Sunday, August 31, 2014

Sunday Stirrings.

Whenever there's a big move or change I get a bit emotional. I think it's because I'm naturally overly passionate. I end up super all-in with anything I sign up for.
That's not always a good thing. 
If I'm not careful to look out for it, I can end up captive to many issues:
The things I do being too much to me. Too important. Working overboard, too long, too worried about what my bosses think. Allowing what I do to become my identity. Being afraid to fail or not do things well.......... Dangerous water to tread. 

It's hard not to give in to these things right now. It's hard because I've never before been finished with a season in life and just hung out. Since I was 14, I had a job. Most of the time several at once. When I began thinking about staying around Houston a bit longer, I realized that meant I wouldn't really have a specific "title" to identify with. That's kind of a big deal. I didn't know how to handle that at first. Just being present and helping a ministry I believe in. Learning from them. Doing life in the trenches with them for a while. Being infused with the DNA of a group who live in the pit of an extreme battleground. And trusting that as this changes the very fiber of who I am and am becoming, there's a specific purpose for my future that doesn't rest on my figuring out a position or my provision. My position is now simply to be who he meant me to be. To fully know who that is and undauntedly stand in that authority. A loudmouth for change. A woman unashamed to be messy in my passion to see the Church rise up. And an advocate every day for those with no voice. A challenger of the normal. Walking through each day and doing this everywhere I step foot. That's all. The provision-where to live, income, etc..... He's got that. Some people are called to be the support and encouragement and "family" of those in the mud. The ones in the mud can't be there without them, right? Others know that their purpose is found in the thick of the sticky, deep, dirty places. Oh, why do I  have to be the one to tromp my pink cowgirl boots in the muck? I wouldn't have chosen this for myself. I was set on a career. I'm still in shock. But that's my purpose and I can't deny it. 

So much has happened within me this year that there is absolutely no going back now. I have to do this stuff with all of me and all my days. It would be easier if that weren't true. The reality is not easy to swallow. And I'm very scared. This unknown before me (and at my age!) tries to daunt and terrify me. Even tries to whisper daily that I'm a slob and a failure. But it won't win. Emotions can try all they want. They aren't my decision-maker and they aren't my dictator. (Remind me of this when I'm freaking out tomorrow for who knows what reason, okay? Thanks.) 

I'm beginning to process this last year and what I'm in the middle of now. It's still all a jumble and I'm a bit everywhere. I feel like I need some time to recover from the year but before I could consider it am dealing with some intense attack. People are broken and mean because of it. And the enemy is even meaner.
By the time I'm finished in Houston I'll need a secluded Island, endless PiraƱa Pools from Trader Sam's, (if you know what that is I will kiss you), and about a month of sleep, Disneyland, and counseling. It takes time. And time is okay despite what I feel or think. I may not know what's next. But I know this..........He doesn't call you somewhere and then fail to provide for it. And He doesn't put you in a place you aren't equipped to be. He promises that with Him, you can risk absolutely everything and He'll give you the wildest most perfectly fulfilling ride of your life. And I'm hanging onto those things with all I've got. 

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