Friday, February 26, 2010

A recent conversation.

Okay, mister. We need to talk. It's time to define this relationship. Oh, yes. It's what you've always feared. I have found you out! What a lying two-timing cheater you are!
I finally see the game you play. I can see how life has been worse for me since you and I hooked up. You have caused me to experience misery. You have caused me to experience anxiety. You've caused me to ruin relationships, hurt people, and have more than one occasion of temporary insanity and embarrassment. (For me AND for others.) You've been a very, very bad friend to me. And I'm breaking up with you. I am leaving you. No, don't be sad. It's not's me. I need to move on. Don't worry. You'll get over it. You'll find someone else to attach to and you two will be very happy together. I must do this to you. You know my Daddy, the King? Well, He's mad at you. He sat me down and brought to my attention how unhealthy you've been for me. He wants to see me happy, content, confident, whole, and complete. And He pointed out that I can't be those things as long as you are near me. He wants you to leave His domain and go far away. You won't be welcome here anymore. After what you've done to me, Daddy will be on His guard. He has special soldiers posted outside the castle and if you try returning, they'll take you down. Daddy has something bigger and better for me. He reminded me that I am a princess, His heir. And that I have an incredible and phenomenal inheritance. He wants me to start taking my place in His Kingdom, as His daughter. And that's exactly what I intend to do. So please don't try to contact me anymore. Ever. Leave me alone. Because, Insecurity, You've been very very bad for me. And I don't love you anymore.

Friday, February 19, 2010


I had a hilarious experience a few days ago. I'm reading Beth's new book called So Long insecurity. I was reading the book on my lunch break, and my co-worker who is a 60s-something guy took it off my desk, read the back cover, opened it, read the prayer I had written inside the front cover,(At this point I was ticked because that was the LAST thing about the book I wanted anyone to see-especially him), and laughed at me. Told me I was a freak and that "she" (Beth) looked like a blond Bimbo who just wrote the book to make money. I let loose on this dude. I got redder that a tomato and began defending it left and right. "She is one of the most intelligent, educated, real, and true people I've ever encountered. DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FRIEND THAT WAY!" When I came back to me senses, I could see by his dear-in-headlights look that I had reacted more than slightly ridiculously. Then, it hit me. I was clobbering this guy and completely losing my temper over what he thought of Beth. Of the book. Of ME reading it. I saw the huge amount of insecurity I experienced over him seeing it. And I just started laughing at myself. And HE started laughing at me. And you know what he said? "Why do you women always go off on us when we do the littlest thing we think is innocent?" I laughed even harder and told him "Because we're all so insecure!" It was awesome! And man, do I have issues!

There's a deep, long blog brewing. Stay tuned over the weekend.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Why we do it.

I've been exhausted and dealing with a lot of things that I need to process before I have my thoughts organized enough to write another blog. In the mean time, this really spoke to me, and I pray it blesses you. It's not that long, so watch ALL of it, please!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

True Desires

God has been weaving many things into me. I am almost processing too much to put into words. But I will share one thing that has been really sticking as far as the journey to Breaking Free.....

The reason we so often DON'T break free of a cycle or habit is because, deep down, in reality, WE DON'T WANT TO!!! There is a lot that goes into that, and deeply. But the root of this point is that we all want to walk free. We all want to look back on anything that has hindered the abundant and spirit-filled life and be at a milestone. Be higher and on top of the thang, rather that under it. And honestly, in order to make it to that point of freedom and milestone, we have to make it through many, many moments of hard. Hard that requires every ounce of everything in us. Once you make a decision to stop something, the enemy is going to bombard you with attack and temptation like you've NEVER experienced before. It WILL get worse before it gets better. But- listen up here, this is important- If we TRULY desire freedom and cry out to Jesus in our moments of attack and temptation, He WILL come through and provide success. EVERY time. Without fail. What I realized fully this week is that My God does NOT desire failure in any form for me. (My largest fear. failure.) So, as long as I cry out to Him in whatever the moment may be, He will be faithful to deliver me from the temptation. Or attack. Or possibility of failing. Or whatever. But I GOTTA cry out to Him. That's the key. If I don't, I am setting myself up for failure.(And probably because I WANTED to fail.) If I DO, I am guaranteed success in Jesus Name. How cool is THAT?!?!? Maybe you already had this issue completely understood. But for me, I'm beyond Stoked. Thanks for that insight, Beth! And Thank you Jesus for drawing me further up and in! Praise You!
Coming on Saturday......some thoughts on what we'll call God-Confidence.

Friday, February 5, 2010


Hinds feet continued, to continue yesterday's findings. This morning I learned that rather than going to the Lord FOR our courage, we need to go to the Lord AS our courage and bravery. There are so many areas this touches. Many places in which we need to break free of strongholds involving fear.

Yesterday, we discovered that fear is an emotional outburst of doubt or unbelief.
But, let's build on that a bit. It's great to become aware of fear when it's going on, and to realize why we're afraid of something. But, the next problem is what we do when we realize fear has crept in. Most of the time, we try to slow down, think through our situation, and find a way to control the fear. To be in charge of our actions and words. BUT......that can lead to major problems and more strongholds. When we try to control our actions, we are only masking the issue going on within us. And becoming controlling. Even when it doesn't SEEM we're being controlling, we are. This happens way too often in relationships. When we realize we're afraid of something we don't like, or of something unhealthy going on in any type of relationship, We default to some form of control over it. "Not me!" You may say.
"I just give myself some space to think about things and take it before the Lord. Hoping He'll give me insight or answers." Sound familiar to anybody out there? While we DO need to think through the situation, and while we Do need to bring things before the Lord, seeking His face in every situation, you'd better check yourself and your motivations. Giving yourself that space and withdrawing can very easily become manipulation and control of the relationship. Some of the most manipulative and controlling people are the ones who choose silence and pulling away under the mask of "I'm praying about it." or "I'm busy." Oh, really? Busy?! WHAT under Heaven's sun is more important that taking the time to hash out an issue in a relationship with someone else in the body? Do we realize how badly it hurts others when we pull away and become too busy or too spiritually seeking the Lord about them to converse about how we're processing? (Oooooh. That one stung. I'm speaking to myself here!) This sort of ties into my next point....

Learning in front of others. You know, our growth in our walks with the Lord are constantly moving and progressing. This is a lifelong process here. And in that process, there is something that happens way too often. We are afraid to learn, to process, to develop our knowledge, healing, freedom, spiritual gifts, and wisdom in front of others. This is partly why we pull inward in the above mentioned situations. We want to figure it all out, (Whatever "It" is at the moment) and develop ourselves behind closed doors. We don't want others to see us in the raw parts of the processes. We only want to show our self to others once a part of us or the situation is figured out and put together. We don't want to be honest and say "This is what is going on within me right now, in the raw moment of this problem or issue." We shut ourselves up inside until we think we have something wise or profound or attractive to show or say. This can cause us to miss the opportunity to be PROFOUNDLY a part of God's work. We are missing the chance to see God through others, and at the same time, that is causing others to miss a chance to BE the hands, feet, and words of God to US. Which means, we are hindering the chance for THEM to use a spiritual gift or experience the Spirit working through them. Come on! Do we really want to be responsible for having THAT much effect on someone else's spiritual walk? It is a pride issue. We don't want to be humble! (And if right about now we're thinking this is not talking about us, we're the ones who need a reality check!) God says all over His word that He works most in humility and honesty. So, why are we letting our pride get in the way and cause so many problems?!?!?!

Today, let the Lord your God BE your courage and bravery. Ask Him to bring you to a place of honesty and rawness that will facilitate healing and HIS work among the body.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hinds feet on high places

***The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]! For the Chief Musician; with my stringed instruments.***
Habakkuk 3:19

I'm listening to a Conference in which Beth's talking about fear.
This is what I'm learning.....

Fear. Fear is the emotional outburst of doubt or unbelief. But God. (Excuse me. Let me rephrase: The God of the Universe,)does not desire for me to live under the stronghold of fear. It is not His will for me. And THAT is awesome. I'm in the middle of this sinking in and processing. I still have two sessions to go, but I wanted to state that truth. Because it is huge. And enough! To be continued.....

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"Let them praise His name with Dancing..."

Sure, I may not be hugely obese. But for years I've been overweight. I've been fat. I've used food to comfort me and to push others away by making myself un-desirable.

I am learning more each day how my weight has been a very physical and outward display of the bondage going on inside. More than ever, I see that losing weight is a MUST, and it actually doesn't have very much to do with looks. It has everything to do with a need to get healthy. Inside AND out. I need to learn how to go to the LORD with every need, and not to food to fill the holes I feel inside. I need to learn to submit my body to the LORD'S control rather than my will. The areas of bondage I experience in my life are tied to my weight. The pounds were packed on by trying to comfort and push down problems and experiences as they came up, rather than being raw and honest and myself with God and others. I was playing a game. Acting the part of the person I thought others wanted me to be. But, as Beth says, "Game on, chains on. Game off, chains off." So, it naturally follows that if I'm truly honest about and work through all the areas of bondage that I've been caught up in, I will experience a physical change. If I go to Jesus in a moment of challenge rather than the kitchen, I will be so filled with living water and living bread!

For me, the amazing thing about losing weight isn't looking better. It is that when I look in the mirror, I have a very obvious testimony that HE works. HE is the answer. To EVERYTHING. HE can fill me. HE can calm stressful situations. HE can satisfy the groans of my spirit. HE is enough. HE.....IS. When I dance, I literally picture myself dancing before the Throne of God. For HIM. In praise and, in a way, (this may seem weird,) giving my body to Him. With every pound I've been shedding, with every day of being drenched in sweat from dancing like crazy for an hour, with every bottle of water instead of soda, I become incredibly aware of how spiritual this all is.