When I was little I remember hearing a few talks & sermons about success. About men often giving up their families & ministry time to work more. To climb the corporate ladder. To be more successful. Even at a young age, this was one issue I really thought about & understood. And I remember thinking to myself, "people who do this are just stupid. I know better. I know success is relative. I know this world thinks u need to get far with labels, but God has a whole different system for success & what it looks like in His kingdom. I'll never be that stupid. That shallow. I know better." And I've worked hard to maintain that mindset. I've often been full of pride over my resistance to the world's standards & to my continued commitment to ministry. And then, everything changed....
I don't know how it started. I don't know how I got so sucked in. I don't know how it happened so fast. But it did. And here I am. Climbing out of a pit & working hard to stay out. In case you haven't noticed, I've had a pretty crazy change of lifestyle lately. I eat well. I exercise. I've lost 60 pounds. I've become a Zumba instructor. And that's where the problem is. I got hooked on Zumba & it's been wonderful for my health. And becoming an instructor is literally a life-long dream come true. And I've been very involved in the Zumba world. I attend, teach, or practice Zumba on a daily basis. Before long, I started to see other Zumba people at the gym 7 days a week. More than church family. More than anyone. And then I dove into this world if instructing. Before a few weeks had even passed I was obsessed. Every thought, picture, conversation, status update, & profile was about Zumba. Was about becoming an instructor. I love being a part of the ZIN. It feels like a secret world. And I love talking about it & showing it off to friends & family. I've always struggled with feeling like I don't have a lot to show. And this makes me feel like I'm something. Like I finally have something about me that can be admired. Envied. Liked. For once I have a status I can take pride in. And then a few weeks ago I began looking around me. I began paying attention to other instructors I know. I started to notice things. They all have lost more weight than me. They all have found more work than me. Many are better teachers & dancers than I am. They are all better known and more sought out than I am. This upset me very much. Once again, I felt, for the millionth time in my life, that I'm not good at anything & I have failed at being the success I want to be.
Last week I went to a big Zumba event in SF. I saw some of Zumba's biggest names in person. The creator himself & all the ZESs. (Zumba Educational Specialists.) That day, the feeling of inadequacy overwhelmed me. I felt that compared to everyone there, I sucked. And there in the middle of a huge day and a huge crowd, with my group of friends who don't walk with the Lord, I cried out to Him. I asked Him to give me relief. And out of nowhere I saw it. I saw that all these amazing, ripped, beautiful, successful, sought-after instructors spent every waking moment, every thought, every day, living for that success. Every bite they eat, every activity. That's the only way to become that successful. To have it BECOME your life. And I saw in a Flash that this is what my life has become. I live for Zumba. How ugly! How selfish! How dreadfully horrid. How in the world did I get so wrapped up In this? I realize that I have wrapped my identity, my status, how I feel about myself, and even who I am up in the Zumba world. For months it's been all that's mattered to me. I've measured who I am and how good I am by my success in this industry. And I get depressed and angry and bitter when others succeed in finding more work and recognition that I do. Not only is this awfully ugly, but the truth is that I have begun to idolize this. I don't look any different that a normal American. I'm striving for success in a field of my Choosing. But, it's a dangerous road.
I have committed to a Healthier lifestyle. I have dedicated 2011 to finishing my weight loss. And i will still teach and love Zumba. But it hit me today that in order to get back to being just me, just a redeemed girl who's daily falling more head-over-heals in love with Jesus, I need to give up any hope of being the best. Of losing as much weight as everyone else. Of being the most successful instructor out there. I won't. It's not going to happen. I will always be less successful that most of them, because being involved in ministries will take time away from dancing. But that's okay. I need to learn to be just me again. My identity needs to be found in Jesus and Jesus alone. I need to daily lay the rest at His feet. All that should matter is whether my heart is in tune with His today. I need to learn to get back to that. See this whole world and all in it as temporary. Refuse to be "of" it. This is hard. And painful. And will require much stripping of layers. It's gonna take everything in me to get it. And it's going to be an on-going battle. But thank God He's given me all of His power to accomplish this. He is so good. All the time.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Bunny trail.
Exhaustion.
From what?
Responsibility.
Work.
Influence.
Ministry.
Constant manipulation of how others see us.
(Or so we think.)
Our culture's standards.
The busy-ness we're told is normal.
That weird loneliness that comes with being so busy.
Walls.
So many walls.
Why is it so hard to break them?
Aren't they like glass anyway-
More fragile than we may think.
More see-through than we know.
But we think we know what we want.
And where does that lead us?
To the Romans 6-7 thing.
Being exactly what we DON'T want.
Before long........
Exhaustion.
A cycle. A trap.
Jesus. A king. A Kingdom.
Our Kingdom. Oh, yeah. That.
Yes. THAT.
Why am I not looking different from my co-worker who doesn't believe God even exists? Why am I living as every other person on this planet?
Focus.
Jesus. A King.
Live like it.
Authority to shut up demons.
Trample snakes & scorpions.
Bring healing & redemption wherever I step foot.
Change the world.
Rein alongside my King for reals.
Jesus told me I could.
I haven't gotten that down yet.
Why on earth not.....
Walls.
So many walls.
Let them shatter.
Loudly.
From what?
Responsibility.
Work.
Influence.
Ministry.
Constant manipulation of how others see us.
(Or so we think.)
Our culture's standards.
The busy-ness we're told is normal.
That weird loneliness that comes with being so busy.
Walls.
So many walls.
Why is it so hard to break them?
Aren't they like glass anyway-
More fragile than we may think.
More see-through than we know.
But we think we know what we want.
And where does that lead us?
To the Romans 6-7 thing.
Being exactly what we DON'T want.
Before long........
Exhaustion.
A cycle. A trap.
Jesus. A king. A Kingdom.
Our Kingdom. Oh, yeah. That.
Yes. THAT.
Why am I not looking different from my co-worker who doesn't believe God even exists? Why am I living as every other person on this planet?
Focus.
Jesus. A King.
Live like it.
Authority to shut up demons.
Trample snakes & scorpions.
Bring healing & redemption wherever I step foot.
Change the world.
Rein alongside my King for reals.
Jesus told me I could.
I haven't gotten that down yet.
Why on earth not.....
Walls.
So many walls.
Let them shatter.
Loudly.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
This one's big.
This one is hitting so hard I can't even write without bawling. Ready for an amazing thought?....
Guess what? It's okay to struggle & wrestle with God over issues, over our circumstances. Over our life. Not only is it OKAY, but God WANTS us to wrestle the thing out. Think about it. Wrestling with someone is actually pretty intimate. In order to get down & wrestle well, you've got to get right up in the other person's face. At least when we choose the wrestle something out with God we're face to face with Him, locking eyes and keeping our focus & gaze on His every move.
We can learn some important things from Jacob. He's famous for wrestling with God. They were raw, honest, and face to face. I believe God wants us to learn from Jacob's encounter that if and when we DO wrestle things out with God, we need to continue wrestling and refuse to give up until God gives us a blessing. He promises if we see the issue through, He WILL bless us. He WANTS to bless us.
How tenacious are we in the spirit? Have we let go to a sense of nothing-ness, or hopelessness? If we have let go, we need to go hang back on again. If we gave up hope, go back to where we set it down. God is still right there, where we left Him. Struggle the whole thing through. Don't let go of God! The blessing IS coming. When we wrestle ALL THE WAY through the thang, we become re-defined! Anybody else need this today?
I do. I need to wrestle out the deep issues. I may have been firmly grabbed and lifted from massive pits and curses to be redeemed, healed, chosen, and a breaker of chains and sin. But there are still issues I struggle with. Issues deeper & crazier that I may ever show signs of dealing with. And I NEED to know that God is going to bless me if I continue wrestling them out face to face with Him. When He wins, when He kicks butt on my behalf (not "if", but "WHEN"), that means I win. Automatically. Instantly. Victoriously. And permanently. Amen!!! Whew. Let the sweaty, tear-stained mat hold up a while longer while I ask the Spirit for a second wind to begin another round. And another. And another..............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhUOZGkWC1k&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Guess what? It's okay to struggle & wrestle with God over issues, over our circumstances. Over our life. Not only is it OKAY, but God WANTS us to wrestle the thing out. Think about it. Wrestling with someone is actually pretty intimate. In order to get down & wrestle well, you've got to get right up in the other person's face. At least when we choose the wrestle something out with God we're face to face with Him, locking eyes and keeping our focus & gaze on His every move.
We can learn some important things from Jacob. He's famous for wrestling with God. They were raw, honest, and face to face. I believe God wants us to learn from Jacob's encounter that if and when we DO wrestle things out with God, we need to continue wrestling and refuse to give up until God gives us a blessing. He promises if we see the issue through, He WILL bless us. He WANTS to bless us.
How tenacious are we in the spirit? Have we let go to a sense of nothing-ness, or hopelessness? If we have let go, we need to go hang back on again. If we gave up hope, go back to where we set it down. God is still right there, where we left Him. Struggle the whole thing through. Don't let go of God! The blessing IS coming. When we wrestle ALL THE WAY through the thang, we become re-defined! Anybody else need this today?
I do. I need to wrestle out the deep issues. I may have been firmly grabbed and lifted from massive pits and curses to be redeemed, healed, chosen, and a breaker of chains and sin. But there are still issues I struggle with. Issues deeper & crazier that I may ever show signs of dealing with. And I NEED to know that God is going to bless me if I continue wrestling them out face to face with Him. When He wins, when He kicks butt on my behalf (not "if", but "WHEN"), that means I win. Automatically. Instantly. Victoriously. And permanently. Amen!!! Whew. Let the sweaty, tear-stained mat hold up a while longer while I ask the Spirit for a second wind to begin another round. And another. And another..............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhUOZGkWC1k&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Lessons from Abraham.
Honestly, sometimes I have a difficult time with the story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac. It can appear on the surface that God was simply being cruel. However, upon close inspection, we can learn quite a bit about what God thinks of US from this event. I really had my world shaken up today by listening to Beth explain things in a new light. I thought I'd paraphrase & share. Hopefully somebody out there runs across this and is as blown away as I am. I really needed this today.....
For starters, God never intended Abraham to actually kill his son. In the first verse of this passage, it says, "and God TESTED Abraham." Well, that's good to know. Thing is, Abraham didn't know this was only a test. Likewise, when we go through a tough time, God doesn't always broadcast to us that this is a test. But it certainly may be! And another thing....each person has their own test. Thankfully, God works uniquely in each life & we don't have to (or get to) go through other people's testing. We have our name and our name only on ours. ("And God said, "Abraham, I want u to.....")
Here's the cool part for me. Ready for this?....God already knows the outcome of our testing & trials. He doesn't give them to us in order to find out what'll happen or how we'll handle it. Crazy, huh? You know that age old question about why God allows bad things to happen to amazing people? Here's an answer that'll blow your mind....Perhaps it's to show us what we have in us. What we're made of. Those things that we're always so afraid of going through, or handling, we swear that if they ever happen we'll just destruct? Sometimes He may allow those very things to happen to prove to US that we're so much stronger, tougher, capable, & more beautiful than we know or believe. He's saying "You keep shrinking back from that. Child, don't you know what you can do and handle if you just trust me?" I never thought of tests or hard times as God proving something to ME. Something about myself. That's pretty incredible. That really blows my mind. That helps. That makes the intensely difficult situation bearable. That gives me hope. That tells me it's a test. And tests do eventually end. And I'll have learned a whole lot about myself from it. If I buckle down and Believe Him, the things that are possible are endless! This speaking to anybody? Because I think I just got me a word. And it just made my world so much better!
For starters, God never intended Abraham to actually kill his son. In the first verse of this passage, it says, "and God TESTED Abraham." Well, that's good to know. Thing is, Abraham didn't know this was only a test. Likewise, when we go through a tough time, God doesn't always broadcast to us that this is a test. But it certainly may be! And another thing....each person has their own test. Thankfully, God works uniquely in each life & we don't have to (or get to) go through other people's testing. We have our name and our name only on ours. ("And God said, "Abraham, I want u to.....")
Here's the cool part for me. Ready for this?....God already knows the outcome of our testing & trials. He doesn't give them to us in order to find out what'll happen or how we'll handle it. Crazy, huh? You know that age old question about why God allows bad things to happen to amazing people? Here's an answer that'll blow your mind....Perhaps it's to show us what we have in us. What we're made of. Those things that we're always so afraid of going through, or handling, we swear that if they ever happen we'll just destruct? Sometimes He may allow those very things to happen to prove to US that we're so much stronger, tougher, capable, & more beautiful than we know or believe. He's saying "You keep shrinking back from that. Child, don't you know what you can do and handle if you just trust me?" I never thought of tests or hard times as God proving something to ME. Something about myself. That's pretty incredible. That really blows my mind. That helps. That makes the intensely difficult situation bearable. That gives me hope. That tells me it's a test. And tests do eventually end. And I'll have learned a whole lot about myself from it. If I buckle down and Believe Him, the things that are possible are endless! This speaking to anybody? Because I think I just got me a word. And it just made my world so much better!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Fear again.
I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. And I've come to the conclusion that it is the number one thing the enemy is attempting to breed throughout this Earth. Why, you say? Oh, I'm so glad you asked!......
Okay. So I believe that fear, or anger for that matter, (anger=the emotional outburst of fear) is quite possibly one of the most controlling and paralyzingly experiences known to man. Think about it. I know that fear has been a prevalent problem in my life. I've lived with it in almost every area for almost all my years. Only recently am I beginning to find the beginnings of victory. I'm cultured. I'm educated. Im deep. I'm trained in people skills & functioning under stressful conditions. I know how to handle much. However, when fear enters the picture I'm a completely different person. I become non-functional. Frozen emotionally and sometimes mentally. It prevents me from experiencing life. And God. I have begun to see how fear itself is quite certainly the emotional display of un-belief. And THAT, my friend, is a dangerous position to be in. I've been trying to catch each experience of fear as it tries to wash over me in tidal waves over the last year or so. And I've been attempting to examine each experience & why & how it's upon me. The thread tying them all together?.... It's simple. The enemy trying to prevent me from being all that God gives me the potential to be. Period. Fear is his largest weapon in his battles against me. He wants me to see it coming & become frozen in my assurance that things are not going to go right. He uses this tactic with all of us. Trying to appear huge, scary, powerful. We buy it every time. I know we do. If we didn't, we'd be living completely different lives. We'd look completely different. A person who believes God completely & takes Him at His Word doesn't look like the rest of this world. They walk with confidence. They are assured of His love & their place in His kingdom. They know how much power & authority they have. (Matt.10:1, Mark 6:7, Luke 4:6, Luke 10:19, Col.2:10) they use it. They are bold. They are changing the world. This is what I'm wrestling with. So I'll shoot it out there for you, too. What am I afraid of? In what area am I not taking God at His word? Why don't I believe Him when He says I can move mountains & trample snakes & cast out demons? Why do such things seem big and scary to me, anyway? Because I allow distraction from truth. I choose to believe something other than God's Word. Let's begin living in faith. Let's shake up this world. I'm going back to the basics. I'm choosing to recite these things every morning. I'm going to watch it change me.....
1.God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's word is Alive and active in ME
IM BELIEVING GOD
Okay. So I believe that fear, or anger for that matter, (anger=the emotional outburst of fear) is quite possibly one of the most controlling and paralyzingly experiences known to man. Think about it. I know that fear has been a prevalent problem in my life. I've lived with it in almost every area for almost all my years. Only recently am I beginning to find the beginnings of victory. I'm cultured. I'm educated. Im deep. I'm trained in people skills & functioning under stressful conditions. I know how to handle much. However, when fear enters the picture I'm a completely different person. I become non-functional. Frozen emotionally and sometimes mentally. It prevents me from experiencing life. And God. I have begun to see how fear itself is quite certainly the emotional display of un-belief. And THAT, my friend, is a dangerous position to be in. I've been trying to catch each experience of fear as it tries to wash over me in tidal waves over the last year or so. And I've been attempting to examine each experience & why & how it's upon me. The thread tying them all together?.... It's simple. The enemy trying to prevent me from being all that God gives me the potential to be. Period. Fear is his largest weapon in his battles against me. He wants me to see it coming & become frozen in my assurance that things are not going to go right. He uses this tactic with all of us. Trying to appear huge, scary, powerful. We buy it every time. I know we do. If we didn't, we'd be living completely different lives. We'd look completely different. A person who believes God completely & takes Him at His Word doesn't look like the rest of this world. They walk with confidence. They are assured of His love & their place in His kingdom. They know how much power & authority they have. (Matt.10:1, Mark 6:7, Luke 4:6, Luke 10:19, Col.2:10) they use it. They are bold. They are changing the world. This is what I'm wrestling with. So I'll shoot it out there for you, too. What am I afraid of? In what area am I not taking God at His word? Why don't I believe Him when He says I can move mountains & trample snakes & cast out demons? Why do such things seem big and scary to me, anyway? Because I allow distraction from truth. I choose to believe something other than God's Word. Let's begin living in faith. Let's shake up this world. I'm going back to the basics. I'm choosing to recite these things every morning. I'm going to watch it change me.....
1.God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's word is Alive and active in ME
IM BELIEVING GOD
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Fear
Okay. This is a very nutshell version of the theme that the Lord has seemed to be hounding me with nowadays. This is something Miss Beth taught on & her voice making these points is just not leaving my head. And since im bored & kinda lonely right now, I'm gonna scribble it down here. I hope this is some good to someone out there. I'm so thankful that It's her voice with His truth in my head lately rather than the condeming one that used to be. Praise Him for redemption from the pit!!!!!!..............
It will never be a lack of talent, ability, or the such that will keep us from living n our promised land & being effective.
It will be FEAR. Always fear.
(An emotional ourburst of unbelief. )
We allow fear to keep us from doing exactly what we know we should.
This is ridiculous, because God says to us "I have given u this land, now go stand on it!" Fear doesn't get to be a factor n my life.
(I have to be more afraid of missing God in a situation than of what is before me to do. ) I need to look at each situation and pull the fear out.
(am I refraining only because of fear?
If so, I don't have any choice but to act anyway.
Fear is not a good enough excuse. )
AREAS OF FEAR:
1.) the past (rooted in)
(Isaiah 43:18-19):
We're projecting an old fear on a new day!
(Joshua 3:3-4):
My temptation is to project an old fear on a new PLACE.
I need to just go there!!!! (physically. Literally!)
2). Fear of saying "yes"!
I'm afraid to get out there & learn in front of others,
To make mistakes and not be perfect at first. To look weak.
(2 Timothy 1:6-7)
Let's not allow fear to have any place in our hearts and minds! Be different!!
It will never be a lack of talent, ability, or the such that will keep us from living n our promised land & being effective.
It will be FEAR. Always fear.
(An emotional ourburst of unbelief. )
We allow fear to keep us from doing exactly what we know we should.
This is ridiculous, because God says to us "I have given u this land, now go stand on it!" Fear doesn't get to be a factor n my life.
(I have to be more afraid of missing God in a situation than of what is before me to do. ) I need to look at each situation and pull the fear out.
(am I refraining only because of fear?
If so, I don't have any choice but to act anyway.
Fear is not a good enough excuse. )
AREAS OF FEAR:
1.) the past (rooted in)
(Isaiah 43:18-19):
We're projecting an old fear on a new day!
(Joshua 3:3-4):
My temptation is to project an old fear on a new PLACE.
I need to just go there!!!! (physically. Literally!)
2). Fear of saying "yes"!
I'm afraid to get out there & learn in front of others,
To make mistakes and not be perfect at first. To look weak.
(2 Timothy 1:6-7)
Let's not allow fear to have any place in our hearts and minds! Be different!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Arise!
You tell me I'm crazy. You think it's naive and ridiculous to believe in an invisible God. And you say that if God DOES exist, you hate and want nothing to do with Him because He would be a judgmental and hateful being who wants to suck the fun out of your life and demand that you do, do, do. And if you don't do, you don't get. You don't like the idea of giving control to another being and believing them for everything. You're convinced you have no need for God and He's just an idea used as a crutch. If there IS a Heaven and Hell, you're sure your good will outweigh your bad and you'll be okay. But what if you're wrong?!?!
You used to believe in God. You attended my church. You were even more involved in youth group than I was. You were a leader for the rest of us. An example. You were bright and your life LOOKED so good and happy and it shone with a uniqueness in this world. But not anymore. I ran across your facebook today. Your info was all about how much success you've achieved. It had tons of foul language and clearly said "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!" You obviously spend hours at the gym. You look perfect.......and perfectly miserable. You aren't shining in your pictures. Your eyes have lost that sparkle I once saw every day. You dress in a way that tells me your concern is attention alone. You party. Like....All the time. What happened to you? What happened to that girl I once knew?
You are a member of my church. You attend every Sunday. You sit in the front row. You have a church bumper sticker on the back of your car. You've served in ministries here for years. I know you well. You are looked up to by a lot of people in our congregation. You lead. You direct. You even memorize verses. You're one of those who's always in the know..........
And you live in deceit.
You have a very nice job. You own a medium-sized home. And 2 cars. You spend each Christmas at a ski resort for your family vacation. But, hey. You throw at least a $20 in the plate each week. You give to our special projects and when you have a bonus come in at work. So you're doing great. You love God. You really do! And you pray for those who don't. Pray for a miracle. But you do it out of duty, because come on, God doesn't do all those amazing things He used to. Not anymore. You have a plan and back-up in case things ever get rough. You know how you'd take care of your bills and family. You say your goal is to love God. By the things you're doing at church, you're sure you're giving enough of yourself to serve Him and make Him pleased. You're impacting somebody, somewhere. Or ARE you?
Whoever you are, know this. God is so very real. He knit you together with His very hands. He is crazily, insanely in love with you! Yes, YOU! He longs to take whatever life you've had and create the most beautiful thing out of it's ashes! He is still the God of the Bible, performing miracles every single day! He can do ANYTHING and in Him SO. CAN. YOU!!! Arise. Seek Him. And be transformed. Be different. Be filled with the authority of His Sprit. Walk in it. Trample your enemy under your foot. Succeed. Hold your head high. Be the change. Relish life in Jesus!!!!!!!!
You used to believe in God. You attended my church. You were even more involved in youth group than I was. You were a leader for the rest of us. An example. You were bright and your life LOOKED so good and happy and it shone with a uniqueness in this world. But not anymore. I ran across your facebook today. Your info was all about how much success you've achieved. It had tons of foul language and clearly said "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!" You obviously spend hours at the gym. You look perfect.......and perfectly miserable. You aren't shining in your pictures. Your eyes have lost that sparkle I once saw every day. You dress in a way that tells me your concern is attention alone. You party. Like....All the time. What happened to you? What happened to that girl I once knew?
You are a member of my church. You attend every Sunday. You sit in the front row. You have a church bumper sticker on the back of your car. You've served in ministries here for years. I know you well. You are looked up to by a lot of people in our congregation. You lead. You direct. You even memorize verses. You're one of those who's always in the know..........
And you live in deceit.
You have a very nice job. You own a medium-sized home. And 2 cars. You spend each Christmas at a ski resort for your family vacation. But, hey. You throw at least a $20 in the plate each week. You give to our special projects and when you have a bonus come in at work. So you're doing great. You love God. You really do! And you pray for those who don't. Pray for a miracle. But you do it out of duty, because come on, God doesn't do all those amazing things He used to. Not anymore. You have a plan and back-up in case things ever get rough. You know how you'd take care of your bills and family. You say your goal is to love God. By the things you're doing at church, you're sure you're giving enough of yourself to serve Him and make Him pleased. You're impacting somebody, somewhere. Or ARE you?
Whoever you are, know this. God is so very real. He knit you together with His very hands. He is crazily, insanely in love with you! Yes, YOU! He longs to take whatever life you've had and create the most beautiful thing out of it's ashes! He is still the God of the Bible, performing miracles every single day! He can do ANYTHING and in Him SO. CAN. YOU!!! Arise. Seek Him. And be transformed. Be different. Be filled with the authority of His Sprit. Walk in it. Trample your enemy under your foot. Succeed. Hold your head high. Be the change. Relish life in Jesus!!!!!!!!
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