Of COURSE a part of me is walking on a cloud of perpetual bliss and humility at the thought that Jesus chooses ME. Messy, whinny, ugly ME. I don't deserve to work for The King. And every morning when I open my eyes, my breath is once again knocked out of me when I think about the fact that I get to. For life. It's like falling in love again each day.
There's a battle going on within. While I couldn't be happier that I get to experience what He's up to with Agape for 3 beautiful weeks, I am afraid. Afraid of the fact that I will fall in love completely and then have to deal with coming back home. (Because I'm sensitive to and passionate about third world "stuff" and am still ruined forever from South Africa last year). Afraid of being torn away from where I often feel I'm meant to be. That part is going to be pretty painful. And I'm trying not to let it be a damper.
I seem to struggle with spiritual warefare when a trip or something big is coming up. Lately I'm having bad dreams and a sense of dread and fear. About several things. (I'll spare the novel but I'm open if anyone cares to ask). It can be exhausting. Which I believe is the goal of the enemy. Even so, I know he doesn't win.
I also keep thinking about the future. After the trip. What next?! I'm not afraid to say it: I need to move on. I need to find my ministry and move and begin flourishing. My time with Modesto seems to be nearing an end. I just wish I knew what that meant. Living in limbo without any answers as a single 30 year old can be exhausting and daunting on about 20 different levels.
*SIGH* So I look up. And keep walking. One foot in front of the other. And I ask the Spirit to turn that weary walk into the powerful, strong, victorious march it should and can and will be. Thank you Jesus that I don't have to be strong. I just have to let you carry me.