Creekwater

Today I'm sitting under my waterfall.

 I'm remembering sitting in this very spot the moment I realized there was way more to Jesus than I'd thought. That day I made a decision to learn Him. Love Him. Have an intimacy with Him. And years later, it was again sitting right here that I opened my very first book  by & began an incredible journey with Miss Beth & my life began to drastically swirl around me. Many moments have happened here. And again I sit. 

It's beautiful. It's quiet. It's completely peaceful. And my ears begin to focus in on the sound of the creek at my feet. The water rushing over the rocks and around the corner, off into an unknown place. I stop and think about how like this creek Jesus is. I picture the continual sound of the water as His voice-never stops. Yet it never gets old, annoying, hard to listen to. It's a calm, strong, steady sound that's full of peace & has a refreshing ring to it. You can rest to that sound. Play next to & in that sound. Be renewed, strengthened, refreshed, lulled to sleep with that sound. Somehow even when you walk away from it, you know it's not any more quiet. You know it keeps on. 

And then I see something else in this water.

I see the strong, constant current. I see the way nothing stops it. It jut flows over anything in it's path. You can't control where it's going. And if you jump in, it sweeps you away and takes you on a bumpy but beautiful ride. It's gloriously powerful in a way that draws an almost fearful respect. You know you can't win if you try to mess with it.........

 So why do I? Why do I chose to stand on the shore & just watch the power of the water flow? Why do I decide jumping all the way in & being swept away is too much for me? Why do I have to have so much control over where I'm being swept off to? 

Sometimes you have to fight against all your tendencies & fears & do what you know is the best choice. Jump in. Trust the current. It's wild & unpredictable. And that's GOOD.

Suitcases

Jesus woke me up early this morning. I grumbled. I wanted to sleep more, because I've been doing very little of that lately. We compromised finally. I settled on asking Him what it was He wanted to say but refusing to budge in bed. 

I had a flash back of years ago, when I was in High school. I remembered one time when Rick (he used to be my high school pastor) walked down the aisle to speak like he did each week. Except for one thing- he was juggling a large amount of suitcases. Some he carried. Some were chained to him & the way in which he walked gave you the feeling that he had gotten so used to living with the bulk & weight of them attached that he didn't even remember they existed. He didn't offer an explanation. He just let the image sink in. Then he began his talk as usual. Towards the end, it began to tie into his message. If each suitcase were an issue we've had and have, some which we've shoved aside for so long that we've forgotten they exist, we would get so weighed down. Maybe without even realizing it. Maybe with all these suitcases building up, we'd begin juggling them all without really thinking about it & suddenly that would take over & we'd be doing more juggling than anything else.
And just maybe when Jesus calls us very specifically to run-either to Him, or to a new place & season- we'd find we've been so weighed down by the accumulation of suitcases that we can't. And we continue to remain weighed down & chained because we know freedom would Involve unpacking the dirty laundry we've shoved away before others. We don't like the possibility of being that open & raw. But is it worth where we're at? 

I don't want that to be me. Jesus, help me to see all I need to put down, let go of, unpack, and empty out so that I can freely run like crazy when you call me to!  

The wildest ride in the wilderness.

I have a weakness for tv shows. One of my favorite things in the whole world is finding a show that's been on for a few seasons and is on DVD or netflix. I love watching it for hours on end on a day off. Yesterday & today with the exception of one Zumba class & short shift @ Curves,  I confined myself to my house for recovery & rest after several hellish weeks which resulted in a horrible cold that is not leaving. I have started & become completely engrossed in Friday Night Lights. 

This afternoon I turned it off for a few hours and just silently hung out with Jesus. I was thinking about how there's just nothing quite like watching a show for the first time, from the beginning. There's just something about getting to know the setting well, meeting the characters, falling in love with them, riding the drama like it's really happening. It's like taking off on a new huge adventure. 

Jesus spoke into that today.
"Hey, what was that thing we talked about earlier this week? What was it you've been saying & writing?"
"U mean the part about living with authority & power? Being able to move a mountain, heal disease, cast out demons & all that?" 
"Yes. All that. Sounds pretty wild & adventurous to me. Even better than the adventures you see on T.V. And being a part? that's what you were created for."
"So, all these shows. All this attachment to them. It's the great adventure I'm liking. Because I'm built to want that."
"Exactly."
"Yeah. But if we're built for that, how come so many Believers don't live that way?"
"Do you want to look like all the other believers you know? Is that what you desire for your life?"
"No, Sir."
"Child, I'll take you places you never dreamed. You want adventure? I am the biggest adventure you'll EVER experience. I'm wild and not tame, but I'm always good. Hop on. It's gonna be the wildest ride of your life."

I don't have the foggiest idea where we're going. And despite what culture & well-meaning people say about that, it's okay not to know. But I know one thing's for sure. It's gonna be better than any tv show!

Blue ribbons.

 So in the old testament, priests were commanded to go through an intense purification and then sanctification before they could come before the Lord on behalf of the people & receive a word & power. Recently, I've been learning that WE are now the priests. Scary! 

While learning about this I was prompted & pushed by the Spirit to give up any last consistent sin i've been clinging to so tightly. I desperately desire more intimacy, boldness, power, & authority in Him & knew deep down that being under the umbrella of the Spirit was only going to happen if I rein myself humbly under His control & the strictness of obedience & consistent humility before others. The priests used to wear a blue tassel on their robes to remind them of the strictness they were now under, and the new, pure, holy being they have become. So, I decided to do the same. Beth has u do this during Believing God, & I thought it'd be a good idea. So I put a blue ribbon on my right arm to remind me. And I worked hard and intensely at defeating the enemy. And I'm excited to say that one month later, I'm still sanctified. 

The cool part is that tonight-one month to the day-I was given a chance to minister to several people in ways I believe to be powerful & effective. I sensed the Spirit's leading and words. I got to experience what it's like to be under the Spirit's umbrella of blessing. And I love it!!!!!

God tells us in His flawless word that we can have the power to stop a tree from moving. Make a mountain shift out of our path. Heal disease. Kick demonic butt. And I want that to be me. I want to be that dynamic & powerful & effective. And I'm so excited to see what He does with me!

Sweet Conversations: 2nd round

Even after God answers one of my deepest desires, I still fight against Him. I pretend I don't sense the tugging in my spirit. I act as if I don't know He's commanding specific rawness & vulnerability from me. I begin to dodge topics & questions that may lead to a need for me to share the most secret of places. I should know better. Oh, you can try to fight it, but when your Daddy's the King, you either obey what He commands or become miserable with the consequences.

"Lord, I don't know if I'm ready for this much. Obeying you might just be too scary. Being truly me here just may be too much."

"You don't get it. I'm giving you what you desired for so long.
Now do what I've asked."

"But..."

"DO IT."

Deep sigh. A shutter of apprehension in my breath. A little shakily at first, but with increased peace, I respond to the question with utter honesty. I'm freaked out, but I remember Beth talking on more than one occasion about knowing God is requiring obedience of her and having to say "Yes, sir", and just going out on stage and doing the thang, shaky knees and all. When you obey, He makes your knees stop shaking eventually. So I backspace the clever and funny response I've so carefully crafted in hopes of making myself appear cute and funny and smart and darling. And I simply respond to the question. Purely organically. Raw. And for the first time in my life, completely honestly. And before I have a chance to fight Him again, I quickly finish and hit "send."

Peace. A twinge of joy over the fact that I was just obedient in the hardest of areas. Nevermind the response. I did it. And when the response comes back, it's more than I could hope for. Complete and total acceptance and understanding. Suddenly the smile is back on my face again. And this time, He speaks not in a whisper but a huge, loud, deafening roar like Aslan himself making it known to every creature and tree in Narnia that this is His baby girl and she just did something huge and because of that He is rewarding her. And He's proud. Warrior Princess gets another part of her redeemed and stands a bit taller and a bit stronger than before. Hear me shout, Narnia. Hear me shout.

Sweet conversations.

"UGH!" I screamed and cried bitterly as loud as I could. "I'm done! Finished with this. You hear that!?!?" I stopped to cough because I was yelling so loud it hurt my throat. I took another deep shaky breath- the kind of breath you take when you've bawled your eyes out for hours and your whole body shutters just to breathe. "I've been asking and asking and working for years to find this. Why wouldn't you want it? That's it. I give up. Completely. Totally. G-I-V-E U-P. Forget it." I secretly believed He didn't care enough about my need, and possibly me, to meet it. I was hurt. Confused. Not understanding why it was so difficult for the King of the Universe to provide for this particular need. It seemed like something that would be no big deal to Him. But no matter how I asked or how I sought an answer out, after several years the answer stayed the same: silence. So I made a decision to give up.

Then, a few weeks later, from the least expected place, BAM!!! It was just there this morning. Handed to me. I could hardly believe He was answering what I'd completely given up on. I didn't know how to respond except to sing praises.

And in one small quiet moment, I heard Him whisper, "Darling, go ahead. Ask." I blushed as I realized afresh how well He knows my most intimate thoughts & emotions. And I did ask the question that had been sitting on my mind all day: "Why did you wait until I gave up on it (and on you) before answering?" and I heard Him answer just as clear as anything, "Darling, because I wanted to show you that I haven't given up on it long after you have, and I will NEVER give up on you."

Bows and arrows

In my reading today, I came across a verse in Lamentations that really got my mind reeling. Chapter 3:12: "God took careful aim & shot his arrows straight through my heart."
To be perfectly honest, this is a pretty accurate description of how I've been feeling lately. Now don't get me wrong, I am definitely very much continuing to fall in love with Jesus every day. However, I am in a season of really tough stuff. I've got several painful issues I'm dealing with, several jobs, consistent shortage of finances, the difficulty of being single & alone, etc..........and sometimes it honestly feels as if God is trying to shoot me in the heart with an arrow. I don't get it. I don't understand what He's up to. And I'm okay with that. 
This whole bow and arrow thing really got me thinking about something that Miss Beth has talked about before. I had forgotten. And perhaps not quite understood yet. But I think I'm beginning to get it now. Ready for this?.......
This is hard to swallow. But sometimes God DOES aim arrows straight at our heart. Sometimes He really IS trying to wound us. Crazy to think about, huh? There are times I can totally understand the reasons behind it. We've grown cold & callous in some area. We've put up walls and tried to keep others or Him out. We need to learn some sort if lesson.........
Then there are times it doesn't totally make sense and the best we can do I sorta guess why & simply believe Him. That hurts. That's hard. That's very difficult to wrap the mind around. That's where I am. I don't get a lot of what's happening right now. It confuses me and tries to overwhelm me. But I DO get that He is doing an incredible wk in me. I DO get that He tells me He has my best interests at heart. I DO get that all the painful experiences I have help me to understand and have compassion for and help others when they start to deal with similar issues. And that has to be enough for now. Let this be an encouragement for you. Don't be afraid to put down your shield and let Him shoot u straight in the heart. When it hits, He'll catch u. It's kind of like breaking a bone and going to the doctor to get it fixed. He'll have to re-set or break it even more to pop it into the proper place for healing to begin. He has to hurt u more before u can get better. I don't totally get it. But I get that He does!