Monday, October 31, 2011

Update # 1: Health

So I've written and re-written updates for several weeks. And haven't posted one. It's very hard for me to talk about this. It's personal. It makes me look weak. I like appearing strong. But I think now-as I'm forced to sit in the waiting room yet again-would be a good time to go into it. I am only hurting myself by not allowing the church the opportunity to act like it. 

Basically, I have been severely bleeding for about 7 months now. At first, it was no big deal. But bleeding consistently without ceasing while working and teaching Zumba on a daily basis catches up with anyone after a while. My anemia is out of control. (you can't get on top of it when you just keep bleeding.) I'm fatigued beyond belief. My emotions and even personality are altered. Several months ago I stopped teaching so many classes at night. Something that was very difficult for me to do. But my body forced me to. Through the pulling back of teaching, I realized how tied to it I have become. How much it's become my identity. It's very painful not to be instructing every night. I've gained a few pounds back. And I'm STILL struggling with the fact that I am not able to have the prestige of instructing in labeling who I am. But it's good. Jesus has been teaching me how important it is to find my identity in Him and Him alone. Two weeks ago I jumped up front of an extremely crowded class with my friend Melissa as she taught and got all puffed up about being "back in the game." That moment that attitude began consuming me, I tweaked my knee and it's still hurting. As I cried over it that night, The Lord gently reminded me that while He doesn't enjoy seeing me be hurt, He'll allow it if it will keep me humbled. So here I am. 

I'm currently enduring an extremely high amount of hormones being pumped into my body every day and this week am going through a series of tests to figure out why my body is mis-behaving. Let me tell you, it hasn't been pretty. I am so not myself at ALL lately. I feel as if I'm one big emotional mass of everything all heaped on the floor. Because my emotions are a mess and my body needs an intense and extreme amount of rest and unique treatment, I've shut out the world a lot. And I've been lectured about it. I've been told I need to be more social. I'm too isolated. Things like that. The truth is, I need more friends, but friends that are understanding. Gentle. That will be willing to sit quietly or pray over my body when I suddenly get dripping hot flashes out of nowhere because of the pills. 

 By the end of this week, I should know what's wrong with me. That's the doctor's goal and hope. They're only speculating right now. The "c" word has been thrown out there but we don't know yet. If you read this and you're willing to be a prayer warrior on my body's and Spirit's behalf, I would be extremely thankful. That's what I need. Thanks for reading. Thanks for supporting. 
Jesus rules completely and totally. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that EVERYTHING is always purposed for something bigger later. Nothing is EVER wasted in the Kingdom world. EVER. 


Anonymous said...

Praying for you <3

Rachel Frase said...

Praying for you girl! I am glad you are seeing the doctor about it. I know you like to 'go go go', but it's good to rest and let your mind and body recuperate. Make sure you get some quiet time - no music, nothing! Stare at the ceiling if you have to, let your mind go - that's when your brain can make it's new connections, which helps you organize your thoughts (advice my mom gave me when I moved and started my new job). Remember the Lord is always with you - my church is going through a study right now that suggests saying outloud "The Lord is in this place" wherever you are - it works!

Annie said...

Praying!!! KAWP! Rest in the shadow of the wings of the Almighty. Let Him carry you through this mess...