that will keep us from living n our promised land & being effective.
 It will be FEAR. Always fear. 
(An emotional ourburst of unbelief. ) 
We allow fear to keep us from doing exactly what we know we should.
This is ridiculous, because God says to us "I have given u this land, now go stand on it!" Fear doesn't get to be a factor n my life. 
(I have to be more afraid of missing God in a situation than of what is before me to do. ) I need to look at each situation and pull the fear out. 
(am I refraining only because of fear? 
If so, I don't have any choice but to act anyway. 
Fear is not a good enough excuse. )
1.) the past (rooted in)
(Isaiah 43:18-19):
We're projecting an old fear on a new day!
(Joshua 3:3-4):
My temptation is to project an old fear on a new PLACE. 
I need to just go there!!!! (physically. Literally!)
2). Fear of saying "yes"!
I'm afraid to get out there & learn in front of others,
To make mistakes and not be perfect at first. To look weak. 
(2 Timothy 1:6-7)

Let's not allow fear to have any place in our hearts and minds! Be different!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


You tell me I'm crazy. You think it's naive and ridiculous to believe in an invisible God. And you say that if God DOES exist, you hate and want nothing to do with Him because He would be a judgmental and hateful being who wants to suck the fun out of your life and demand that you do, do, do. And if you don't do, you don't get. You don't like the idea of giving control to another being and believing them for everything.  You're convinced you have no need for God and He's just an idea used as a crutch. If there IS a Heaven and Hell, you're sure your good will outweigh your bad and you'll be okay. But what if you're wrong?!?!

You used to believe in God. You attended my church. You were even more involved in youth group than I was. You were a leader for the rest of us. An example. You were bright and your life LOOKED so good and happy and it shone with a uniqueness in this world. But not anymore. I ran across your facebook today. Your info was all about how much success you've achieved. It had tons of foul language and clearly said "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!" You obviously spend hours at the gym. You look perfect.......and perfectly miserable. You aren't shining in your pictures. Your eyes have lost that sparkle I once saw every day. You dress in a way that tells me your concern is attention alone. You party. Like....All the time. What happened to you? What happened to that girl I once knew?

You are a member of my church. You attend every Sunday. You sit in the front row. You have a church bumper sticker on the back of your car. You've served in ministries here for years. I know you well. You are looked up to by a lot of people in our congregation. You lead. You direct. You even memorize verses. You're one of those who's always in the know..........
And you live in deceit.
You have a very nice job. You own a medium-sized home.  And 2 cars. You spend each Christmas at a ski resort for your family vacation. But, hey. You throw at least a $20 in the plate each week. You give to our special projects and when you have a bonus come in at work. So you're doing great. You love God. You really do! And you pray for those who don't. Pray for a miracle. But you do it out of duty, because come on, God doesn't do all those amazing things He used to. Not anymore. You have a plan and back-up in case things ever get rough. You know how you'd take care of your bills and family. You say your goal is to love God. By the things you're doing at church, you're sure you're giving enough of yourself to serve Him and make Him pleased. You're impacting somebody, somewhere. Or ARE you?

Whoever you are, know this. God is so very real. He knit you together with His very hands. He is crazily, insanely in love with you! Yes, YOU! He longs to take whatever life you've had and create the most beautiful thing out of it's ashes! He is still the God of the Bible, performing miracles every single day! He can do ANYTHING and in Him SO. CAN. YOU!!! Arise. Seek Him. And be transformed. Be different. Be filled with the authority of His Sprit. Walk in it. Trample your enemy under your foot. Succeed. Hold your head high. Be the change. Relish life in Jesus!!!!!!!! 

Monday, October 11, 2010

1 and 1.5

The journey continues. Learning to become who I am and less of who I WAS or THINK I am. This week has been one of the hardest I can seem to remember. I asked The Lord to teach me a way of living that involves actively placing myself into situations where God HAS to come through & there's no alternative. Why? A.) increase MY faith to experience His intimate provision. B.) I get to know His heart better. C.) It allows others to see Him in a way that can't be excused or denied. And boy did He answer me.......

Challenging and exhausting work schedules. Learning to live for days on like 3 dollars. Surprising and extremely painful conversations that shake you to your core. And unexpected joy and purpose right when u needed it in seeing someone u knew years ago, and seeing that they're totally on fire in the most beautiful way.  God is so alive and active!

 I've continually been contemplating what action I can immediately take towards changing the way I do life.
 I may not know an exact answer at this point to my question of what God desires for me to do with my dedication to simple and Biblical living. But I do know there are always small things that can be done now to impact my little world around me right where I'm at. I need to start by being faithful and an example to those in the body.   Being the change, right? There are two ways I've decided to implement change this month:

1. I made a commitment to giving much  more that 10% back to God. This becomes particularly challenging when u are giving to the point of not being able to pay bills unless God comes through. But that is exactly the point! I think the issue isn't a number. The issue is whether u trust Him enough to give it to Him and live on Faith and His provision. This is difficult and it's been shaking me up. I didn't think about money for the last 2 yrs. Always made more than enough. Shopped several times a week.  Now I have to calculate every item I purchase. I have to think about every carton of soy milk and apple and box of cereal. Thank you Jesus for an abundance of free coffee!

2. Beginning October 1st and lasting all of next year, I committed to shopping for clothing only at thrift stores. No new items. I will purchase clothing from Gooodwill, Salvation Army, and Buy Rite. This will cut un-needed cost and help to provide jobs for people in our community. As I believe God to provide me extra money because of my efforts in the area, I am going to use that money to support a second child through World Vision. This time from Africa.

Anyone want to join me in these commitments? I would relish some companionship.  

Friday, October 1, 2010

Steppin that foot in the water first.

Okay. In my studies today I picked up on a theme that landed upon my shoulders pretty heavily. It may be an idea that you are very familiar with, and if that's the case, my prayer is that this will be an encouraging reminder to your spirit today....

I often feel intense frustration when I can see or understand the way I believe things should be done, but there seems to be a lack of action. Either with the apathy, self-centered ideals, and luke-warmness with which my friends live out their faith, or the way the church chooses to do something, etc.... 
I wonder to myself if anybody out there is ever going to be on the same page as me. And, anyway, why ME? Why do I-a college dropout,  seemingly very average, not genius person-get to see these incredible "secrets and mysteries" of the faith only to be left baffled at the blindness of those around me? (and I'm talking about WITHIN the body, here!) Why does God reveal these things to ME?! Ever feel that way? Here's the encouragement I found today.......
In Joshua it tells us a story about the people crossing over onto dry land. We all know it. Ah. But look closer. The priests were commanded to step out first as a way of stating "This is ours. The Lord has given it to us. The enemy is sitting on it and we're about to take what is now ours."  See the spiritual application we have here?

Now I'm no priest, but just as the priests of the Isrealites were the spiritual leaders, the example that the people looked up to, so am I.  I'm called to ministry. To a stricter life than even most Christians are. And because of the position I've been given within the body of Christ, ive been working out my spiritual muscles. This means I strong enough to handle possibly a bit more weight than someone who hasn't been working out for quite as long. And that means God can place a bit more weight upon me. The weight of seeing things a bit deeper. And clearer. And sometimes because of that i gotta stick my feet on that land and go before the people and be an example for them to follow. Teach them how it should be. Open their eyes to the mediocracy the enemy is desperately trying to deceive us all into living in. (Don't get me started. Seriously. His goal is getting you to think you're living a good, "normal" life as long as you're attending church and tithing. Don't you see that as long as we're content with this we're no threat to him?! Go read Crazy Love. No. Really. Go read it!)

I understand this a lot right now because of the fact that I've been getting it shape. I've been spending a lot of time working out at the gym. Getting healthy. Working out my muscles. And Im now far enough on this journey to health to be the example and motivator to others in teaching them the importance of getting healthy. That means I know more about how to eat and what ways to exercise and how to do the exercises correctly than they might. And I need to be to encourager, go before them, and teach them how.  Apply this to the spiritual realm and we'll begin having a healthier world. BE THE CHANGE. EFFECT OTHERS AROUND YOU!!!! At this point in life, my heart is to show those in the church around me how to live abandoning ourselves and the American  dream for one very, very different than what Society is pounding into our sight. It's scary how comfortable we've grown in apathy. It frightens me. 

Okay. Tangent over. Make a difference where you're at. Today. Peace. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bucket lists

I've recently begun to realize an area I've fallen back into (and maybe never left) of un-belief. Un-belief in God's ability, willingness, and/or concern for me or parts of my life. I have a lot of faulty thinking I need to deal with. One of the biggest struggles I have is believing God delights in miracles, wholeness, and the desires of our heart. Silly, because it's not at all true. In fact, if u really get into it, u can argue that He's the one who puts them there in the first place!......
Something I heard today was that everyone has things that they struggle with. The key is to struggle WELL. Hmmmmm. Struggle well. How do I do that? By being honest and open about myself. In the lighthearted side of that idea, I've decided to share the core of my bucket list. I just thought it'd be fun, and I have nothing to be ashamed of in sharing it. So here are my top desires, or things I seriously want to do in my lifetime and need to believe my God is big enough to do them if He wanted:
One I've done in the past. One I'm very trained for but there's no demand for it.  One is halfway done. One I want more than any of the others, or anything else I've ever desired. Can you guess which ones I'm talking about?:•}
1. Perform in the theater
2. Work for Disneyland
3. Visit every single state/see special landmarks in each 
4. Compose music
5. Create an incredible painting
6. Work for Living Proof 
7. Learn how to ballroom dance
8. Start an orphanage and school in Africa
9. Be loved (romantically)
10.Go horseback riding
11. Live in a tree or hut for a minimum of 1 yr. 
12. Compete in a dance competition
13. Work as a therapeutic clown 

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Twists and turns around the bend (part 2)

You ever have a conviction about something grow so strongly within you that u wish you could be allowed to force everybody to be tied down until they hear what u have to say and have their lives dramatically affected like yours has been by whatever the subject or issue? Well, this happens to me. It's frustrating. And while I can't force everyone to listen, I can pray the right people read this.

This is a continuation of a note I posted about a week ago. In it I talked about Paul convicting me in the way of being Jesus in this world. That subject has not ceased to bother me. And I've been contemplating it for a while. Here's a nutshell of my conclusion......

I act as if I will live for years to come. I put off so much because I think, "someday, I'll...". I'll what? Stop ignoring the problem with that relationship? Help more people? Go on more missions trips? Tell people what I keep saying I'll wait to say someday? Give away possessions I don't need that someone else does? All good things. All of which need to happen. And how do I really know I'll have the time
and be given the chance to do any of these things later? Maybe I'll get in a car accident tomorrow. Maybe I'll die of cancer 2 years from now. Maybe that brother or sister in Jesus needs to learn something from the things I not saying. Maybe children are dying who I could be helping. Maybe widows could be living in grace and redemption this year, but will be dead in 10. I can't, don't want to, and don't have a right to live this coosh life. I don't CARE if it's more comfortable having my own recliner, air conditioner, and all the Glee, Bones, and House I can stand taped on my DVR. I used to care. So much. But something is changing.

Now that I'm at Starbucks, I'm surprised at what the Lord is doing within me. I usually slip into a comfortable complacency when working in such an environment. Like, I get used to the way my co-workers live and like it when it rubs off on me. I typically compare myself to them to feel good about what I do. And this time......not so much. Rather than slip into what I wanted and was TRYING to find comfort in, I have found myself totally saddened by the lost and miserable state my co-workers are unknowingly in. I feel a burden for them to know the Lord. I come home from work being disgusted with myself and my country for being self-centered and only wanting wanting wanting. The more I go without DOING something, the more convicted I become. This world desperately needs to hear about the redemption of Jesus Christ. Most people living in this world need help to survive. And I have no right and little desire to sit back and do nothing about that. I HAVE to help people discover victory, grace, and redemption. I am compelled. Don't ask me how. I don't know yet. But I'm trying to figure it out. Soon. My life is too short. I don't want ANY of it wasted. I want to make a difference. To BE the difference. I'm not backing down. Im crazy. I'm intense. I'm extreme. I'm okay with that.

If not me, who? If not now when? (Part 1, written 8-24-2010)

So, as I read James I find confirmation of the struggle I've been in. It talks a lot about not just listening to the Word, but doing it. Sure, we're all familiar with the whole "be do-ers of the Word" concept. But seriously. Do we ever actually think about that seriously? I have come to believe that the majority of Christians today (oh, I'm included, don't worry!) are used to, content with, and yes, even deceived by listening to the word and not taking it any further than that. Most of the time we don't even realize that's what's going on. We're used to it. It's how we were taught to do our faith. We hear a verse or sermon and think "Oh, that was GOOD! Awesome! Thanks God." And indeed it was. But what then?

I thought to myself the other day, "okay. James says if I just listen to the word and don't do what it commands, I'm deceived. But what does the Word command?" So, I tried to objectively look at the Bible in as simple a way as possible. If I were describing the commands that the Word contains in a nutshell version, how would that go? Well, off the top of my head, I think about loving my enemy. Obedience to God. Holy living. And more than anything, being Jesus to the world. Bringing healing, redemption, relationship, and the Good News to all people everywhere. Living in and with an amazing and mind-blowing authority that we Americans so very rarely tap into. Stomping all over the enemy and his army. (How often do we really do this rather than self medicate and ignore our issues with food, noise [tv, Internet, gaming], and lust?) Living in true community so that the outside world sees a difference when they see how our relationships are done. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how much this society is set up to live in a way that is absolutely opposite of these things in so many ways. Makes it hard to really follow and experience God. Too much pulling at us. Comfort. Coosh. Money. Looks. Sure, I'd rather go shopping for new make-up at Sephora or watch a season of GLEE or Bones than be listening to how the Spirit wants me to offer an ear and cousel to a messed-up, needy, depressed friend or co-worker who desperately needs to touch of Jesus. And don't get me started on other countries and the question of whether I truly have a right to live rich (I only make $800 a month but compare that to a dollar a day being a high average in the rest of the world) when I KNOW they need the healing touch from someone who has the authority of Jesus living within them. And even if I decide there's nothing wrong with living here and being proud of it. What then? Can we really ignore the command to take care of orphans and widows? Would it be right to do anything BUT adopt or foster? If not me, who? If not now, when?

The more I think about everything, the more I'm convicted. Lord, help me do all I can for you. And live with as much authority as I'm allowed! I don't want to waste any time here on Earth.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Hi. My name is Elisabeth. And I'm strange. Ha. Just kidding. But really....
Okay. Long story. I won't tell it all at this moment. If you're really wanting it ask. I'm open. But the nutshell version is this:
1. The enemy knew I was created for something powerful. To powerfully work for Jesus and be in intimacy with Him. He tried to stop me before I'd been born.
2. Years of painful experiences. Enemy gets me into completely destructive state of mind and action. (Addictions are his way of keeping a white noise in the radio between us and the Spirit.)
3. I've begun realizing these things.
4. The enemy slowed me down by getting me to care about being different and weird and giving up a "normal" life.
5. I realized recently that there is NOTHING in the way a typical American Christian lives that matches how Jesus told us to do life. That changed things.
6. I began eating different. Seeing things different. Doing things different.
(Side tangent: did u know u can use things like Grape Seed Oil for face moisturizer and tea tree oil with witch hazel for toner? You don't NEED the extra chemicals in your products. Besides, they're cancerous.)
7. I give up every dream for my life but one-know Jesus. Be Jesus to the world. Allow Him to infiltrate me so much I reek of Him.
8. Oh, wait! I still live with destructive thought patterns and habits. Why doesn't Jesus just fix it? I know He can. Ah. This is where I got stuck. I've been wondering this for over 2 years. And yesterday, I believe He finally handed me the answer.
It comes in the form of a DVD series my dear little friend Sarah let me borrow. The speaker is Caroline Leaf. Incredible. She's a friend of Miss Beth. A Neurologist. She talks about our brain and how it functions. She explains the set up of our brain and emotions and memories. When you look at the inside of the brain, your memories actually look like trees. They branch out and grow. Did you know that negative memories and fear actually grow thorns on them? YES! It's true! It's fascinating! You can SEE it! She shows how negative toxic thinking affects you and your spirit and your body. Its phenomenal. It's scary. And it's beautiful. The amazing thing? You can be in control (In conjunction with the Spirit) of all of this. And no matter how horrible things have been up in there until this point, you can begin a visible healing within your brain in as little as 4 days. Only God can do something so amazing! And THIS, my friends, fellow bloggers, and Sisters in Siestaville, is where I am today. Finally having solid, smart, accurate, anatomical, scientifically, and scriptural answers to the the question that's been haunting me and slowing me down. In a way, this is slightly scary. If I get this dealt with and mastered, where am I going to end up? With incredible adventures. Who am I going to be? Anything but average. Oh, how hard to swallow. Oh, how huge! ***deep breath*** Okay, Jesus. Let's do this........Chapter one to come this week....

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


"A man by His sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief." -A.W.Tozer

I truly do see that I'm a vapor in time. And I truly do desire with every ounce of my
being to reflect Jesus in every way possible. You either light up a room because you've just entered, or because you've just left. I want every moment to matter. I want to give and give until there's nothing left to give. And then watch Jesus give me more to give. I know some of my extended family thinks I'm extreme and just sort of weird. But really. When you die, people don't care or talk about what degree you had or the things you accumulated. They try to find something nice about you as a person. About your character. And I for one would rather go through life with some people thinking I'm strange than be normal. I want to show people Jesus. Every day. I want to reak with the scent of healing, hope, redemption, Jesus. I want to just be gushing with Him and truth so much that when people are standing around my memorial service, they're singing and dancing in praise over the beauty of the God they were able to meet. I want them worshipping and laughing in His presence, because they know that's what I love doing and that I'm doing it in Heaven. That's all I want from this life. To have people see and experience being completely in love with and obsessed over Jesus Christ because they saw what He did in me. An incredible work. A legacy of truth and healing. Man, I love Him so!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Today's findings

 "I have loved you just as the Father has loved Me; abide in My love."                     (John15:9)  

Wow! Did you catch that?! Jesus is telling you that He loves you JUST AS MUCH as the God of the Universe loves Him. If that doesn't blow your mind, I don't know what will!  Then He tells you, "now abide in that love."

transitive verb:
1 : to wait for : await 
2 a : to endure without yielding : withstand    
   b : to bear patiently : tolerate  
3 : to accept without objection 
intransitive verb:
1 : to remain stable or fixed in a state 
2 : to continue in a place

Well, okay. I can do that. Nice to have some direction:)

Monday, July 12, 2010


You know what I'm thinking today? I'm thinking that we're all born into a shattered world. Life and living are about putting something together. And Jesus must be the glue. Nothing repairs or stays repaired without Him. NOTHING.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I don't have cable. And I don't subscribe to magazines. So this week as I housesit I flipped on the TV to find something to watch. And I don't know why, everything seemed to be in a different light to me. In less than 20 minutes I saw an add for The Abrocket, braces, mascara, and body lotion. It wasn't as if I haven't seen these ads before. In fact, I know several of them almost by heart. But today some of the key phrases seemed to pop out at me. "Do you want to loose those lovehandles that NOBODY loves about you and have the body that will make your life happy?"....."my daughter was miserable before her braces. Now she's happy because she's pretty"......"with stelleto mascara, you'll be the talk of the town. You'll stop ANY man in his tracks. Walk on the wild side". Even a body lotion as simple as Nivea has adds that show a woman putting lotion on and being swept off her feet and straight into bed by a hot guy. I could go on. You get the point. This disgusts me. I got mad at the TV and flipped open a copy of Seventeen instead. The ads were no better. I wanted to puke at the fresh realization that girls-young girls-are getting this at such an early age and point in their lives. We see it and get used to it and are infiltrated with it all ou lives. With a wave of understanding, I can "get" why I've spent YEARS thinking being overweight is a reason to despise myself. Ugh. It makes me want to scream!!! I just want to take every teen i work with and sit her down and force her to read Captivating and So Long Insecurity. We've GOT to be the different ones here! We don't usually notice anything wrong with the ads that scream at us every day. But if we think about it, they ARE wrong. Very wrong. Every add we see is telling us to that if we just get the right product, we'll be pretty or sexy or with the times or envied enough. And, they claim that if we are those things, we'll be happy enough. No wonder America is the most obese and financially in dept and miserable. We are bombarded by our society to spend and eat to find happiness and comfort. It's all a gigantic lie. America needs to stop allowing themselves to be influenced. It's a choice and we CAN refuse. America doesn't need food. And it doesn't need more "stuff". I'm proof. I just left a job for another job where I'm getting less hours. I'm determined to take time to make my life about healing and about showing Jesus to others, rather than about how many hrs I can work and how much I can get payed. We don't need stuff. We need Jesus. And to bring Him to our world.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Going mad.

Sometimes something hurts so bad it makes you feel as if there just is no possibility of moving on. Ever. At all. The world suddenly becomes quiet and it would almost appear that it has collectively as a whole turned it's back on you. And the only thing that seems would make sense in that moment is for everything to cease. I feel that way a lot, about a lot lately. Lots of painful happenings seem to be occurring. Deep things. I can't stop them, and that's half my problem. The other half is being so hurt I can barely function and at the same time knowing the important thing is not circumstances, but my reaction to them. Hard.

I long to be severely and intimately connected with Jesus and filled so continuously and fully by the Spirit that I know what He's thinking and feeling about everything. Every time. I don't even WANT my own self and opinions to be. They're lame anyway and won't be missed one little bit. Man. I'm learning that it's going to take a lot of work to get there. I need to give up any dream containing material gain. Instead I want to help the broken and wounded. Take in the shattered and hurting. Love the failures and the losers. Invest myself into the dropouts. The ones most everyone avoids. I want and need to teach. To bring healing. To be the hands and feet of Jesus in so many ways. I realize with increasing intensity that I am never going to fit in and be normal. There's something about my me-ness that WILL make many others in the church un-comfortable. And right now I don't feel I can handle my calling. I'm not feeling very princess-y. I feel like the only 27 year old girl who doesn't know what it's like to have a prince. I FEEL like the task before me is too much. I FEEL that too much of me is still too broken for all of this. I FEEL that all I can do is lay in bed at night and cry out "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus." I FEEL there is no other answer and way for anything. And besides, I FEEL calmer when I call that name with that power in it all night. I FEEL that I have such crazy ideas of how I want to live and what I want to do with my kids and husband someday. If I listed them YOU'D feel like I was crazy. I think I am. I think I've gone bonkers. But I know a secret. All the best people are. :•}

Monday, July 5, 2010

...lost my muchness, have I?!

Tell me I'm reading too much into it, but I am greatly encouraged by the new Alice in Wonderland. I was reminded today by the silliest thing that perhaps when I feel the weakest and most a mess, I may actually be the strongest and most beautiful. Not to everyone. But to Jesus. And to those who matter and take time to "get" that whole truth.

Even when I'm exhausted, attacked, failing, etc.... I need to act like the princess I truly am. If it is true that I have a dad who happens to be the biggest and best King in the biggest and best Kingdom there is, then I'd better be more intent on living like it. I have a job to do. I may be just a girl here, with nothing and no one special. But my true identity is actually that of a warrior princess (And don't think you'll EVER see me looking like Xena. The thought makes me cringe!) I have a job to do. I've got to kick some serious, major demonic butt. And literally. I'm talking about real live stomping on the enemy.

Since I've seemed to be experiencing some attack from the opposition, it has to start here, with my life. We all need to take up our swords, arm ourselves with the weapons He's given us, and start fighting. I've decided that any reason for a lack of authority over the enemy lies in forgetting who I am. If I'm to remember and live out my royalty, I need to start by reminding myself. I'm going to start believing six impossible things before breakfast. That's the way to do things right:
1. The being who hand-crafted the earth all that's in it loves ME.
2. 2,000 years ago, a guy believed in me so much, He payed the price for me to have direct access to this God who loves me.
3. I have a power in me that can move any mountain and heal sickness.
4. I get to rule alongside this incredible being in the royal courts.
5. I am fully armed and can slay the enemy when he gets in my way.
6. My King promises to work out anything that happens for my good.
There's six impossible things most people don't believe in a lifetime, much less before breakfast. I'll start there. And so should you, fellow warriors!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Strange longings

I really miss the Firehouse. Like, REALLY miss it. My spirit aches for the way life was then. (minus the owner). I miss a lot of things about life at Ecola, too. And here's the funny part: both of those things were parts of my life for pretty short periods of time. Yet I loved them the most. Wierd.......
I'm freaking out about a lot of stuff. I don't know why. You think you're pretty much over things and suddenly they come back up with a vengeance out of nowhere way later. Does this mean I never really dealt with and got healing with them? Who knows.....
So much on my heart. Strange dreams lately. Surprising emotions over seemingly small things. Longing to be a part of something so real and true and Jesus even more than I am now. Jumbled. **sigh** Days like this are part of being human, I suppose. A strange longing that I just know won't be filled. So...I dream about Narnia. It comforts. Jesus. More of Jesus. He works. Every time.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

When I go to the Lord, am I asking Him for what I can get from Him, or am I asking for HIM?! I really, really don't want to be normal. I don't even want to be a normal Christian. Sorry if anyone takes offense to that. Wait. No. I'm not. I want to be exceptional. I want to be so full of Jesus that when people encounter me, they don't. I want to care only about WHO I am, never about WHAT I am. What people experience when they run across me should be my concern instead of what car, house, degree, job, status, and money I have. I want to be different. I want to join Beth in being a powerful display of Living Proof that Jesus works. Every time. The difference. Filled with the Spirit and only the Spirit. I want to push the limit of the power and authority Jesus has already given me. Even if it makes me wierd. Jesus. Just Jesus. I want HIM. I want to fall madly in love with HIM. That is all:•}

Monday, June 28, 2010

Taking it back.

Let's see if the things in my head make it out in a sensible way....
Here's what I learning from Beth. The things that make up your life experience-particularly the painful or negative things- are according to scripture part of the "land" you've been given. There are unique things to each individual, and God has given each person that unique life and set up so that they can be fit for and understand and relate to people in whatever area they are called. There's no coincidence and accident to the painful parts of life. In fact, they may just be the least "accidental." that being said, we often struggle heavily under these painful experiences of our past; whether they be illness, addiction, abuse, failure. There is significant scripture that argues the struggle and pain behind it being so large because, well, let's face it, if things were easy to forget we'd be less likely to glean wisdom and understanding that may help someone in the future. I'm seeing that the most effective people out there usually get that. So, what happens when an old issue, pain, or situation is still haunting you and beginning to take up too much of you and your energy? Ahhh. That's the most signifiant part of what I'm learning. When I feel like something is going to eat me alive, I've learned that despite the common mindset of thus bring "normal", it is actually the enemy. As God's children, we don't have to live under pain like that. We can, and need to, go back to the thing-whatever it is-and stand on it firmly. And tell the enemy to move. It's not his ground. It's OURS. We need to take it back. We need to work through whatever needs working through until the shame and guilt associated with that pain is not on top of us. No believer should ever settle for, "well, under the circumstances.....". We have every power and authority to be on TOP of the circumstances. To stand firmly and without shame on whatever our past holds, boldly proclaiming that it is who we are and what we are dealing with, and God will use it to glorify Him and His Kingdom. No doubts.

Thank you Beth, for this. I still have a long way to go.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Thirteen Years

Thirteen years ago today, I was sitting on a log in Mount Hermon and my entire life changed drastically for good. I realized and accepted the fact that when Jesus Christ died on that cross, He had ME on His mind. And a lightswitch turned on in me. I was flooded with truth and life. I understood for the very first time that the God of the Universe CARES about me and my hurts. That was Earth-shattering. I began what has been the most incredible, amazing, and wild ride of my life. He has taken a messed-up and extremely confused little girl and pulled me out of more pits than I can count. He has filled me to overflowing with His Spirit and shown me miracle after miracle. I've watched the impossible happen before my very eyes on numerous occasions. I just continue to fall more and more in live with Him.

The interesting part of today being my spiritual birthday is the fact that so much happens to be changing right now. It reminds me of this day in 1997. I embarked on a crazy journey with no idea where it would lead. And that is today happening again. Almost every aspect if my life is changing right before my eyes. And that's difficult for me. It hurts. A lot of the changes make me look like a loser or failure or unsuccessful compared to many people my age. (And even younger.) I get embarrassed to mention them. I feel I've failed and have to hide certain things going on with me. As I was taking all of this into consideration, the Lord gently reminded me of something precious and sweet that I have learned to be true along the way in the last 13 years. He's taught me that my feelings don't dictate who I am. His opinion of me never changes. And even though Im in the middle of some tough situations, and I FEEL down and a bit depressed and like a loser, I'm still everything I always was and will be in the Kingdom. I love the fact that I can't lose or change my inheritance. I'm a daughter of the King. No matter WHAT happens here, I can't lose my standing. Ephesians 1 says I'm blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, and sealed in love. Whether I feel it or even LIKE it. Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen. No matter what. That whole Narnian concept of the kids not feeling quite at home unless they're in their rightful places in Narnia is not just a story. It's me. It's us. It's REAL. Now THAT is awesome.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Hang onto your hats, folks, 'cuz this here's the Wildest ride in the wilderness!

If only I knew what I was getting into when I began this "project" of doing all of Beth's studies. I never expected it to be such an insane, wild, hair-raising, re-constructing ride. The last couple months have been so crazy, doing three of her things all together, that I barely took time to document them here. That's because it suddenly becomes extremely difficult to document incredible experiences that practically lift u up out of this world. I'm surprised I've managed to stay inside my skin!

I still have some hang-ups. I still have some serious insecurities & thought-patterns that are not of God & His truth. The difference is, I can see them. I know when they begin. In months, I have gone from a girl who loves Jesus & loves Bible study to a girl who has finally seen God be her Daddy. Finally learned how to go to HIM for everything. Finally gotten it. Finally walked out the principles in His word & made it across the river from bondage to freedom. He has pulled me out of just about every single pit I was so deep in. (Thats what's crazy about the spiritual world-u can live in many, many pits at once. Ouch!) I am becoming a different person every day now. Thanks to Miss Beth, I have learned that prayer & God's word will be the answer to anything and EVERYTHING. Nothin else. NO ONE else. Jesus. Just Jesus. He works. Every time. All the time.

Dear friends, you have a very live, VERY active enemy. He is after u in every way. He wants nothin more that to keep u focused on yourself and your problems. He wants u to be thinking about anything & everything other than the kingdom of God. To forget this would be foolish. To fight it, you need two weapons: God's word. Spoken. Out loud. As a sword. And prayer. Prayer based on the promises found in His word. As your shield. With that, nothing can stop you. Not the enemy. Not the world. Not the mediocre "normal" Christian life. Not even yourself. Use your weapons. Fight. Dare to be different. Dare to ask God to radically infiltrate and shake up your life. Dare to scoot over into the passanger seat and let HIM drive. Dare to do the thang.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Come chat with me.

Well, hi there! And thanks for stopping by. Come on in. Pull up a chair. Sit & talk with me a bit. I know I've been on the quiet side lately. It's because God's been doing some amazing things in me. Like, seriously amazing. And I think it's finally time I share some of it with you. My prayer is that you'd be able to glean some sort of wisdom from what I've leaned & been through.

As human beings, I think it's impossible to escape doubt from time to time. Doubt in all sorts of things. But especially in things that are of the spiritual world. One of the biggest doubts I've carried is that God really can and wants to free people from bondage and captivity. When I realized the amount of bondage I was living in, I doubted I could ever be free. I would watch Beth on T.V. and even go to see her live, and I would think, "Dang. If only I wasn't so messed up. I desperately want to have what she does. That drive. That passion. That effectiveness. oh well. Sucks to be me". Am I speaking anybody else's language here? Is there a nagging within you that wants to go deeper, love the Lord & His word more passionately, & be more effective? Are you thinking "if only......". Well, friends. This is what I've learned. There is NO "if only." There is no "someday, when......". No. There is truth. Truth that us the same today as it will be when you're 30, 40, 70. The truth that God says ALL OVER His Word that He's crazy about you. He loves u insanely. He longs with everything about Him to free you, fix you, and use you. YOU. Not just other believers. YOU. The only reason why You aren't dynamically effective right where you are and as you are is because you have not fully grasped this truth. You don't fully believe it. Or like me, u believ it, but it scares you to change & u don't want to want to let go and accept it. You don't want to scoot over into the passanger seat an let the God of The Universe take over & drive. Don't want to give up control of where you're headed.

This hit me really hard. I think it really got to me over the last few months. You see, I've been doing what Miss Beth has asked of me & writing down verses on 3x5 cards. I carry them everywhere with me & when I'm tempted to act out in my particular addiction, or when I catch myself in a destructive thought pattern of lies, I take them out & begin thanking God for what He promises me in His word. Before long, the truth of His word began to take over my mind. I began to say to Him, "Okay. I'm having a problem with ___. And I know you say in you word ______ about it. So I'm asking you for that. NOW. I belive u want to give it to me & I thank you in advance for it." and guess what? I began to watch amazing and incredible miracles take place before my very eyes. Within me, my friendships, my work. I began to experience incredible & dramatic change. I realized for the first time ever that everyhing God is about and is doing is for ME personally. And I became overwhelmed by the fact that little me gets to be in relaionship with the God of the Universe. The King of Kings. I began to realize He is all hope. All peace. All answers to all problems. The more I asked Him to reveal Himself to me, the more I handed the reins of myself & my life over to Him, the more I started to experience freedom & healing. The more all my issues and my messed-up head began to get fixed. It's like God reached down and has been gently re-wiring my brain and re-structuring all my insides. Praise Him-He yanked me up out of the pit of some very serious addicion & entanglement. Stuff thy destroys people & families & lives. I am free. FREE. F-R-E-E!!!!
And all of a sudden, I have confidence. Confidence that My King can do anything, and I have nothing-NOTHING- to fear! I have been falling so in love with Him. I am still amazed when I look in the mirror & see myself. I know what a totally different person I've become. I just can't get over it. I am "Living Proof" that He works. Always. Seriously! If u really want to be blown away even more, ask me about it and I'll share with you how bad I really was. You'll be floored by God!

I tell you this for a reason. First of all, to brag on God. He more than deserves it. And second, because I want each person I know to experience a complete and total freedom. It is absolutely and more than possible in any & every area. And my longing and passion is to see people walk in it, too. Especially you, my dearest high schholers. If you can get this now, you will be like a thousand sticks of dynamite against the kingdom of darkness everywhere u step for the rest of your life. That's my passion. To see YOU free. Thrive in this, my dear young brothers and sisters. Thrive! Aslan is not a tame Lion. But He IS good. Oh, so good! An He has a specific purpose for you in His kingdom. One that NO OTHER PERSON can carry out. You are that special. That important. And THAT powerful. Believe it. Grab it.

Friday, March 26, 2010

She had been feeling overwhelmed lately. Her wk situation seemed hopeless. She felt invisable to everyone. Alone. She was exhausted of taking care of herself all the time. It's too hard to take care of old people all day and then have to care for yourself and your house and health, too. Especially on minimum wage.

She woke up this morning with all of this weighing heavy on her shoulders and heart. She considered skipping a shower and going back to sleep. But, she decided against that. She always has her best thoughts in the shower. Something about the hot water wakes her mind up and comforts her. This morning, As she began to wake up, she had a movie scene flash through the back of her mind. The catterpillar from Alice in Wonderland. "whooooooooo are yooooooooou?!" she chuckled to herself.

All of a sudden-so quickly that she barely had time to see it- the catterpillar
flashed into something else. For a moment, she thought she was imagining things. Then....it happened again. "That DID just happen!" Sure enough, it was the face of Aslan. In all it's golden glory. The most beautiful lion she has ever seen.

"well, who else?"
"Oh wow. Okay. So what's up?"
Big grin from Aslan."whooooooooo are yooooooou?"
"Excuse me?"
"you heard me."
"Uh, wrong character. Don't u think?"
smile. "Just answer the question."
"Um, I'm me. I'm the activities director at Orangeburg Manor. I work with high schoolers at church. I'm single(frown), I like art and music, uh....I don't know what you're gettin at. U know all this!"
"You still haven't answered the question."
"Uh, didn't I?"
"No. come on. What has Beth taught u? WHO ARE YOU?!"
"ooooooo! I get it. I'm blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, sealed, loved."
"Now you're talkin. We need to wk on believing this."
"Yeah. It's just hard when so much is awry in my life. Things haven't been that great lately, you know".
"Thats true. They haven't. That's what I showed up for today. I just want to remind u of who u are. You are Lucy. This world is not your home. It's OKAY to long for and cry out for Narnia. To miss it. To feel totally "wrong" & out of place here. Because......you are!"
At that, she stopped trying to be strong. She wept. She cried. She told Aslan how badly she wanted to get away from here. From all the demands. From the everything. Just when she felt her heart might rip in two, she remembered how often Lucy, Susan, Peter, & Edmund waited and looked for Narnia. For Aslan. She remembered the longing they had for it.
"Okay. I will wait. I will trust that you have something great on the way. And I will be strong as I look forward to it."
Just then, from nowhere, or maybe everywhere, there came a warm breeze right on her face as she heard a magnificant, strong roar that she could swear had a hint of a smile. And then, deep in her spirit, she heard a very familiar voice say "That's my girl!"

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

He gets it

Today's insight is short and sweet. And actually, I have to credit Beth's beautiful daughter Melissa with this piece of wisdom. While sitting with Beth n the doctor's office looking at pamphlets on all kinds of cancer, she suddenly looked up at Beth and exclaimed,"He KNOWS it's hard to be us." Wow. What incredible insight. Thanks to Jesus, He DOES know it's hard to be us. That is incredible to me. It is so comforting! It helps so much! Hebrews tells us that He gets it. That helps me so much!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Following the leader

This is what I learned from our dear friend (Beth) this morning:

Too often, we allow the enemy to mess with our confidence. The confidence that is evident all over and all throughout scripture. Why do we keep doing this- because it's unfortunately too common among Christians? Is that the excuse we're gonna use before the Lord when He asks why we didn't do more?! I don't know about you, but that doesn't set too great with me. (which is why I've been deciding to just be different-even within the body-and just do the thang.)
How often do we take on the attitude of defeat without even realizing it? You know what I'm talking about:
"Face it, this is just my lot. This is just who I am."
"This is where I am. There's no hope of change."
"I'm just stuck here, that is how it is."
unfortunately, I have to admit these thoughts go through my head every single day. And what's worse, they're the beginning in a whole string of destructive thought patterns that I am fighting to recognize and stop in the beginning of their tape hitting "play".

I'm learning that if we TRULY believe what Christ says about us all over scripture, we won't live like that. We won't have thougt patterns the belittle our self esteem or self worth. God has blessed us and called us to more.
To shrink back from fully livin with/in confidence is to CHOOSE not to live in what God has planned for us. Here's the problem I've had lately with that: knowing what scripture says about who I am and feeling it's true are two vastly different things. I am very aware of what the Bible says. The trick is living it out in deep-rooted confidence. How does one do this? Well, thank you Beth, for shedding light on this. She taught me this morning that to live powerfully and accurately, I need to show courage BEFORE I feel it, rather than wait to feel it before I act in it. I may not have the power to change the stressful job and financial situaton I'm in. I may not be able to change an uncomfortable family life. But what I CAN do is look at a situation and ask myself "now, how would courage respond to this?" And then act and respond according to THAT rather than to my emotions. When I do this, I am living out what God thinks & says about me and my emotions will follow. Which is awesome!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Okay. So these are not edited to be polished and to flow smoothly and to have all the correct spelling or grammer. But I scribbled down some things in the throws of today's studying with Beth. I thought I'd put them up here, even in rough-draftish form. I felt to Spirit leading me to swollow my pride of wanting to polish it & just keep it how it was. I actually took notes on my phone, so I'm sorry if it lines up funny......

(Joshua 1:1-9):
-the children of Israel were told to bring physical sacrafices. 
- We, in the same spirit are told to bring spiritual sacrafices.  
(Acts 17: 26):
I'm here right now in this yr for a reason.
God even chose my WORKS for my life. 
*because of God's specific plan, 
He's made specific promises on my life.
- And it is to His glory that I succeed! (John15:7-8)
My promised Land is the place where i'm living effectively in the specific plan and purpose God has for my life.
-it will never be a lack of talent, ability, or the such that will keep us from living n our promised land & being effective.
 It will be FEAR. Always fear. 
(An emotional ourburst of unbelief. ) 
***God said "I have given u this land, now go stand on it!"***
(Keith wouldn't have gotten an affirmation of his calling if he wouldn't have stepped foot in Angola.)
Fear doesn't get to be a factor n my life. 
(I have to be more afraid of missing God than of what is before me to do. )
I need to look at each situation and pull the fear out. 
(am I refraining only because of fear? 
If so, I don't have any choice but to act anyway. 
Fear is not a good enough excuse. )
1.) the past (rooted in)
(Isaiah 43:18-19):
We're projecting an old fear on a new day!
(Joshua 3:3-4):
My temptation is to project an old fear on a new PLACE. 
I need to just go there!!!!
2). Fear of saying "yes"!
-I'm afraid to get out there & learn in front of others,
To make mistakes and not be perfect at first. To look weak. 
(2 Timothy 1:6-7):
Paul is telling Timothy not to shrink back.
 (Joshua 3:15-17):
A NT parralel. God is gonna part some waters & do amazing things. But the priests go in first. They are the only ones getting their feet wet. That is ME. I am gonna have to get my feet wet to be effective & lead others. 
(I WILL mess up. The enemy WILL discourage me. But the way to get back at him is to get up again. And do what I'm called to again. Again. Again. Again.) 
(Micah 7:19):
 I have an "again" kind of God. 
Mercies anew every morning again. Starting over again.  Doing the thing again. Again. Again. Again. 
3.) afraid to say "no".
(1Cor. 16:12):
Is all the responsibility on us really OUR responsibility? 
Or do we do things because we want approval
 (or don't want disaproval) from some very strong personalities?
***Do I refrain from doing things sometimes because I'm afraid I will fail God? Do I realize He already knows this?***
God says "I WILL NOT FAIL Y-O-U!" (Joshua 1:9)   

Saturday, March 13, 2010

More Conversations.

Tired. Oh, so tired!
Everyone needs attention.
Same conversation every 5 minutes.
Alzheimers is EXHAUSTING.
I don't fit in.
Friends dealing with heavy issues.
My mind.
Need healing.
Need hugs more.
Need to cry.
Ministry. Rewarding. But tiring.
Minimum wage is getting hard to live on.
Pressure. I don't know if I have what it takes:
*to be everything I need to at work.
*to be the right daughter & sister.
*to be the right leader at church.
*to be the friend I want to be.
*to be free of my issues. Free of bondage.
Longing to go to Disneyland.
Wishing I could afford to go see Beth Moore.
Need refreshment.
Need adventure.
Really, really need to travel.
But YOU. YOU don't have expectations for me.
YOU don't want me to look and act a certain way.
YOU are crazy about me.
YOU offer relieve.
YOU have it all figured out- I don't have to!
YOU are crazy about me.
YOU are doing something incredible.
YOU are not based on how I feel of how I act.
YOU are amazing, awesome, all-powerful, refreshing, light, healing balm, freedom, comfort, fullfillment.
YOU are the answer.
Praise you!


Saturday, March 6, 2010

Checking all my closets again!

So, let's see how this one turns out.....
In going through breaking free as well as reading this book-So Long Insecurity, I've been in this phase of working through some deep issues that I've had engrained for pretty much my whole life. It is difficult, and I, like many others, am feeling a sense of "rawness" and exhaustion over the thang. But at the same time, praise Jesus, dude. He is on the move and it's awesome, even when I am beat and agitated and, well, anything else. (That, right there is what's so awesome about Him. Neverchanging. Never dependant on our emotions. whew. Anyone else out there utterly thankful for THAT?)

Imagine my surprise, then, when I woke up today with an incredibly overwhelming sense of cabin fever. It came completely unexpected and totally caught me off guard. Where the heck was this coming from? I mean.....I have been diving in deep to my Beth studies and doing some serious and amazing wk with the Lord over all this stuff. And I truly have been loving the realness of truth and the journey. But today, all I can think about is this overwhelming desire to be in an airport. Fly. Ride a train. Anything! (I drove past the Amtrak station and very, very seriously considered just hopping on and going-figure out where to stop and what I'm doing later. I kind of regret that I didn't!) I can't stop craving Disneyland right now. I took a nap this afternoon and dreamed of being in the Tiki Room and singing with Jose. Then I went on the jungle cruise and did the whole speel with the tour guide. (Yes, I know it all by heart. It's sick, I know. Must be some kind of disease.) I even downloaded an app of Disneyland trivia and played for two hrs. And The ache for some sort of adventure keeps growing until now where I'm at the point of feeling like I might just go completely crazy and have to rent a room at my work if I don't have some sort of adventure soon. I mean it. For real. Don't be messing with a hlf crazy person. It's dangerous!

Here's the part that will hopefully mean something to someone.....
I was asking God why i get so incredibly desperate for adventure. What's the big deal with it anyway? And it hit me......I was reminded of something I know well but can forget often because it's not the attitude and understanding I'm surrounded with at wk. This whole feeling that I don't WANT to just stay where I am. Stay comfortable. Something about that just feels, well, off. That would because it's supposed to! Yep, you read that right! We are not supposed to feel comfortable here! The Lord gently reminded me today that I am Lucy, living at the moment in my England. And that is not what I was meant for. I was meant to find Narnia. To stumble into a marvilous and incredible adventure in which I had gifts to offer and a role that could never be filled by anyone but me! A place where my King is a wild-but good-king who is always on the move. A place where I am a real, true queen who rules with valor and justice and bravery. THAT is what I was created for. And since I know my true future is reigning alongside my King someday, it's totally okay to feel something lacking sometimes. The beauty of this is while the world I am in is my fiction, and the Narnia I wait for is actually my reality, I can take comfort in the fact that this isn't as important as so many people feel it is. Which frees me up from a whole world of striving to have certain things and to look a certain way and achieve a certain status. My status has already been given to me. Yipee! And so, I come to the conclusion today that I can ache and ask God for some kind of adventure to ease that longing, and He'll understand completely and be happy that I came to Him and asked! That does my heart some serious good!

With that being said, I hurt my back transfering a resident today and I'm exhausted mentally and physically. So I am off to watch Narnia. Or fly to Neverland. Anyone else wanna go? I hear the Lost Boys have a fun ambush planned for Captain Hook and the crew tonight. Meet me there- second star to the right and strait on 'till morning!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hello, Security.

"Let me explain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up......"

I've been going through Breaking Free as well as reading So Long Insecurity. (Beth's brand new book that a bunch of us are reading through with her on her blog.)Funny thing: The two are completely and totally intertwined for me. The largest thing I have to break free from is insecurity. To put it all in a nutshell, I have learned how insecurity has ruled the majority of my life. (And most women's lives in our society today. Don't mistake me. I'm not at all saying that this issue has anything whatsoever to do with men. It has to do with the great accuser knowing how important women are to God and trying to demoralize them into defeat.) I have spent the last several weeks beginning to see my thought processes and actions in a completely new light. My social anxieties and awkwardness are rooted in insecurity. The thought patterns I've always known are completely rooted in insecurity. And until those change, not much else will, either. My addiction to sinful behavior that I've had a compulsion toward for at least 22 years is rooted in insecurity of ever being loved. My tendency to overeat is rooted in insecurity over who I am. The beauty and grace of God is this: As I've begun realizing these things, I've been asking the Lord to begin teaching me how to reshape my thinking. My patterns of thought. I know that freedom from where I've been will come from truth. (You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.)

"What is truth?" I asked myself. The answer: God's Word. So, in that knowledge and in the prompting of Beth in my studies, I got myself a spiral. (Thanks, Beth. it works better than anything.) I have to carry it around and take it out and read the verses over and over and over when I catch myself beginning a destructive thought pattern. The awesome thing is the Word of God truly is a double-edged sword. It truly is more powerful than the enemy and the biggest addiction or destructive pattern you can imagine.

Along with all this, The Lord has been truly gracious. His timing is ALWAYS perfect. I just began yet another Beth study. (Yes. I'm insane. I know. But hey, you gotta get tough and kick some demonic butt, and sometimes that means bombarding yourself with truth in a way that speaks your language. For me, that will always be Beth Moore.) So, in the beginnings of The Inheritance, I have already been handed the direct answers to re-thinking who I am. And how I am to think. And what my place is in this world and the Kingdom. It all fits together so very beautifully. The first two telling me where things are "off" and ripping off the skin I've been in my whole life. The new one full of truth, a new "skin", so to speak. (For an amazing word picture of this, read the part of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader where Eustace becomes a dragon and Aslan has to de-dragon him. No really, go read it. It is incredible!)

And there you have it. A very nutshell version of what God's been up to through my friend Beth:)

Ah, Jesus. You continually blow my mind. With increasing intensity, I might add. I'm simply crazy in love with you.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Raw Gems

So there's all this seemingly un-connected stuff that I have scribbled down in the midst of my Beth studies the last few weeks. I have been waiting and waiting for them to connect so I could turn them into some type of incredible blog. But alas, they are failing to do so. So I finally came to the conclusion today that I need to just write it all out. In chunks. And let them be raw. Even unpolished, they are beautiful gems.
Here is a bunch of randomness. I pray you can pick out something that sparkles just for you. Consider it a treasure hunt with Jesus.......

*We will never be able to accomplish what God wants for us without confidence in Him. What I mean is, how much do we believe God? (Not believe IN God, but BELIEVE God?)

*We are always moving. Human beings are never still. Every moment, you are either moving closer toward or further from God. If you feel God is not near, guess who moved?

*If we truly grasp God-I mean REALLY understand that He is so much bigger and greater than our comprehension- we will come to Him Believing Him for such huge things that we are bordering on recklessness. What are we praying for? HOW are we praying? What is your dream right now, at this very moment, for your life? What is your vision for your future? Is it big enough for God? (NOT "is your God big enough for your dream?" If we're wondering that, we are in serious trouble!) It could be argued that if we aren't dreaming HUGE dreams-dreams others will laugh at in their ridiculousness & impossibility-we aren't gasping God's plan for us. Or others. God delights in being the God of the impossible. He wants us to ask Him for impossible things, to have impossible dreams for ourselves & those we love. Most everyone we look up to in the Bible lived that kind of faith: Abraham, Paul, David, Rahab, Mary & Joseph to name a few. We need to dream so big, that when God shows up and shows off on our behalf, people will have no choice but to credit God for what happened!

*We all have secrets, sin, and ugly parts of us.
With these, one of three things can happen:
1.We can try uncovering our junk in order to excuse our self of it.
2.Satan will always try to uncover our junk in order to accuse us with it.
3.Jesus will uncover our junk in order to diffuse us.
(Because He knows with it, we are a bomb waiting to explode.)

*With the story of the woman at the well, we read about an exhausted and hungry Jesus who stops to rest at the well and sends His disciples into town for food. As they are gone, the conversation takes place between Him and the woman. By the time the disciples return, they are confused. Jesus has revived, gotten energy, and been strengthened by His conversation with the woman. By revealing Himself to her and filling her with truth. And He delights to do that for us. When we come to Him, when we ask Him for a filling, it does NOT wear him out to do it. In fact, it makes Him so happy when we ask. It excites Him, and He jumps at the chance to be anything and everything to us. Add to that the fact that it fulfilled prophecy for Jesus to reveal Himself as He did to the woman. What a revolutionary thought......It fulfills Jesus to Fulfill YOU! Let THAT one settle on your heart for a while!

*I can way all day long "God is all-powerful." Well, yes. But do I believe He is all powerful in ME?

*God has called YOU to be exceptional. Not someone else-YOU

*No matter what the issue or how bad, there IS freedom within you.
(For where he Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Where does the Spirit live? That's right....YOU!)

*Do you want an incredible and wild ride out of life? You can't have that if you try to remain in control. It can't be a ride if YOU'RE driving. It can only be a wild ride if you scoot over into the passenger seat and let somebody else drive!

Friday, February 26, 2010

A recent conversation.

Okay, mister. We need to talk. It's time to define this relationship. Oh, yes. It's what you've always feared. I have found you out! What a lying two-timing cheater you are!
I finally see the game you play. I can see how life has been worse for me since you and I hooked up. You have caused me to experience misery. You have caused me to experience anxiety. You've caused me to ruin relationships, hurt people, and have more than one occasion of temporary insanity and embarrassment. (For me AND for others.) You've been a very, very bad friend to me. And I'm breaking up with you. I am leaving you. No, don't be sad. It's not you.....it's me. I need to move on. Don't worry. You'll get over it. You'll find someone else to attach to and you two will be very happy together. I must do this to you. You know my Daddy, the King? Well, He's mad at you. He sat me down and brought to my attention how unhealthy you've been for me. He wants to see me happy, content, confident, whole, and complete. And He pointed out that I can't be those things as long as you are near me. He wants you to leave His domain and go far away. You won't be welcome here anymore. After what you've done to me, Daddy will be on His guard. He has special soldiers posted outside the castle and if you try returning, they'll take you down. Daddy has something bigger and better for me. He reminded me that I am a princess, His heir. And that I have an incredible and phenomenal inheritance. He wants me to start taking my place in His Kingdom, as His daughter. And that's exactly what I intend to do. So please don't try to contact me anymore. Ever. Leave me alone. Because, Insecurity, You've been very very bad for me. And I don't love you anymore.

Friday, February 19, 2010


I had a hilarious experience a few days ago. I'm reading Beth's new book called So Long insecurity. I was reading the book on my lunch break, and my co-worker who is a 60s-something guy took it off my desk, read the back cover, opened it, read the prayer I had written inside the front cover,(At this point I was ticked because that was the LAST thing about the book I wanted anyone to see-especially him), and laughed at me. Told me I was a freak and that "she" (Beth) looked like a blond Bimbo who just wrote the book to make money. I let loose on this dude. I got redder that a tomato and began defending it left and right. "She is one of the most intelligent, educated, real, and true people I've ever encountered. DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FRIEND THAT WAY!" When I came back to me senses, I could see by his dear-in-headlights look that I had reacted more than slightly ridiculously. Then, it hit me. I was clobbering this guy and completely losing my temper over what he thought of Beth. Of the book. Of ME reading it. I saw the huge amount of insecurity I experienced over him seeing it. And I just started laughing at myself. And HE started laughing at me. And you know what he said? "Why do you women always go off on us when we do the littlest thing we think is innocent?" I laughed even harder and told him "Because we're all so insecure!" It was awesome! And man, do I have issues!

There's a deep, long blog brewing. Stay tuned over the weekend.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Why we do it.

I've been exhausted and dealing with a lot of things that I need to process before I have my thoughts organized enough to write another blog. In the mean time, this really spoke to me, and I pray it blesses you. It's not that long, so watch ALL of it, please!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

True Desires

God has been weaving many things into me. I am almost processing too much to put into words. But I will share one thing that has been really sticking as far as the journey to Breaking Free.....

The reason we so often DON'T break free of a cycle or habit is because, deep down, in reality, WE DON'T WANT TO!!! There is a lot that goes into that, and deeply. But the root of this point is that we all want to walk free. We all want to look back on anything that has hindered the abundant and spirit-filled life and be at a milestone. Be higher and on top of the thang, rather that under it. And honestly, in order to make it to that point of freedom and milestone, we have to make it through many, many moments of hard. Hard that requires every ounce of everything in us. Once you make a decision to stop something, the enemy is going to bombard you with attack and temptation like you've NEVER experienced before. It WILL get worse before it gets better. But- listen up here, this is important- If we TRULY desire freedom and cry out to Jesus in our moments of attack and temptation, He WILL come through and provide success. EVERY time. Without fail. What I realized fully this week is that My God does NOT desire failure in any form for me. (My largest fear. failure.) So, as long as I cry out to Him in whatever the moment may be, He will be faithful to deliver me from the temptation. Or attack. Or possibility of failing. Or whatever. But I GOTTA cry out to Him. That's the key. If I don't, I am setting myself up for failure.(And probably because I WANTED to fail.) If I DO, I am guaranteed success in Jesus Name. How cool is THAT?!?!? Maybe you already had this issue completely understood. But for me, I'm beyond Stoked. Thanks for that insight, Beth! And Thank you Jesus for drawing me further up and in! Praise You!
Coming on Saturday......some thoughts on what we'll call God-Confidence.

Friday, February 5, 2010


Hinds feet continued

.....so, to continue yesterday's findings. This morning I learned that rather than going to the Lord FOR our courage, we need to go to the Lord AS our courage and bravery. There are so many areas this touches. Many places in which we need to break free of strongholds involving fear.

Yesterday, we discovered that fear is an emotional outburst of doubt or unbelief.
But, let's build on that a bit. It's great to become aware of fear when it's going on, and to realize why we're afraid of something. But, the next problem is what we do when we realize fear has crept in. Most of the time, we try to slow down, think through our situation, and find a way to control the fear. To be in charge of our actions and words. BUT......that can lead to major problems and more strongholds. When we try to control our actions, we are only masking the issue going on within us. And becoming controlling. Even when it doesn't SEEM we're being controlling, we are. This happens way too often in relationships. When we realize we're afraid of something we don't like, or of something unhealthy going on in any type of relationship, We default to some form of control over it. "Not me!" You may say.
"I just give myself some space to think about things and take it before the Lord. Hoping He'll give me insight or answers." Sound familiar to anybody out there? While we DO need to think through the situation, and while we Do need to bring things before the Lord, seeking His face in every situation, you'd better check yourself and your motivations. Giving yourself that space and withdrawing can very easily become manipulation and control of the relationship. Some of the most manipulative and controlling people are the ones who choose silence and pulling away under the mask of "I'm praying about it." or "I'm busy." Oh, really? Busy?! WHAT under Heaven's sun is more important that taking the time to hash out an issue in a relationship with someone else in the body? Do we realize how badly it hurts others when we pull away and become too busy or too spiritually seeking the Lord about them to converse about how we're processing? (Oooooh. That one stung. I'm speaking to myself here!) This sort of ties into my next point....

Learning in front of others. You know, our growth in our walks with the Lord are constantly moving and progressing. This is a lifelong process here. And in that process, there is something that happens way too often. We are afraid to learn, to process, to develop our knowledge, healing, freedom, spiritual gifts, and wisdom in front of others. This is partly why we pull inward in the above mentioned situations. We want to figure it all out, (Whatever "It" is at the moment) and develop ourselves behind closed doors. We don't want others to see us in the raw parts of the processes. We only want to show our self to others once a part of us or the situation is figured out and put together. We don't want to be honest and say "This is what is going on within me right now, in the raw moment of this problem or issue." We shut ourselves up inside until we think we have something wise or profound or attractive to show or say. This can cause us to miss the opportunity to be PROFOUNDLY a part of God's work. We are missing the chance to see God through others, and at the same time, that is causing others to miss a chance to BE the hands, feet, and words of God to US. Which means, we are hindering the chance for THEM to use a spiritual gift or experience the Spirit working through them. Come on! Do we really want to be responsible for having THAT much effect on someone else's spiritual walk? It is a pride issue. We don't want to be humble! (And if right about now we're thinking this is not talking about us, we're the ones who need a reality check!) God says all over His word that He works most in humility and honesty. So, why are we letting our pride get in the way and cause so many problems?!?!?!

Today, let the Lord your God BE your courage and bravery. Ask Him to bring you to a place of honesty and rawness that will facilitate healing and HIS work among the body.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hinds feet on high places

***The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]! For the Chief Musician; with my stringed instruments.***
Habakkuk 3:19

I'm listening to a Conference in which Beth's talking about fear.
This is what I'm learning.....

Fear. Fear is the emotional outburst of doubt or unbelief. But God. (Excuse me. Let me rephrase: The God of the Universe,)does not desire for me to live under the stronghold of fear. It is not His will for me. And THAT is awesome. I'm in the middle of this sinking in and processing. I still have two sessions to go, but I wanted to state that truth. Because it is huge. And enough! To be continued.....

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"Let them praise His name with Dancing..."

Sure, I may not be hugely obese. But for years I've been overweight. I've been fat. I've used food to comfort me and to push others away by making myself un-desirable.

I am learning more each day how my weight has been a very physical and outward display of the bondage going on inside. More than ever, I see that losing weight is a MUST, and it actually doesn't have very much to do with looks. It has everything to do with a need to get healthy. Inside AND out. I need to learn how to go to the LORD with every need, and not to food to fill the holes I feel inside. I need to learn to submit my body to the LORD'S control rather than my will. The areas of bondage I experience in my life are tied to my weight. The pounds were packed on by trying to comfort and push down problems and experiences as they came up, rather than being raw and honest and myself with God and others. I was playing a game. Acting the part of the person I thought others wanted me to be. But, as Beth says, "Game on, chains on. Game off, chains off." So, it naturally follows that if I'm truly honest about and work through all the areas of bondage that I've been caught up in, I will experience a physical change. If I go to Jesus in a moment of challenge rather than the kitchen, I will be so filled with living water and living bread!

For me, the amazing thing about losing weight isn't looking better. It is that when I look in the mirror, I have a very obvious testimony that HE works. HE is the answer. To EVERYTHING. HE can fill me. HE can calm stressful situations. HE can satisfy the groans of my spirit. HE is enough. HE.....IS. When I dance, I literally picture myself dancing before the Throne of God. For HIM. In praise and, in a way, (this may seem weird,) giving my body to Him. With every pound I've been shedding, with every day of being drenched in sweat from dancing like crazy for an hour, with every bottle of water instead of soda, I become incredibly aware of how spiritual this all is.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Nuggests that need to be put together

So, a few things that don't exactly all go together. Yet.

First being the truth that if we are honest with ourself, God, and others, we will many times have to admit that we are not being fully filled and satisfied by Jesus alone. This is hard. No one WANTS to admit this! Our human nature moves towards others or even things to fill the empty pockets we often experience.

To play the flipside of that coin, we can also become so afraid of being un-healthy and depending on the body too much that we put up walls of shelter, forcing others out and forcing ourselves to only depend on God for every inch of the filling and healing process. (And what are shelters when WE build them? Strongholds!)In reality, God uses the body hugely in the process of healing and learning and growing.

I've been both places. I still bounce between those two places. They are closer than one might think! It is difficult to walk the line here. Anyone out there picking up what I'm throwing down?

The art I am learning is to be raw and open and vocal and honest before the Lord. I ask Him to make me aware of the moments I feel a void. (You gotta break it down into simple steps or you'll bypass something simple and fall into a pit.)This is hard. I mean, honestly, who in the world ASKS to know when they're hurting sub-consciously? This. is. not. fun.

Once I know what I'm lacking, I have to automatically cry out and talk to the Lord about it. That can be hard. Sometimes I love to, I delight in it. Other times I have to talk to Him despite maybe not FEELING like it. Unless we lay our emptiness-no matter how small-at His feet, asking to be filled, we are setting ourself up for disaster! The place I so often trip up is feeling like the emptiness is small and will pass and I need to suck it up and toughen up and just distract myself for awhile. I have built walls with this. I admit it. I keep others out. I am very afraid of depending on others too much. I've done it too often in the past and I don't trust myself anymore. It' hard to get over these types of habits. I need to learn to trust myself. I need to learn to let people in and be honest about how I'm doing. Last night, I was going before the Lord with a moment of loneliness. I was thinking that if I talked with Him long enough-or distracted myself long enough-it would pass. But He kindly told me to be more humble. To tear a brick off the tough exterior I try so hard to maintain. So I did. I asked a friend to text with me for a while. Told her I was lonely and needed human contact. It was nice. I think more than anything, it was the act of humbling myself and stating that that God wanted. I'm learning. Slowly. But learning.

What about you? My desire isn't just to talk about myself. Anyone out there resonate with anything I said? And what are you going to do about it?! Take an action step today!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The sweet sound of shackles falling off

So, last night was a huge move toward complete freedom. I wasn't feeling good as I got home from church and headed to bed. I tossed and turned with a headache for a while. Then, out of nowhere, the verses off my index cards started to come to mind. And one in particular stuck and started to play over and over like a tape on repeat. It was Hebrews 10:35-36: "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." I really "got" that verse for the first time. The meaning struck me almost dumb. Then...God suddenly removed the blinders and in a rush like a tidal wave coming over me, I began to see some of the major problems I'm stuck in from a view on top, rather than from under them! It was amazing. For one of the first times ever without being prodded from a friend, I took complete authority over the different spirits I KNEW have been bugging me. I decided out of nowhere that I wasn't going to take their crap anymore, and they needed to leave me the heck alone. So I had a little stomping session with Jesus. He let me have a taste of some pretty incredible authority. And WOAH, it was amazing! There just aint no high like the most high, I'm telling you. Nothing, NOTHING compares to the high of kicking demonic butt hand and hand with Jesus. It is amazing. I think last night was the first step towards learning to live in my authority DESPITE any feelings I may have. And if this is just the beginning, oh boy! I can't wait to see what comes next.

In the middle of all this, I realized that there was a special significance taking place. See, my major problem has been bondage to a destructive thought life. Lies about who I am and who God is have flooded my head and for years played over and over and over. I realized that what took place last night was the action of a tape playing over and over and over.....but it was a tape of truth. A tape of the God of the universe speaking to me and about me through His word. God is using the exact method that destroyed me and put me in bondage and held me there for years to free me. How like God. How awesome! I love Him more each day! Beth, I'm sure many many people have told you, but here's another telling you that the index card thing really, really works! Praise You Jesus!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Do You Know Him?

Grabbing on

I haven't had internet access on a regular basis. We had a hacker here at work. It's time to catch up on this Breaking Free thing......

So, I had decided that Breaking Free must've come up because of a particular addiction I've struggled with for years. I dove into the study with this is mind, and I was excited. Little did I know God would do so much more.......(Seriously. Why do I still continue to get surprised by this?)

As I worked through the first week of homework, the issue of pride came up and was talked about. "That's not me," I thought. "I pretty much disgust myself. I definitely don't deal with pride." Of course, just as this thought went through my head, I read the next paragraph in my homework. Beth talked about self-hatred being a twisted form of pride. She always seems to catch me right in a thought. Beth, how DO you do that?! Anyway, I had this revelation one night last week driving home that I believe is sparked by the homework. I was feeling my usual lonely, depressed-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling that I get so often when I know I'm heading home to be alone for the evening and I don't want to be alone. So, I was talkin with the Lord about this feeling. He pointed out why I felt it that particular day. It happened to be because I knew it was my best friend's date night and the depth of the matter wasn't that I was depressed to be alone. It was that I was angry about her going on date night and enjoying herself in that way while I got NOTHING but a t.v. and weight watchers dinner and a workout with Richard Simmons. The realization that I was angry about it set me thinking. I know anger is an outward manifestation of fear, so I tried to figure the fear out. And AHA!! I got it. I was living in the fear that I would never get to have a date night. That I will ALWAYS be going home to an empty house. And it spiraled from there. I began picking out all the areas in which I experience anger and as I dug deep I found a fear at the root of each. All these fears boil down to being afraid that while God's slicing up the pie of life, He's glossing over me as he hands the slices out. I began to realize the deep root issue I deal with is feeling invisible and un-noticed and like I don't matter. And I allow myself to take it out on my friends because it’s much easier to tell myself I am angry with a friend than with God. But the truth is, the anger is at the "lot" I convince myself God has handed me. And being angry about it means I am afraid He's not looking out for me, He doesn't have my best interest at heart, He sees nothing special in me and will not grace my life with blessing or the ability to do glorifying ministry. This is hard to admit. Noone wants to admit they have an issue with these things. Especially not someone who has been involved in a position of leadership for years. But hey, this process is never going to be of any use unless I can use it to encourage someone else.

To further things, I was hit hard with more reality Sunday. Rick talked about a stronghold of envy that so easily takes over lives. And I saw the horrible way in which envy has infiltrated and taken over like a cancer. Looking back, I can see that for YEARS now, I haven't gone one day without being flooded and consumed with envy towards someone over something they have that I don't. My friend's marriages, families, bodies, cars, jobs, money, talents, etc....I have spend a good portion of every day since I was a little girl being sick over these things in others and wondering when God is going to do something-anything-for ME! Me me me me me. Ugh. It's disgusting. It is going to take so much to re-wire my mind. God literally has to do re-constructive surgery on me to redeem this evil cancer that has taken over. I love the way Rick put it Sunday-Envy is the fever and Doubt is the infection. In other words, this envy goes right alongside anger in the way of having doubt and fear as their roots. And this all leads back to one thing-a Believing God issue. It's always a Believing God issue! Sure, I love Him. In fact, I’m crazy about Him! Sure, I’m saved and trust in Jesus Christ and have been growing in my intimacy with Him for 13 years. Sure, I am spirit-filled and I study and love the truths of scripture. But I struggle with believing that the God of the Universe, the King of Kings, is crazy about ME. Is aware of my life and goings on. Or even cares. I have some serious things to learn here. And there is a stronghold of fear that I need to be freed from.

Beth gave a beautiful example Monday night that truly touched me. She had a prayer shawl that was a replica of the kind Jesus would have worn in His day and in His culture. The shawl has four long tassels on the ends that hang down, to remind the wearer of who they are and who they belong to. And Beth demonstrated what it must have been like for Jesus to be squished in the middle of a large crowd, with this shawl on, at the moment that the women who had been bleeding for 12 long years touched Him. There was a specific lesson He wanted to teach when He asked the crowd “Who touched me?” I mean….it wasn’t like people weren’t squished all against Him on every side! And He was God in human form for cryin out loud! If He made that statement, it had to have been for a reason. Perhaps it was because He knew that from somewhere in this crowd, a women, desperate to be healed, longing for freedom, tired of being ignored and looked down upon because of her affliction, thrust herself into a crowd she likely usually avoided in an effort to get just close enough to reach out and grab hold of the tassels on Jesus shawl and hope that He would notice her. And the next verse says………”Jesus noticed the woman.” GOD……noticed……her. How many of us have been afflicted, addicted, ignored, looked over, not given a chance, or even abused for 12 years? For longer even? Do we get so tired of the issue that we give up hope? Or do we thrust ourselves into a crowd just to grab on the tassel of Jesu’s robe and hang on for dear life, trusting in Him to heal us? I am diving in, grabbing on, and starting a whole new ride!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Lord gave me a pretty incredible word last night: "So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the message God has planted in your heart, for it is strong enough to save your souls. And remember, it is a message to obey, not just to listen to. If you don't obey, u are only fooling yourself." James 1:21-22
"Don't be misled. Remember that u can't ignore God and get away with it. You will always reap what you sow." Galatians 6:7

"It is impossible for Him to show Himself to a man whose mind and character are in the wrong condition. Just as sunlight cannot be reflected in a dusty mirror as clearly as a clean one. While in other sciences the instruments you use are things external to yourself (microscope and telescope), the instrument through which you see God is yourself. If a man's self isn't kept clean and bright, his glimpse of God will be blurred-like the Moon seen through a dirty telescope." ~C.S. Lewis

Oh, how badly I desire to remain always under the umbrella of the spirit! I'm believing God for this!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Unexpected Meeting.

Oh, the ways in which the Lord answers our feeble cries for help! I was SO down in the dumps yesterday. Exhausted, defeated, angry with myself, afraid, and a failure. I remember Sunday night, crying myself to sleep and being too weak to say much, but mumbling, "I want freedom Jesus. Help me. I can't do this. You need to." I had no idea He'd answer so quickly, and it what way.....
I found out yesterday that while I am hosting the old Breaking Free with my co-workers at work, there is a new and revised version. I had read somewhere that this was being done, but didn't know that a.) it was finished, and b.)Big Valley was doing it. Still, how different could it be, apart from Beth's hair being a little smaller this time around? As I considered attending, I thought about how busy it would make me. I'd almost decided not to go, when a friend texted me asking if I was coming. So I decided to give it a shot. A night with Beth? Can't really turn out badly.......
And BAM!!! I am STILL trying to catch my breath. It left me somewhere between Beth talking about cycles we just can't break free from, and the feeling of failure being bondage. I was completely knocked off my feet. God used Beth to reach down and grab my heartstrings, and I wonder if He'll ever give any slack to that tight grip. I'm sure other women feel this way sometimes, but I was beginning to wonder whether someone has been following me around with a video camera. Could it be any more me? It was like going into the doctor because of a little cold, and being told you have cancer flooding your body, and that u have to go into surgery NOW or you will die. Last night, He made the first incision and began to scrape out the ugly cancer that has so thickly infiltrated my whole being. I am a little scared of the rest of the process, since this much happened in one night. But at the same time, I know that in the hands of the God who loves me, I have nothing to fear. (Except NOT getting free.) Oh, Beth. I don't feel ready for this. But here.........we.........go!!!!................