Friday, March 7, 2014

More lent.

On Ash Wednesday I decided to attempt giving up insecurity for lent. I always have to make things difficult, don't I? Meat or sugar would have been a much easier route. Within 24 hours of asking to see where I am attached to my insecurity, a whole mountain of things popped up. The largest being my weight.

I've been struggling with my weight. And until Wednesday, I didn't realize just how much I've allowed my security to rest on a size. I've been more withdrawn and less confident in general because I'm embarrassed about it. When I taught my Zumba class last night, I noticed 2 ladies in the corner giggling and whispering during every song. They had done this on Monday, and I had picked up on the fact that they were making fun of a rather large lady and her dancing. I had found this rude, because I was just excited that the lady was coming to my class and taking charge of her health. But last night, the lady wasn't there and I became increasingly assured that these ladies were making fun of ME. Of what I don't know. But I was sure it was my thighs or my butt or any number of things that were probably bouncing around as I was leading the class. And I became intensely insecure. So much so that I had a very rough time finishing the hour. 

Then I got home and realized I've been feeling alarmingly insecure in all of my relationships in Houston. I began making a list and the level with which I realized I'm experiencing this is way deeper than I'd really noticed before.  This is a problem. Insecurity is an ugly ugly thing, isn't it? And I'm beginning to think it's infiltrated our culture so heavily and is so absolutely normal that to spot it and call it out would mean calling out just about every little thing around us to the extent of looking crazy. And that's why we don't. Because if we get even an inkling of this, we realize how far we'd have to go. And we're not sure we're ready for that.  But we need to be, or we become products of our environment when there is so much more available to us....

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom of our God!"

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