Even after God answers one of my deepest desires, I still fight against Him. I pretend I don't sense the tugging in my spirit. I act as if I don't know He's commanding specific rawness & vulnerability from me. I begin to dodge topics & questions that may lead to a need for me to share the most secret of places. I should know better. Oh, you can try to fight it, but when your Daddy's the King, you either obey what He commands or become miserable with the consequences.
"Lord, I don't know if I'm ready for this much. Obeying you might just be too scary. Being truly me here just may be too much."
"You don't get it. I'm giving you what you desired for so long.
Now do what I've asked."
Deep sigh. A shutter of apprehension in my breath. A little shakily at first, but with increased peace, I respond to the question with utter honesty. I'm freaked out, but I remember Beth talking on more than one occasion about knowing God is requiring obedience of her and having to say "Yes, sir", and just going out on stage and doing the thang, shaky knees and all. When you obey, He makes your knees stop shaking eventually. So I backspace the clever and funny response I've so carefully crafted in hopes of making myself appear cute and funny and smart and darling. And I simply respond to the question. Purely organically. Raw. And for the first time in my life, completely honestly. And before I have a chance to fight Him again, I quickly finish and hit "send."
Peace. A twinge of joy over the fact that I was just obedient in the hardest of areas. Nevermind the response. I did it. And when the response comes back, it's more than I could hope for. Complete and total acceptance and understanding. Suddenly the smile is back on my face again. And this time, He speaks not in a whisper but a huge, loud, deafening roar like Aslan himself making it known to every creature and tree in Narnia that this is His baby girl and she just did something huge and because of that He is rewarding her. And He's proud. Warrior Princess gets another part of her redeemed and stands a bit taller and a bit stronger than before. Hear me shout, Narnia. Hear me shout.