Going mad.

Sometimes something hurts so bad it makes you feel as if there just is no possibility of moving on. Ever. At all. The world suddenly becomes quiet and it would almost appear that it has collectively as a whole turned it's back on you. And the only thing that seems would make sense in that moment is for everything to cease. I feel that way a lot, about a lot lately. Lots of painful happenings seem to be occurring. Deep things. I can't stop them, and that's half my problem. The other half is being so hurt I can barely function and at the same time knowing the important thing is not circumstances, but my reaction to them. Hard.

I long to be severely and intimately connected with Jesus and filled so continuously and fully by the Spirit that I know what He's thinking and feeling about everything. Every time. I don't even WANT my own self and opinions to be. They're lame anyway and won't be missed one little bit. Man. I'm learning that it's going to take a lot of work to get there. I need to give up any dream containing material gain. Instead I want to help the broken and wounded. Take in the shattered and hurting. Love the failures and the losers. Invest myself into the dropouts. The ones most everyone avoids. I want and need to teach. To bring healing. To be the hands and feet of Jesus in so many ways. I realize with increasing intensity that I am never going to fit in and be normal. There's something about my me-ness that WILL make many others in the church un-comfortable. And right now I don't feel I can handle my calling. I'm not feeling very princess-y. I feel like the only 27 year old girl who doesn't know what it's like to have a prince. I FEEL like the task before me is too much. I FEEL that too much of me is still too broken for all of this. I FEEL that all I can do is lay in bed at night and cry out "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus." I FEEL there is no other answer and way for anything. And besides, I FEEL calmer when I call that name with that power in it all night. I FEEL that I have such crazy ideas of how I want to live and what I want to do with my kids and husband someday. If I listed them YOU'D feel like I was crazy. I think I am. I think I've gone bonkers. But I know a secret. All the best people are. :•}