Saturday, March 6, 2010

Checking all my closets again!

So, let's see how this one turns out.....
In going through breaking free as well as reading this book-So Long Insecurity, I've been in this phase of working through some deep issues that I've had engrained for pretty much my whole life. It is difficult, and I, like many others, am feeling a sense of "rawness" and exhaustion over the thang. But at the same time, praise Jesus, dude. He is on the move and it's awesome, even when I am beat and agitated and, well, anything else. (That, right there is what's so awesome about Him. Neverchanging. Never dependant on our emotions. whew. Anyone else out there utterly thankful for THAT?)

Imagine my surprise, then, when I woke up today with an incredibly overwhelming sense of cabin fever. It came completely unexpected and totally caught me off guard. Where the heck was this coming from? I mean.....I have been diving in deep to my Beth studies and doing some serious and amazing wk with the Lord over all this stuff. And I truly have been loving the realness of truth and the journey. But today, all I can think about is this overwhelming desire to be in an airport. Fly. Ride a train. Anything! (I drove past the Amtrak station and very, very seriously considered just hopping on and going-figure out where to stop and what I'm doing later. I kind of regret that I didn't!) I can't stop craving Disneyland right now. I took a nap this afternoon and dreamed of being in the Tiki Room and singing with Jose. Then I went on the jungle cruise and did the whole speel with the tour guide. (Yes, I know it all by heart. It's sick, I know. Must be some kind of disease.) I even downloaded an app of Disneyland trivia and played for two hrs. And The ache for some sort of adventure keeps growing until now where I'm at the point of feeling like I might just go completely crazy and have to rent a room at my work if I don't have some sort of adventure soon. I mean it. For real. Don't be messing with a hlf crazy person. It's dangerous!

Here's the part that will hopefully mean something to someone.....
I was asking God why i get so incredibly desperate for adventure. What's the big deal with it anyway? And it hit me......I was reminded of something I know well but can forget often because it's not the attitude and understanding I'm surrounded with at wk. This whole feeling that I don't WANT to just stay where I am. Stay comfortable. Something about that just feels, well, off. That would because it's supposed to! Yep, you read that right! We are not supposed to feel comfortable here! The Lord gently reminded me today that I am Lucy, living at the moment in my England. And that is not what I was meant for. I was meant to find Narnia. To stumble into a marvilous and incredible adventure in which I had gifts to offer and a role that could never be filled by anyone but me! A place where my King is a wild-but good-king who is always on the move. A place where I am a real, true queen who rules with valor and justice and bravery. THAT is what I was created for. And since I know my true future is reigning alongside my King someday, it's totally okay to feel something lacking sometimes. The beauty of this is while the world I am in is my fiction, and the Narnia I wait for is actually my reality, I can take comfort in the fact that this isn't as important as so many people feel it is. Which frees me up from a whole world of striving to have certain things and to look a certain way and achieve a certain status. My status has already been given to me. Yipee! And so, I come to the conclusion today that I can ache and ask God for some kind of adventure to ease that longing, and He'll understand completely and be happy that I came to Him and asked! That does my heart some serious good!

With that being said, I hurt my back transfering a resident today and I'm exhausted mentally and physically. So I am off to watch Narnia. Or fly to Neverland. Anyone else wanna go? I hear the Lost Boys have a fun ambush planned for Captain Hook and the crew tonight. Meet me there- second star to the right and strait on 'till morning!

1 comment:

BeckyLove said...

I Love the way you think! Hope your back is feeling better <3