Friday, October 4, 2013

Texas (Part 2)

I've talked for years about wanting to live in Texas. I have a thing about the south. So I'm okay with moving. With getting rid of many of my possessions and just going. With not having a car. With not knowing anybody there. It's a bit stretching, but I'm okay. The part I really struggle with is finances. You see, you have to raise support while you're an apprentice. You're living missionally. And THAT terrifies me. 

Since I was 14, I've worked. Always. I can't remember a time more than a few months long where I didn't have a job. I've worked too much and too hard if I'm just bluntly honest. I was taught the mentality of over-working being what there is to life and I still haven't fully unlearned it. (For the past 3 years, I've gotten up by 4:00am on a majority of my mornings. And I am WORN. Hey, I'm broken and Jesus is working on me, okay?)

The thought that I should raise $2500 in the next two weeks and around $900/month support for living and ministry expenses is mind-numbing. Like...I can't actually get my mind around it. Never have I lived life like this. Never. Moving everything I have alone to another part of the country on trust that God will prompt supporters for me to sustain?! So THIS is what it's like. I always wondered what my missionary friends felt. I don't know about them, but I've been breaking down all week. Fear is absolutely trying to paralyze me and take me over. I'm wrestling with God in a way I never have before. But here's two beautiful parts of that.....

1. I'm wrestling with God. Wrestling. Hmmm. Thinking about the act of wrestling. It's quite intimate, really. So maybe-just maybe-God is allowing me to go through this stage of wrestling because He wants intimacy with me. He wants to get all twisted and jumbled and close and personal. Hmmmm....

2. The Spirit prompted me the other day to remember being a younger child. When I was young, I didn't think about finances. That wasn't my concern. That was Daddy's job. I just hung out with him. Went where he went. Lived where he told me to. Rode along. Shopped when he shopped. Ate where he wanted to go eat. And it was my dad's job to take care of the money. Even to this day- I have never once doubted when he said he'd take care of it. And my father is just a guy. A flawed guy. So if I trust HIM so much, how much more can I trust that father GOD will provide?! It's not like He doesn't own it all, anyway! Yet here I am, worried and freaking out about providers. HE is the provider. HE has called me. I have to go hang out where he says. And trust he'll take care of the rest. I don't know about you, but I found that to be pretty cool! 

1 comment:

Debbie said...

Awesome, Elisabeth. Awesome, awesome.I will be praying for you as you navigate these waters. HE IS FAITHFUL!!!! I'm so glad you are going!