I've been wrestling a lot with Jesus. Sometimes I really struggle with the "why". In a lot of things. You know what I mean? I think we all do.
Lately, I have such a difficult time with why I have to constantly be up and down with health issues. It's like the moment I began eating right and exercising almost 2 years ago,it's been one thing after another.Go figure. There are probably several reasons for this. Attack against my commitment to the Lord is definitely a biggie. I believe that once I got healthy mentally, the enemy went to the physical because he knew he couldn't touch my head anymore. Lately I've found myself really wrestling with why my prayers aren't being answered. I even caught myself in the middle of a conversation with Jesus the other day in which I was saying, "I know I'm praying the right things. I'm praying your promises that you've already given! Why isn't this working? I know it's an attack and you WANT me to get healthy. To be in missions. So why not heal me? What am I missing here!?" It took a few days. And then suddenly, it hit me.
Pride. Plain and simple. Pride. I HATE being weak. I HATE asking for help. I HATE being the one needing. I delight in being Miss strong. Miss hardcore. Miss encourager and cheerleader. Powerhouse. That's the one term I have always secretly desired to be known as. When people think of me I want that image to come to mind. Like an elite gymnast or dancer. Focused. Beautiful. Strong. Yeah. Right......
I am discovering fully for maybe the first time through scripture and reminders from great teachers just how important it is to be humbly, honestly, and vulnerably weak. It may not be really fun to be honest. It makes me feel like I'm too much and not enough all at once. But I keep seeing lately reminders everywhere that when you are weak, that's when you're strong. I think it may be very possible that the Lord is calling me to be so open so that I can fully experience the Body of Christ working in the way it should. Maybe He wants my health and movement into full-time missions to be something that the CHURCH experiences and does, rather than just something I go do. Maybe this is a project and way for all of us to see Him at work and experience miracles like
never before. I'm not sure I completely understand this yet. But I can at least try to live it and hope the understanding comes.......
So, the truth. I am EXHASUTED. I feel physically weak all the time. I am scared. I am covered in hives and not sure the steroids are working. My entire body including the inside of my mouth itches BAD. I have an ear infection.I just feel.....off. I don't have energy to go to the gym at all. I'm freaking out about that because I usually go 6 days a week. I feel incredibly fat and freaked out about my weight. I'm sort of a mess. Strangely, I've been feeling very isolated and alone. And now I'm feeling naked for bluntly sharing all of this online. I could use some serious prayer warriors. I feel like God's calling me to ask for this big time for at least these next two weeks. This is very humbling for me. But here I am. Who wants to be praying and seeking with me for major things here? Who wants to join me in believe and asking for miracles and healing and wisdom with where to live and what to do? I need to body. The Church is my family. You're it.
I have hope. I know who God is. I know who I am. I know it ends beautifully. It's just the valleys that get hard while you're getting there.
"God delights to increase the faith of His children. We ought, instead of wanting no trials before victory, no exercise for patience, to be willing to take them from God's hands as a means. Trials, obstacles, difficulties and sometimes defeats, are the very food of faith." George Meuller