Wednesday, December 28, 2011

There was once a crazy year (2)

For the first part of the year, I was just frustrated and wondering what the heck was going on. I was overwhelmed, overworked, and dry as a bone. Then this summer I went to a Beth Moore conference and it ended up being a crazy weekend unlike I expected. Part of that weekend involved hanging out with Beth for a bit and her saying something to me that was undeniably and completely of Jesus and meant to grab my attention so hard that the wind got knocked out of me. That moment I heard God say, "This is it, Baby Girl. You've come completely through and are on the other side. You've arrived. You're free. Healed. It's time to begin something new and huge." This was overwhelming because of the way it all hit me. He did it big. I mean, coming from the mouth of Beth herself was HUGE because the day I saw the extent of my unhealthy state and desired to get out of those pits 5 years ago was the first day I ever heard her speak. I began thinking and processing and then I was hit with health issues. An interesting thing happened when I was weak and not able to be as active. I lost a lot of "friends". It's funny who shows up or supports you when you're just too weak to handle life. And it's heartbreaking and shocking to see who doesn't. Sometimes I think we in the church get so focused on whatever "our" ministry is, that we become blinded to the way others around us in the body need our support. I did a lot of resting which left me alone a lot. Which made me wrestle like crazy with Jesus over everything. Over my life and what it is and where it's going. It changes everything when you spend most of your time with only Him. I had to face all kinds of things I had been avoiding. One day it hit me that I'd been hanging out all day every day with the most powerful King in the universe and He was crazy about me. (Have you had the blessing of this eerie, awesome experience yourself? If not, I ask you to. Don't miss out on Him!) And after months and months of wrestling things out with Him, I accepted what He was saying to me. He was telling me and showing me what I've been wired for. Groomed for. Brought up to do. I'd known it somewhere deep down for a long time. I just avoided facing it and the hard parts I knew would come with that.  But I've finally made a firm decision.