I've written and re-written this post more times than I can count now. Every time I try to put my jumble of emotions into eloquent enough wording, I just start getting overwhelmed and frustrated and cry. I want to say it all crisp and clean and precise and organised. The thing is, it's hard to do that when you aren't any of those things on the inside at the moment. So I won't say it all nice and pressed. I will say this through the tears that are already flowing.
I have this continual health problem. It's been off and on for several years. And when it's "on" it's debilitating. I mean, it absolutely takes over and dictates life. It's extremely inconvenient. The pain in excruciating. And everything in my body is affected by it.
After countless doctor appointments and the debt it's caused, after no help from any of them, after getting on medicine before I left for SA, I am finding it to be worse than it's been in years. I gave up last week. I found myself curled up in a ball sobbing with pain and the defeat of no answers and feeling so alone. Lost. Not knowing what in the world I can or should do about it. I began trying to calculate what I can do when I return home. How to come up with the money to get tests run. Pay for procedures that may need to happen, etc... and entertain the thoughts of worst-case scenarios. A hysterectomy now and no opportunity to have my own children someday. What a downer post, huh? Don't worry. This is about to look up. Keep reading.......
Several years ago I began a journey that radically changed my life. I began a Bible Study called Believing God. And it reached down into the marrow of my bones and became part of my DNA. Yesterday I began reading the actual book that it's based one. I hadn't read it before. In the book, there are some extremely good points about believing God for something big for a while but then becoming weary and giving up on, well, Him after a while. (I hate to say that but that's really what we're doing.) Resigning ourselves to misery and the hopeless thought that whatever miracle we need isn't important and going to happen. Which is so harmful because God delights in performing miracles for those who believe Him and continue to ask with expectancy.
Beth also made another good point. Perhaps He's just dying to use our situation to activate in a brand new way amongst a body of believers. We never know the many reasons for something taking place. There are so many possibilities. I know for a FACT that I do and will understand the weariness of chronic problems now and can encourage others with it. I also know that down the road, I will minister to others out of a season that is really testing and trying me in many ways. But I wonder.......could there be even more to this? Dare I let a spark of hope begin? What if.....hang with me, now, what if God has allowed all of this for years so that I will speak about it. So that others watch me go through it. So that when He DOES heal me, it's apparent to all in my life that He does indeed still perform the impossible miracles every single day? What if? He reminded me this morning that I am sitting here stressing about paying for tests and procedures when the one who literally formed my very body lives within me. And knew while He was creating me that this season would happen to this body. I spend all of my time thinking about what I need to do. How to get control of the situation. Maybe the best thing I can do is absolutely give up control and do NOTHING. Maybe, just maybe, He wants me to talk about it more. Be more vulnerable. More open. Maybe He wants everybody to ban together and expectantly ask God with belief and expectation for healing. Maybe the very hands that formed me want to be the ones to heal this. Maybe.
Am I opposed to doctors? If I was I wouldn't be in debt from them!
Would I rather see Him heal me NOW than going through tests in months when I get home? Duh. But more than that, I would love to see Him perform a straight-up miracle. Because I preach so much about big faith and believing God Is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do. But I lay on my bed and sob in hopelessness over my own body. It's time I begin practicing what I preach in my own life. It's time I return to Believing God. Will you join me? Will you pray for me-with only expectations that He can do what He says He can do? That He wants to heal me? And will you in turn let me pray with you? What miracles do you need? What have you become weary and given up on? What seems impossible? Let's Believe God again together.