Wednesday, July 14, 2010


"A man by His sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief." -A.W.Tozer

I truly do see that I'm a vapor in time. And I truly do desire with every ounce of my
being to reflect Jesus in every way possible. You either light up a room because you've just entered, or because you've just left. I want every moment to matter. I want to give and give until there's nothing left to give. And then watch Jesus give me more to give. I know some of my extended family thinks I'm extreme and just sort of weird. But really. When you die, people don't care or talk about what degree you had or the things you accumulated. They try to find something nice about you as a person. About your character. And I for one would rather go through life with some people thinking I'm strange than be normal. I want to show people Jesus. Every day. I want to reak with the scent of healing, hope, redemption, Jesus. I want to just be gushing with Him and truth so much that when people are standing around my memorial service, they're singing and dancing in praise over the beauty of the God they were able to meet. I want them worshipping and laughing in His presence, because they know that's what I love doing and that I'm doing it in Heaven. That's all I want from this life. To have people see and experience being completely in love with and obsessed over Jesus Christ because they saw what He did in me. An incredible work. A legacy of truth and healing. Man, I love Him so!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Today's findings

 "I have loved you just as the Father has loved Me; abide in My love."                     (John15:9)  

Wow! Did you catch that?! Jesus is telling you that He loves you JUST AS MUCH as the God of the Universe loves Him. If that doesn't blow your mind, I don't know what will!  Then He tells you, "now abide in that love."

transitive verb:
1 : to wait for : await 
2 a : to endure without yielding : withstand    
   b : to bear patiently : tolerate  
3 : to accept without objection 
intransitive verb:
1 : to remain stable or fixed in a state 
2 : to continue in a place

Well, okay. I can do that. Nice to have some direction:)

Monday, July 12, 2010


You know what I'm thinking today? I'm thinking that we're all born into a shattered world. Life and living are about putting something together. And Jesus must be the glue. Nothing repairs or stays repaired without Him. NOTHING.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I don't have cable. And I don't subscribe to magazines. So this week as I housesit I flipped on the TV to find something to watch. And I don't know why, everything seemed to be in a different light to me. In less than 20 minutes I saw an add for The Abrocket, braces, mascara, and body lotion. It wasn't as if I haven't seen these ads before. In fact, I know several of them almost by heart. But today some of the key phrases seemed to pop out at me. "Do you want to loose those lovehandles that NOBODY loves about you and have the body that will make your life happy?"....."my daughter was miserable before her braces. Now she's happy because she's pretty"......"with stelleto mascara, you'll be the talk of the town. You'll stop ANY man in his tracks. Walk on the wild side". Even a body lotion as simple as Nivea has adds that show a woman putting lotion on and being swept off her feet and straight into bed by a hot guy. I could go on. You get the point. This disgusts me. I got mad at the TV and flipped open a copy of Seventeen instead. The ads were no better. I wanted to puke at the fresh realization that girls-young girls-are getting this at such an early age and point in their lives. We see it and get used to it and are infiltrated with it all ou lives. With a wave of understanding, I can "get" why I've spent YEARS thinking being overweight is a reason to despise myself. Ugh. It makes me want to scream!!! I just want to take every teen i work with and sit her down and force her to read Captivating and So Long Insecurity. We've GOT to be the different ones here! We don't usually notice anything wrong with the ads that scream at us every day. But if we think about it, they ARE wrong. Very wrong. Every add we see is telling us to that if we just get the right product, we'll be pretty or sexy or with the times or envied enough. And, they claim that if we are those things, we'll be happy enough. No wonder America is the most obese and financially in dept and miserable. We are bombarded by our society to spend and eat to find happiness and comfort. It's all a gigantic lie. America needs to stop allowing themselves to be influenced. It's a choice and we CAN refuse. America doesn't need food. And it doesn't need more "stuff". I'm proof. I just left a job for another job where I'm getting less hours. I'm determined to take time to make my life about healing and about showing Jesus to others, rather than about how many hrs I can work and how much I can get payed. We don't need stuff. We need Jesus. And to bring Him to our world.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Going mad.

Sometimes something hurts so bad it makes you feel as if there just is no possibility of moving on. Ever. At all. The world suddenly becomes quiet and it would almost appear that it has collectively as a whole turned it's back on you. And the only thing that seems would make sense in that moment is for everything to cease. I feel that way a lot, about a lot lately. Lots of painful happenings seem to be occurring. Deep things. I can't stop them, and that's half my problem. The other half is being so hurt I can barely function and at the same time knowing the important thing is not circumstances, but my reaction to them. Hard.

I long to be severely and intimately connected with Jesus and filled so continuously and fully by the Spirit that I know what He's thinking and feeling about everything. Every time. I don't even WANT my own self and opinions to be. They're lame anyway and won't be missed one little bit. Man. I'm learning that it's going to take a lot of work to get there. I need to give up any dream containing material gain. Instead I want to help the broken and wounded. Take in the shattered and hurting. Love the failures and the losers. Invest myself into the dropouts. The ones most everyone avoids. I want and need to teach. To bring healing. To be the hands and feet of Jesus in so many ways. I realize with increasing intensity that I am never going to fit in and be normal. There's something about my me-ness that WILL make many others in the church un-comfortable. And right now I don't feel I can handle my calling. I'm not feeling very princess-y. I feel like the only 27 year old girl who doesn't know what it's like to have a prince. I FEEL like the task before me is too much. I FEEL that too much of me is still too broken for all of this. I FEEL that all I can do is lay in bed at night and cry out "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus." I FEEL there is no other answer and way for anything. And besides, I FEEL calmer when I call that name with that power in it all night. I FEEL that I have such crazy ideas of how I want to live and what I want to do with my kids and husband someday. If I listed them YOU'D feel like I was crazy. I think I am. I think I've gone bonkers. But I know a secret. All the best people are. :•}

Monday, July 5, 2010

...lost my muchness, have I?!

Tell me I'm reading too much into it, but I am greatly encouraged by the new Alice in Wonderland. I was reminded today by the silliest thing that perhaps when I feel the weakest and most a mess, I may actually be the strongest and most beautiful. Not to everyone. But to Jesus. And to those who matter and take time to "get" that whole truth.

Even when I'm exhausted, attacked, failing, etc.... I need to act like the princess I truly am. If it is true that I have a dad who happens to be the biggest and best King in the biggest and best Kingdom there is, then I'd better be more intent on living like it. I have a job to do. I may be just a girl here, with nothing and no one special. But my true identity is actually that of a warrior princess (And don't think you'll EVER see me looking like Xena. The thought makes me cringe!) I have a job to do. I've got to kick some serious, major demonic butt. And literally. I'm talking about real live stomping on the enemy.

Since I've seemed to be experiencing some attack from the opposition, it has to start here, with my life. We all need to take up our swords, arm ourselves with the weapons He's given us, and start fighting. I've decided that any reason for a lack of authority over the enemy lies in forgetting who I am. If I'm to remember and live out my royalty, I need to start by reminding myself. I'm going to start believing six impossible things before breakfast. That's the way to do things right:
1. The being who hand-crafted the earth all that's in it loves ME.
2. 2,000 years ago, a guy believed in me so much, He payed the price for me to have direct access to this God who loves me.
3. I have a power in me that can move any mountain and heal sickness.
4. I get to rule alongside this incredible being in the royal courts.
5. I am fully armed and can slay the enemy when he gets in my way.
6. My King promises to work out anything that happens for my good.
There's six impossible things most people don't believe in a lifetime, much less before breakfast. I'll start there. And so should you, fellow warriors!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Strange longings

I really miss the Firehouse. Like, REALLY miss it. My spirit aches for the way life was then. (minus the owner). I miss a lot of things about life at Ecola, too. And here's the funny part: both of those things were parts of my life for pretty short periods of time. Yet I loved them the most. Wierd.......
I'm freaking out about a lot of stuff. I don't know why. You think you're pretty much over things and suddenly they come back up with a vengeance out of nowhere way later. Does this mean I never really dealt with and got healing with them? Who knows.....
So much on my heart. Strange dreams lately. Surprising emotions over seemingly small things. Longing to be a part of something so real and true and Jesus even more than I am now. Jumbled. **sigh** Days like this are part of being human, I suppose. A strange longing that I just know won't be filled. So...I dream about Narnia. It comforts. Jesus. More of Jesus. He works. Every time.