The desire for defeat

Here's one you don't hear every day. Try this on for size:
I say it is likely that we desire defeat in our lives. Yes, you heard me correctly!  Right about now you're probably thinking I'm nuts. You're mostly right:)  

I believe it's possible that the enemy has us so wrapped up & confused that we begin to desire a life that is living in defeat of the way God longs to see us live. 

For example, I spent the last several years living In a significant amount of victory over many areas of sin and generational curses that through a lot of hard, long, painful work the Lord & I overcame. I have lived happy about this and with a feeling of accomplishment & confidence that I'm strong spiritually. But you see, a confidence that develops out of contentment of status is never a good thing. Before we have a chance to catch it, pride rears it's big ugly head and shows up on our doorstep. And if we are sittin pretty in our confidence that we aren't living in sin anymore, it doesn't ring the doorbell. It walks right in and makes itself at home.   

Lately, I've been becoming keenly aware that I've been pretty stagnant in my spiritual life. I used to have to actively do all manner of things on a daily basis to make it a day without returning to that addictive behavior. And somewhere along the line I stopped. I stopped memorization of scripture. I stopped repeating & praying it aloud; again, and again, and again......
I stopped beginning each day on my face and admitting I'd get nowhere without the Holy Spirit filling me up. I stopped asking for gigantic miracles every day & praising Him in advance for what He was going to do. I stopped asking for accountability.  I figured I didn't need to work hard to find it. I hadn't been living in that sin behavior anymore.  And then, I saw it. 

I saw me. A normal, basic, everyday person. I realized one day that I look & talk & think exactly as my co-workers do. In defeat. In un-belief. Not un-belief IN God. But OF God, who He is, Who I am in Him. I was beginning to speak in a way that consisted of hopelessness. I began to function as the rest of the world. This may not seem so bad. But you see, once you realize the power of Jesus Christ, once you experience it, once it drastically changes you, heals you, redeems you from the pit and gives you a new name, the last thing you should look like is normal. Is like everyone else. And the fact that we so often do is in itself defeat. Defeat from living and acting in the freedom & power & potential that you have in Him.  My heart has been hurt recently. And the enemy has put me into a place if isolation-He's been working very hard to strip me of my power & wear me down in every way possible.  And  I've been living in it. I've just accepted that the things that hurt and even really damage me are not able to change-this is how it is. And truthfully, I have absolutely no reason for my life to look like this. I can-and should-be fighting on my knees and face over the things that have been happening to me. But the enemy is large. And real. And he wants me to think that just because most other believers around me aren't extreme, I shouldn't be either. But if I look at most other believers around me, I see someone who looks pretty normal. Just like me. And then He whispers in my ear & tells me I need to be different. Be extreme. Fight with whatever means necessary to live with the power I have a right to. So I'll be extreme. I'll be way more weird than even most Christians. Is that so bad? I don't WANT to be like most. I want to be victorious and full of joy and victory. So, I am gonna fight. I'm gonna do whatever crazy things I have to in order to give up these last few addictions that I'm struggling with. I'm gonna care enough about the relationship that's hurting my heart to get on my face and fight for it or for peace to let it go. I'm not just going to go the extra mile to be radically different. I'll go as far as it takes. And if it's alone, so be it. I'm done being stagnant just because I feel I i have noone In my life who takes time to see it all. Don't let anything or anyone cause you to desire defeat from the unlimited power you have in the name of normalcy or fitting in. Take it from me- it's not at all worth it.

 Jesus, do your thang and be HUGE today. 

A Mess.

Facebook. Twitter,
all our apps get littered.
Photos, updates, even games,
How many more comments can I gain?
Photos get edited before they're put up,
I can make it look like I don't have a big butt!
We control the things that people can see,
And before long we're making up our identity. 
I choose to look good when I post something today,
I don't tell you my sleep pattern makes me live in a haze. 
I dont tell u I'm lonely and hate living alone,
Or that my heart hurts when friends get to busy to phone. 
I don't show you my pile of laundry on the couch,
Or the bum knee I teach Zumba on-ouch!
I don't tell you about the struggles I always have with my thoughts,
that every day lived in victory was REALLY fought. 
I don't talk about spiritual battles that rage,
That would be so uncomfortable to put on my facebook page!
Everyone else seems to have so much  to say,
So many updates to add to their status today.
I only have one thing on my mind at this point,
I'm worn out from my mind all the way down to my joints. 
I'm done hiding that I am a mess,
It's okay NOT to be okay. It's okay to be depressed. 
I serve a King who knows every inch of my life. 
He knows my desires, from ministry to being a wife. 
Past, present, and future are all in His hand,
If I only knew HOW much, I could more boldly stand. 
He probably chuckles when he sees me freak out
He has such great plans it's ridiculous for me to doubt. 
I'm a mess alright, but a beautiful one,
You know who told me that? My King & His Son.

Major Confession.

When I was little I remember hearing a few talks & sermons about success. About men often giving up their families & ministry time to work more. To climb the corporate ladder. To be more successful. Even at a young age, this was one issue I really thought about & understood. And I remember thinking to myself, "people who do this are just stupid. I know better. I know success is relative. I know this world thinks u need to get far with labels, but God has a whole different system for success & what it looks like in His kingdom. I'll never be that stupid. That shallow. I know better." And I've worked hard to maintain that mindset. I've often been full of pride over my resistance to the world's standards & to my continued commitment to ministry. And then, everything changed....

I don't know how it started. I don't know how I got so sucked in. I don't know how it happened so fast. But it did. And here I am. Climbing out of a pit & working hard to stay out. In case you haven't noticed, I've had a pretty crazy change of lifestyle lately. I eat well. I exercise. I've lost 60 pounds. I've become a Zumba instructor. And that's where the problem is. I got hooked on Zumba & it's been wonderful for my health. And becoming an instructor is literally a life-long dream come true. And I've been very involved in the Zumba world. I attend, teach, or practice Zumba on a daily basis. Before long, I started to see other Zumba people at the gym 7 days a week. More than church family. More than anyone. And then I dove into this world if instructing. Before a few weeks had even passed I was obsessed. Every thought, picture, conversation, status update, & profile was about Zumba. Was about becoming an instructor. I love being a part of the ZIN. It feels like a secret world. And I love talking about it & showing it off to friends & family. I've always struggled with feeling like I don't have a lot to show. And this makes me feel like I'm something. Like I finally have something about me that can be admired. Envied. Liked. For once I have a status I can take pride in. And then a few weeks ago I began looking around me. I began paying attention to other instructors I know. I started to notice things. They all have lost more weight than me. They all have found more work than me. Many are better teachers & dancers than I am. They are all better known and more sought out than I am. This upset me very much. Once again, I felt, for the millionth time in my life, that I'm not good at anything & I have failed at being the success I want to be.

Last week I went to a big Zumba event in SF. I saw some of Zumba's biggest names in person. The creator himself & all the ZESs. (Zumba Educational Specialists.) That day, the feeling of inadequacy overwhelmed me. I felt that compared to everyone there, I sucked. And there in the middle of a huge day and a huge crowd, with my group of friends who don't walk with the Lord, I cried out to Him. I asked Him to give me relief. And out of nowhere I saw it. I saw that all these amazing, ripped, beautiful, successful, sought-after instructors spent every waking moment, every thought, every day, living for that success. Every bite they eat, every activity. That's the only way to become that successful. To have it BECOME your life. And I saw in a Flash that this is what my life has become. I live for Zumba. How ugly! How selfish! How dreadfully horrid. How in the world did I get so wrapped up In this? I realize that I have wrapped my identity, my status, how I feel about myself, and even who I am up in the Zumba world. For months it's been all that's mattered to me. I've measured who I am and how good I am by my success in this industry. And I get depressed and angry and bitter when others succeed in finding more work and recognition that I do. Not only is this awfully ugly, but the truth is that I have begun to idolize this. I don't look any different that a normal American. I'm striving for success in a field of my Choosing. But, it's a dangerous road.

I have committed to a Healthier lifestyle. I have dedicated 2011 to finishing my weight loss. And i will still teach and love Zumba. But it hit me today that in order to get back to being just me, just a redeemed girl who's daily falling more head-over-heals in love with Jesus, I need to give up any hope of being the best. Of losing as much weight as everyone else. Of being the most successful instructor out there. I won't. It's not going to happen. I will always be less successful that most of them, because being involved in ministries will take time away from dancing. But that's okay. I need to learn to be just me again. My identity needs to be found in Jesus and Jesus alone. I need to daily lay the rest at His feet. All that should matter is whether my heart is in tune with His today. I need to learn to get back to that. See this whole world and all in it as temporary. Refuse to be "of" it. This is hard. And painful. And will require much stripping of layers. It's gonna take everything in me to get it. And it's going to be an on-going battle. But thank God He's given me all of His power to accomplish this. He is so good. All the time.

Bunny trail.

Exhaustion.
From what?
Responsibility. 
Work. 
Influence. 
Ministry. 
Constant manipulation of how others see us.
(Or so we think.) 
Our culture's standards. 
The busy-ness we're told is normal.
That weird loneliness that comes with being so busy.
Walls.  
So many walls. 
Why is it so hard to break them?
Aren't they like glass anyway-
More fragile than we may think.
More see-through than we know.
But we think we know what we want. 
And where does that lead us? 
To the Romans 6-7 thing. 
Being exactly what we DON'T want. 
Before long........
Exhaustion. 
A cycle. A trap. 
Jesus. A king. A Kingdom. 
Our Kingdom. Oh, yeah. That. 
Yes. THAT.
Why am I not looking different from my co-worker who doesn't believe God even exists? Why am I  living as every other person on this planet?
Focus. 
Jesus. A King. 
Live like it. 
Authority to shut up demons. 
Trample snakes & scorpions.
Bring healing & redemption wherever I step foot.
Change the world. 
Rein alongside my King for reals. 
Jesus told me I could. 
I haven't gotten that down yet. 
Why on earth not.....
Walls. 
So many walls. 
Let them shatter.
Loudly. 

This one's big.

This one is hitting so hard I can't even write without bawling. Ready for an amazing thought?....
Guess what? It's okay to struggle & wrestle with God over issues, over our circumstances. Over our life. Not only is it OKAY, but God WANTS us to wrestle the thing out. Think about it. Wrestling with someone is actually pretty intimate. In order to get down & wrestle well, you've got to get right up in the other person's face. At least when we choose the wrestle something out with God we're face to face with Him, locking eyes and keeping our focus & gaze on His every move. 

We can learn some important things from Jacob. He's famous for wrestling with God. They were raw, honest, and face to face. I believe God wants us to learn from Jacob's encounter that if and when we DO wrestle things out with God, we need to continue wrestling and refuse to give up until God gives us a blessing. He promises if we see the issue through, He WILL bless us. He WANTS to bless us. 

How tenacious are we in the spirit? Have we let go to a sense of nothing-ness, or hopelessness? If we have let go, we need to go hang back on again. If we gave up hope, go back to where we set it down. God is still right there, where we left Him. Struggle the whole thing through. Don't let go of God! The blessing IS coming.  When we wrestle ALL THE WAY through the thang, we become re-defined! Anybody else need this today?

I do. I need to wrestle out the deep issues. I may have been firmly grabbed and lifted from massive pits and curses to be redeemed, healed, chosen, and a breaker of chains and sin. But there are still issues I struggle with. Issues deeper & crazier that I may ever show signs of dealing with. And I NEED to know that God is going to bless me if I continue wrestling them out face to face with Him. When He wins, when He kicks butt on my behalf (not "if", but "WHEN"), that means I win. Automatically. Instantly. Victoriously. And permanently. Amen!!! Whew. Let the sweaty, tear-stained mat hold up a while longer while I ask the Spirit for a second wind to begin another round. And another. And another..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhUOZGkWC1k&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Lessons from Abraham.

Honestly, sometimes I have a difficult time with the story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac. It can appear on the surface that God was simply being cruel. However, upon close inspection, we can learn quite a bit about what God thinks of US from this event. I really had my world shaken up today by listening to Beth explain things in a new light. I thought I'd paraphrase & share. Hopefully somebody out there runs across this and is as blown away as I am. I really needed this today.....

  For starters, God never intended Abraham to actually kill his son. In the first verse of this passage, it says, "and God TESTED Abraham." Well, that's good to know. Thing is, Abraham didn't know this was only a test. Likewise, when we go through a tough time, God doesn't always broadcast to us that this is a test. But it certainly may be! And another thing....each person has their own test. Thankfully, God works uniquely in each life & we don't have to (or get to) go through other people's testing. We have our name and our name only on ours. ("And God said, "Abraham, I want u to.....")

Here's the cool part for me. Ready for this?....God already knows the outcome of our testing & trials. He doesn't give them to us in order to find out what'll happen or how we'll handle it. Crazy, huh? You know that age old question about why God allows bad things to happen to amazing people? Here's an answer that'll blow your mind....Perhaps it's to show us what we have in us. What we're made of. Those things that we're always so afraid of going through, or handling, we swear that if they ever happen we'll just destruct? Sometimes He may allow those very things to happen to prove to US that we're so much stronger, tougher, capable, & more beautiful than we know or believe. He's saying "You keep shrinking back from that. Child, don't you know what you can do and handle if you just trust me?"  I never thought of tests or hard times as God proving something to ME. Something about myself.  That's pretty incredible. That really blows my mind. That helps. That makes the intensely difficult situation bearable. That gives me hope. That tells me it's a test. And tests do eventually end. And I'll have learned a whole lot about myself from it. If I buckle down and Believe Him, the things that are possible are endless! This speaking to anybody? Because I think I just got me a word. And it just made my world so much better! 

Fear again.

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. And I've come to the conclusion that it is the number one thing the enemy is attempting to breed throughout this Earth. Why, you say? Oh, I'm so glad you asked!......
Okay. So I believe that fear, or anger for that matter, (anger=the emotional outburst of fear) is quite possibly one of the most controlling and paralyzingly experiences known to man. Think about it. I know that fear has been a prevalent problem in my life. I've lived with it in almost every area for almost all my years. Only recently am I beginning to find the beginnings of victory. I'm cultured. I'm educated. Im deep. I'm trained in people skills & functioning under stressful conditions. I know how to handle much. However, when fear enters the picture I'm a completely different person. I become non-functional. Frozen emotionally and sometimes mentally. It prevents me from experiencing life. And God. I have begun to see how fear itself is quite certainly the emotional display of un-belief. And THAT, my friend, is a dangerous position to be in. I've been trying to catch each experience of fear as it tries to wash over me in tidal waves over the last year or so. And I've been attempting to examine each experience & why & how it's upon me. The thread tying them all together?.... It's simple. The enemy trying to prevent me from being all that God gives me the potential to be. Period. Fear is his largest weapon in his battles against me. He wants me to see it coming & become frozen in my assurance that things are not going to go right. He uses this tactic with all of us. Trying to appear huge, scary, powerful. We buy it every time. I know we do. If we didn't, we'd be living completely different lives. We'd look completely different. A person who believes God completely & takes Him at His Word doesn't look like the rest of this world. They walk with confidence. They are assured of His love & their place in His kingdom. They know how much power & authority they have. (Matt.10:1, Mark 6:7, Luke 4:6, Luke 10:19, Col.2:10) they use it. They are bold. They are changing the world. This is what I'm wrestling with. So I'll shoot it out there for you, too. What am I afraid of? In what area am I not taking God at His word? Why don't I believe Him when He says I can move mountains & trample snakes & cast out demons? Why do such things seem big and scary to me, anyway? Because I allow distraction from truth. I choose to believe something other than God's Word. Let's begin living in faith. Let's shake up this world. I'm going back to the basics. I'm choosing to recite these things every morning. I'm going to watch it change me.....
1.God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's word is Alive and active in ME
IM BELIEVING GOD