Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Sweet Conversations: 2nd round

Even after God answers one of my deepest desires, I still fight against Him. I pretend I don't sense the tugging in my spirit. I act as if I don't know He's commanding specific rawness & vulnerability from me. I begin to dodge topics & questions that may lead to a need for me to share the most secret of places. I should know better. Oh, you can try to fight it, but when your Daddy's the King, you either obey what He commands or become miserable with the consequences.

"Lord, I don't know if I'm ready for this much. Obeying you might just be too scary. Being truly me here just may be too much."

"You don't get it. I'm giving you what you desired for so long.
Now do what I've asked."


"DO IT."

Deep sigh. A shutter of apprehension in my breath. A little shakily at first, but with increased peace, I respond to the question with utter honesty. I'm freaked out, but I remember Beth talking on more than one occasion about knowing God is requiring obedience of her and having to say "Yes, sir", and just going out on stage and doing the thang, shaky knees and all. When you obey, He makes your knees stop shaking eventually. So I backspace the clever and funny response I've so carefully crafted in hopes of making myself appear cute and funny and smart and darling. And I simply respond to the question. Purely organically. Raw. And for the first time in my life, completely honestly. And before I have a chance to fight Him again, I quickly finish and hit "send."

Peace. A twinge of joy over the fact that I was just obedient in the hardest of areas. Nevermind the response. I did it. And when the response comes back, it's more than I could hope for. Complete and total acceptance and understanding. Suddenly the smile is back on my face again. And this time, He speaks not in a whisper but a huge, loud, deafening roar like Aslan himself making it known to every creature and tree in Narnia that this is His baby girl and she just did something huge and because of that He is rewarding her. And He's proud. Warrior Princess gets another part of her redeemed and stands a bit taller and a bit stronger than before. Hear me shout, Narnia. Hear me shout.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Sweet conversations.

"UGH!" I screamed and cried bitterly as loud as I could. "I'm done! Finished with this. You hear that!?!?" I stopped to cough because I was yelling so loud it hurt my throat. I took another deep shaky breath- the kind of breath you take when you've bawled your eyes out for hours and your whole body shutters just to breathe. "I've been asking and asking and working for years to find this. Why wouldn't you want it? That's it. I give up. Completely. Totally. G-I-V-E U-P. Forget it." I secretly believed He didn't care enough about my need, and possibly me, to meet it. I was hurt. Confused. Not understanding why it was so difficult for the King of the Universe to provide for this particular need. It seemed like something that would be no big deal to Him. But no matter how I asked or how I sought an answer out, after several years the answer stayed the same: silence. So I made a decision to give up.

Then, a few weeks later, from the least expected place, BAM!!! It was just there this morning. Handed to me. I could hardly believe He was answering what I'd completely given up on. I didn't know how to respond except to sing praises.

And in one small quiet moment, I heard Him whisper, "Darling, go ahead. Ask." I blushed as I realized afresh how well He knows my most intimate thoughts & emotions. And I did ask the question that had been sitting on my mind all day: "Why did you wait until I gave up on it (and on you) before answering?" and I heard Him answer just as clear as anything, "Darling, because I wanted to show you that I haven't given up on it long after you have, and I will NEVER give up on you."

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Bows and arrows

In my reading today, I came across a verse in Lamentations that really got my mind reeling. Chapter 3:12: "God took careful aim & shot his arrows straight through my heart."
To be perfectly honest, this is a pretty accurate description of how I've been feeling lately. Now don't get me wrong, I am definitely very much continuing to fall in love with Jesus every day. However, I am in a season of really tough stuff. I've got several painful issues I'm dealing with, several jobs, consistent shortage of finances, the difficulty of being single & alone, etc..........and sometimes it honestly feels as if God is trying to shoot me in the heart with an arrow. I don't get it. I don't understand what He's up to. And I'm okay with that. 
This whole bow and arrow thing really got me thinking about something that Miss Beth has talked about before. I had forgotten. And perhaps not quite understood yet. But I think I'm beginning to get it now. Ready for this?.......
This is hard to swallow. But sometimes God DOES aim arrows straight at our heart. Sometimes He really IS trying to wound us. Crazy to think about, huh? There are times I can totally understand the reasons behind it. We've grown cold & callous in some area. We've put up walls and tried to keep others or Him out. We need to learn some sort if lesson.........
Then there are times it doesn't totally make sense and the best we can do I sorta guess why & simply believe Him. That hurts. That's hard. That's very difficult to wrap the mind around. That's where I am. I don't get a lot of what's happening right now. It confuses me and tries to overwhelm me. But I DO get that He is doing an incredible wk in me. I DO get that He tells me He has my best interests at heart. I DO get that all the painful experiences I have help me to understand and have compassion for and help others when they start to deal with similar issues. And that has to be enough for now. Let this be an encouragement for you. Don't be afraid to put down your shield and let Him shoot u straight in the heart. When it hits, He'll catch u. It's kind of like breaking a bone and going to the doctor to get it fixed. He'll have to re-set or break it even more to pop it into the proper place for healing to begin. He has to hurt u more before u can get better. I don't totally get it. But I get that He does!