Monday, October 31, 2011

Update # 1: Health

So I've written and re-written updates for several weeks. And haven't posted one. It's very hard for me to talk about this. It's personal. It makes me look weak. I like appearing strong. But I think now-as I'm forced to sit in the waiting room yet again-would be a good time to go into it. I am only hurting myself by not allowing the church the opportunity to act like it. 

Basically, I have been severely bleeding for about 7 months now. At first, it was no big deal. But bleeding consistently without ceasing while working and teaching Zumba on a daily basis catches up with anyone after a while. My anemia is out of control. (you can't get on top of it when you just keep bleeding.) I'm fatigued beyond belief. My emotions and even personality are altered. Several months ago I stopped teaching so many classes at night. Something that was very difficult for me to do. But my body forced me to. Through the pulling back of teaching, I realized how tied to it I have become. How much it's become my identity. It's very painful not to be instructing every night. I've gained a few pounds back. And I'm STILL struggling with the fact that I am not able to have the prestige of instructing in labeling who I am. But it's good. Jesus has been teaching me how important it is to find my identity in Him and Him alone. Two weeks ago I jumped up front of an extremely crowded class with my friend Melissa as she taught and got all puffed up about being "back in the game." That moment that attitude began consuming me, I tweaked my knee and it's still hurting. As I cried over it that night, The Lord gently reminded me that while He doesn't enjoy seeing me be hurt, He'll allow it if it will keep me humbled. So here I am. 

I'm currently enduring an extremely high amount of hormones being pumped into my body every day and this week am going through a series of tests to figure out why my body is mis-behaving. Let me tell you, it hasn't been pretty. I am so not myself at ALL lately. I feel as if I'm one big emotional mass of everything all heaped on the floor. Because my emotions are a mess and my body needs an intense and extreme amount of rest and unique treatment, I've shut out the world a lot. And I've been lectured about it. I've been told I need to be more social. I'm too isolated. Things like that. The truth is, I need more friends, but friends that are understanding. Gentle. That will be willing to sit quietly or pray over my body when I suddenly get dripping hot flashes out of nowhere because of the pills. 

 By the end of this week, I should know what's wrong with me. That's the doctor's goal and hope. They're only speculating right now. The "c" word has been thrown out there but we don't know yet. If you read this and you're willing to be a prayer warrior on my body's and Spirit's behalf, I would be extremely thankful. That's what I need. Thanks for reading. Thanks for supporting. 
Jesus rules completely and totally. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that EVERYTHING is always purposed for something bigger later. Nothing is EVER wasted in the Kingdom world. EVER. 

Friday, October 21, 2011

For when you are weak, then He is strong. Even when you can't feel, see, or understand when or how that may work out. 

Sunday, October 9, 2011

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way i feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell
Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Cnto something beautiful
What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought i'd see.
Give me reason to believe
You'd never keep me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine?
It easily defines me,
Do you see it on my face?
That all i can think about is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me.
Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
And I'm still fighting for the word
To break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You'd stare right back down
Into something beautiful
So close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

 ~Jars Of Clay 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Finding first loves again.

I don't know why I'm frightened
I know my way around here
The cardboard trees, the painted seas, the sound here
Yes, a world to rediscover
But I 'm not in any hurry
And I need a moment

The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways
The atmosphere as thrilling here as always
Feel the early morning madness
Feel the magic in the making
Why, everything's as if we never said goodbye

I've spent so many mornings just trying to resist you
I'm trembling now, you can't know how I've missed you
Missed the fairy tale adventure
In this ever spinning playground
We were young together

I'm coming out of make-up
The lights already burning
Not long until the cameras will start turning
And the early morning madness
And the magic in the making
Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye

I don't want to be alone
That's all in the past
This world's waited long enough
I've come home at last!

And this time will be bigger
And brighter than we knew it
So watch me fly, we all know I can do it
Could I stop my hand from shaking?
Has there ever been a moment
With so much to live for?

The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways
So much to say not just today but always
We'll have early morning madness
We'll have magic in the making
Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye
Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye
We taught the world new ways to dream!

........from Sunset Boulevard

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all-oh, how well I remember-the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way. 
~Lamentations 3:19-33 {MSG}