Sunday, July 17, 2011
I'm freaking out. Several days ago my parents told me they'll finally be putting the house on the market. I heard the words, but haven't believed the reality of it. It just didn't sink in. Maybe I haven't had time to think about it all the way. Today I came home from wk and everything was different. All my grandparents furniture was gone. And the empty rooms that I have set up to practice & learn Zumba in were fully furnished. Beds were in them with decor. Chairs, nightstands, and lamps were placed in these rooms for showmanship. Walking in the door from wk to see this makes my stomach churn and my mind and emotions overload into anxiety mode. My space, my comfort, my shelter, my place of doing what I'm passionate about are all taken over and I will be forced to leave it all soon for a tiny bedroom next to another tiny bedroom that is occupied by a very not-so-tiny personality. And let's not get into the difference between my parental units and I. To be respectful, I'll just say it isn't a healthy environment for me to live in. I'm sad. I don't like what's happening. I'm already being told that I need to find an apartment, roomates, something to be out on my own. That I really can't stay because it wouldn't force me to be independent and have to take care of myself. I was told I don't know how to do that. Why, then, do I feel that's exactly what I've had to do?! And how in the WORLD am I gonna live on my $8.65/hr income in a flipping apartment? I knew I was only surviving because my mom has kept my rent low these last 3 years. And I knew she'd eventually sell my house. So why do I feel so violated, intruded upon, hurt, alone, confused? And where do I go? What do I do? They want me out independently on my own. I've lived alone for 3 years. And I was running a coffeehouse and living in a house with roomates before THAT. I don't WANT independence. I want to belong. I want to NOT be alone anymore.