It's almost 4:00am. My eyes and mind are more awake than a cat coming alive for his nightly prowl because my body doesn't seem to remember that I'm not still in Africa. There is much that swirls and floats and comes alive in my head tonight.
I'm thinking about my baby sister getting married in two weeks.
I'm trying to picture what it would be like to finally study dance, one of my soul's deepest longings. Will i ever be able to enjoy the love & freedom that moving in that way allows? My mind calculates and guesses & buzzes as it contemplates if I will ever be able to afford lessons.
I'm choreographing a new Zumba routine in my mind. Thank you, Ladysmith Black Mambazo for the inspiration. Africa, I love your music more than any in the world.
I'm shedding some tears & wishing with a sore heart that my dear friend who's so special to me wasn't half a world away & that I could hear her voice more often. I'm beyond thankful to be someone's Squirt.
I'm thinking about being single. About being one of the only single people in any of the circles I hang out in. I'm considering the age I'm about to be and how I never talk about how painful the singleness is when surrounded by couples. And how it often leaves you isolated by accident and default. The sting is deep. However, I have to say that there's one thing my Siesta Mama Beth has taught me in the last years. One thing to rule everything. I can state in hope and wonder and trust and faith that The King must have an incredible ministry planned for anyone in order to allow them to walk in painful or difficult seasons. He never wastes anything. NEVER. That's a promise. If you don't know it, I'm telling you now. You'd better learn it. If you don't believe it, start. It's always about Believing God. Always.
I laugh at the fact that I don't know what the heck I'm doing with my life. I don't even know what I'm really good at. I have such talented friends that I always feel I stink at everything I try. I have things I'm struggling with. And I do need help sometimes. But I'm horrible at asking for help when I feel like nobody needs mine. Hmmmm. Anyone else out there? I know I'm not the only one. Yep. I'm kinda a mess sometimes. Okay. A lot of the time. Surprise! (Although you shouldn't be.)
The last thing going through my jet-lagged mind is that part of The Magicians Nephew where Jill is thirsty and needs water, but Aslan is standing by the pool. She asks Him to leave and He refuses, reminding her that if she doesn't drink, she'll die. She asks Him if He promises not to harm or eat her, and he says He can't promise. Jill learns that He's not safe, but He's good. And BAM. There's my Jesus.