Saturday, October 27, 2012
Lately, I'm reminded simultaneously of the fact that Jesus has radically redeemed me and brought me so far, yet I have a long way yet to go. I'm still learning the art of Believing God. I've been attempting to make everything work and have an answer for everyone I run into. When the reality is so very different. And I need to be okay with the reality. That's the part I'm struggling with. Discontentment over where I am. If everyone knew how I really was on the inside, how I think and feel, they'd flip! Anyone feeling me here? I could give you a list of all the things I'm fighting with in myself. The shame I need deliverance from over parts of my life and who I am. But I'll refrain so that we can all relate to what I'm about to say... Where are we? What are we deeply wrestling with and losing a battle over? What has us striving so hard the veins in our necks are about to pop out? Come. Join me in letting it go. Let's throw our hands up, stop fighting, and become messy heaps on the floor together. Today, I give up having answers and being put together. I'm chaotic. I'm messy. I don't fully know who I am or where I'm headed. And that is exactly where Jesus wants me. Because until we are a heap of soft clay in a pile on the ground, He can't pick us up and work with us. Softening, molding, creating a masterpiece. I don't want to be too stiff for Him to use, do you? Do me a favor, will you? When you talk to me next, rather than asking if I've got plans for Africa yet, ask me if I've been working on being pliable clay. Seeking to know Him more and become more like Him. Running after His heart and making it my life. Because if I work on that, He'll take care of the rest. After all, He's in the business of creating beauty, you know.
One of the things that infuriates me most about American society and culture is the extreme fast-paced and busy lifestyles we live. I've been hit hard lately with the reality that a hectic and busy life not only drowns out the voice of the Holy Spirit within us, but blinds us from seeing what it is Jesus has been doing and the thread of what He's weaving through you and your life. Too often, I am found attempting to carve out time to fit Him into, rather than carving my life around Him and what He's doing as the centerpiece. Busy must be one of satan's favorite tactics. It works on all of us.I was asking Jesus this week what it is I need to be doing right now. This has been one incredible year, full of Jesus doing crazy and huge things-one after another. Things that would take too long to tell today but that would shock you and send a holy chill running up your spine. And I'm still processing a lot of it. One of the bigger things He's doing is moving me towards a long-term time in Africa. I have been trying to figure out details for a while, and it's been driving me bonkers not to have all the answers and all the dates and any of the money. I've been striving and wrestling over-time in my spirit over what I feel is a need to have it figured out. Yesterday as I was driving I was again asking God about it in a very similar way to a 3 year old questioning her mother about things."But when? Where? Why? How are we? Now?.....Now?.......uh, now?" (Sometimes I remind myself of the seagulls on Finding Nemo. "Mine?")Out of the blue, He shushed me quite quickly. As a light turned green I was switching into first gear and my hand kind of hit the power button to the radio. And a song came on. A song I know. And love. But in that moment, it took on a whole new meaning. You see, I know the backstory of the song. I know the moment that Mike Weaver was totally and utterly shocked by Jesus saying these words to Him. And as I was thinking about it, Jesus told me, "This is you, too. The backstory is you. You strive to do, do, do. You want to have it all together and all figured out because you're 30, single, and don't even have your own place. You're a loser in our society's eyes and you want to have it all together so that you'll look better. But I want you to STOP. I want you to truly sit in and fully realize THIS. THIS is what I care about. Work on getting this into your heart. I'll handle the rest. It's my job anyway. Quit trying to do it for me. It's not like you can do it better!"