Thursday, August 14, 2014

Silver Linings.

Without beating around the bush, I'm just going to come out a say it. I deal with significant loneliness and deep heartbreak off and on. While I don't doubt in God's perfect plan for me, being a nomadic bohemian woman in her 30s and never having really even dated is not what a lot of my friends and acquaintances picture it to be as their minds paint a life of unusual glamour.  It actually can be severely painful and strangely isolating. Even when I'm at home, somehow it always feels like being a fish out of water. Now, I'm not saying this to be depressing or claim I go through things nobody else could possibly understand, blah, blah, blah........if you've read my recent series of shorts you'll see I am keenly aware of the fact that I am not alone in all this. (And the irony that I am saying that when speaking about loneliness is not lost on me either.) 
In fact, quite the opposite is true. Whether you are a globetrotter or a beautiful mother who rarely leaves her town and kid's schedules, we all struggle with these things and almost all of us have a strange sense of shame over speaking up about it. 

I was ranting this morning. I often wake up way earlier than I'd like because my mind clicks on and I begin obsessing and psycho-analyzing everything. (I can't help it. I was actually only a few classes away from a Psych degree before quitting college. Yeah. I'm deep, guys. Now give me some Disney!) I was telling God this morning that I really hate it when entering a season of specifically feeling like you are invisible. Of questioning whether you really even matter to the people in your life. Of seeing their newsfeeds and wondering whether they ever wish you were in that picture with them. (Yeah, it's lame. But we've ALL been there-fess up! Social Media is such a double edged sword. Great for communication. Horrid about making us insecure.) 
And I was kind of knocked breathless by what happened. 

He gave me a picture in my head. An imaginary scenario. In it, I was working for Him. He was my boss. We were at the office. He had handed me a certain job to manage. It was perfectly tailored to my gifting and talents. I loved it! There was beautiful chaos at work. People and noise everywhere, getting things done. It was a delight. 

One day, I arrived at work. Nobody else was there. The hallways were dark, quiet, and eery. I began wondering if I missed something. If everybody was off doing something I wasn't let in on. I tried to call some of my friends. No answer. I texted. Nothing.  I began feeling hurt. As if nobody cared about this work set before me. As if nobody wanted to hear, see, know, be a part of this thing that was extremely important to my life. This thing I felt my identity was kind of wrapped in. I got angry. I yelled. "Lord! Nobody cares! Nobody's around. This hurts. A LOT. I expected more from people. I expected to matter more.  And not one person shows up to work with me! I want who I am and what I do to mean something!" And you know what happened? Jesus quietly and gently sat down across from me. He listened completely. And He didn't say anything for a minute. Then, He leaned across the table, took my hand, and said "My Darling. I gave you charge over this task. You love what you do. And you love everyone buzzing around. But I told everyone not to come into work today.  Because I long for you to learn that waiting on and looking to those around you will not fulfill anything.  They are empty and human and looking to be filled too. They do not have the answers. They don't know anymore about what you're doing than you do. They don't really have anything to offer. You need to see me and me alone. I have every drop of whatever you need. And by not allowing others to be here right now, I get to have you all to myself. I get to renew you. Fill you. Love you. Be overjoyed by you. You are too special for me not to get you to myself for a season.  Can you be okay with this? Can you stop fearing? Can you believe that I am enough? Trust me. I have more for you than anybody else ever will." 

Well, that's one way to look at a season of loneliness! 
He's wild. 

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