Well, this is most definitely NOT the kind of update I expected to be writing. Sometimes you don't realize how invincible you really think you are until it hits an extreme point. Of course, part of that is because everyone and their mother likes to say "Eh. You're young. You can do it all. You shouldn't be tired!" I heard it from a customer for the millionth time yesterday and actually shuttered. It's beginning to make me angry to hear that. It's a lie.
I am at a place of exhaustion and desperation. I was supposed to have a bunch of tests run this week to find out what's wrong with me. The night before the tests I woke up with such severe pain that I ended up reading my Bible while curled in a ball on the living room floor. When I went to the doctor the next day she acted as if I was blowing things out of proportion. I explained to her that I've had many operations in my lifetime, I have a high pain tolerance, and was not making things up. She treated me as if I was being too sensitive to the medicine she'd given me. And actually said my list of symptoms may be "me", and not the medicine. She said they're indicative of clinical depression. I was in shock. Except for some periods of spiritual depression-NOT clinical-I am a flipping ray of sunshine, okay? I'm NOT Eyore! You're pumping my body with hormones and telling me my side effects aren't the meds?!
She then proceeded to tell me she didn't need to run the tests on me. Then why did she tell me two weeks ago to take the pill, to stop the bleeding, to come in, to have these tests run? She just wants to keep me on the pill for a few months. All she's saying is "we need to stop that bleeding." Well, you're not. And how about finding out WHY it's happening?!?! And then she listened to my heart and informed me that I have a pretty large murmur. Something no one has discovered before. Now I get to spend several days next week at cardiology. And when I asked her how we're going to find an answer to the original reason I came in, she just said it's hormone changes or stress. But the last time I checked, everyone deals with both of those things and does NOT have this reaction. Especially when they're getting healthy and losing a significant amount of weight.
It doesn't add up. I left the office with more questions than I came in with and an added health concern and appointments with an added specialist. She's just shoving hormones at me that aren't working. It's a band-aid being slapped on a symptom rather than finding a cause for the problem. Since that appointment on Wednesday, I've been in continual high amounts of pain and am seeing a whole lot of other problems come back or continue. The pill isn't working. At all. Everything's actually getting worse by the day. When you are feeling increasingly bad physically, it's very hard to have to energy and brains enough to figure out what to do and who to talk to and all that. Despite my age, I feel so young to be handling all these things on my own. It's scary. I'm terrified. I'm at a loss for wisdom.
The good news? The silver lining in all this?........I learned two years ago a truth that I KNOW was given to me for this moment in time. Ready? It's simple:
He KNOWS it's scary to be us.
He gets it.
Thank you, Jesus.