Thursday, January 7, 2010

Breaking Free 1.2

Okay. One week into this. Already my world is being shaken. I'm surprised. And at the same time, surprised at BEING surprised. Oh, the insanity!

In addition to-or maybe alongside-Breaking Free, I have seen the LORD weaving a theme into my life that I never dreamed would pop up. Isn't that just like Him? I love that He enjoys pulling out a great serendipity and shocking us in the most pleasant way. (Okay. I confess. I secretly just wanted to use that word!) Usually, I tend to deal with deep spiritual issues and truths. In school I was majoring is Speech and Psychology. So, I'm always looking deep into the well of the human being. Imagine my surprise, then, when I realized this week the theme that has been working and weaving it's way around down deep and just began surfacing this last week. The theme of........physical health. *Gasp* WHAT?! Yep. That's right. At first I couldn't believe The Lord was putting a non-spiritual issue before me. And almost as soon as I began to think along the lines of this surprise, He lovingly slapped me up-side the head and showed me very clearly that a.)EVERYTHING is spiritual, and b.)Physical health is ALWAYS a spiritual issue. Just usually not extremely obvious.

I've been diving into what my being overweight ACTUALLY means. There is a list developing that is longer that I would've ever imagined. And since my whole desire with this blog is to hopefully encourage someone out there, I get the lovely opportunity of being open and raw. So, well, here's a few:
1.I love to use food as a comfort to regulate myself. I CHOOSE to let food control me and comfort me rather than the LORD.
2.I don't love myself. I don't think my body is worth taking care of.
3.As much as I HATE being fat, I probably love to hate that. The hate of it is a bastardized version of self-worship. It's this weird, ugly, twisted thing.
4.I've never had brothers. I was never taught anything about guys. I'm uncomfortably around them. I don't get them at all. So, I probably use weight to keep them away. My sub-conscious probably thinks if I'm ugly, they will stay away and I don't have to worry about the scariness and heartache. Yeah. And I've spent the last 8+ years alone, lonely, isolated, being the bridesmaid, watching friends get married and move, desperately wanting companionship and love and marriage and children and........Well, it's definitely not working out for me at all. NOT SMART!

So, the journey has begun. The journey of freedom to be the real me. This year, I will lose 50 pounds. I've cleaned out my system, and am enjoying a wonderful healthy diet, and am exercising daily. I love doing Zumba twice a week. And I refuse to admit that I love what I do the other 4 days. Maybe if he just wore shorter shorts...........

No comments: