Bravery.

"You keep on using that word. I do not think that word means what you think it means"........

I'm learning a whole lot about bravery lately. I have a lot of psychology in my background. I understand it extremely well. There's a mindset I've been taught that it's good and healthy to face your weaknesses. To see the unhealthy flaws within you and deal with them. And certainly, at times it is. In fact, it's essential at SOME point to go through this. To maybe start seeing weaknesses in yourself that you usually don't. But, here's what I'm seeing lately. And for once, this is NOT based on psychology.....

When you experience that moment (or season) of sudden shock of self, of having blinders taken off & suddenly seeing flaws in yourself that you're convinced others must've been seeing for quite some time, it's extremely hard to pull out of it. The tendency is shame. Sorrow over ourselves. Maybe even a guilt. And a desire to hide from the world until you feel you've gotten it together enough to be in close relationship with people again without appearing raw. And we're often told that facing these moments and being in that spot is brave because it's hard and painful. But The King has been showing me a new way if looking at things lately. Here's a question for you. For me:

What if, when faced with this season or situation, rather than react as usual, we CHOOSE to look in the mirror and only see what HE does?

 The other day I was wallowing in a mild case of self-disgust over an unhealthy behavior I suddenly recognized in myself. As I put on my mascara that morning, I felt the voice of the Spirit say "look at yourself. I mean.....REALLY look. Who. Are. You?......." I smiled. I knew this! "I am who God says I Am." He asked, "and what's that?"  I smiled and again rattled off the answer. "Daughter of the King. Co-heir of Jesus Christ Himself. Resident of The Kingdom....." and suddenly, it hit me. In a flash I realized something. I had two options for that day:
A.) dwell on the unhealthiness I had just seen in myself, be embarrassed over my behavior, & hide out because I didn't want to face the world until I've processed, talked it out, exhausted the"root".
OR......
B.) know truth, hold my head up high, and live it. Simply. Powerfully. Effectively. With Authority. When you see the flaws but choose to function in who God sees you as and says you are in spite of them, it goes against the tendency to sit in the ugly. It takes more effort to believe how powerful & effective you are when you're looking at mistakes.  It takes an extreme amount of bravery to say "God. I've messed so much up. I AM so messed up. I don't have anything together. But I am yours. So here I go." And then go tromping off to heal disease, move mountains, cast out demons despite yourself. (You know we have that much authority, right?) Now THAT'S bravery. Hi. My name's Elisabeth. And I want to be brave. 

I dare you.

Here's a thought: Your weaknesses can actually end up being a beautiful thing. Ever think of that? Maybe by actually allowing our weaknesses to be known, we will allow the body of Christ to step up and function as the body of Christ SHOULD for once. I'd hope so, anyway. Aren't you tired of portraying yourself to be someone you're not? Of acting like you're so much more put together than you are? I am. So, so tired. And on top of that, I'm tired of anyone who's around me feeling like they have to seem okay if they're not. If you're a mess today, I want you to BE a mess today. Cry. Laugh. Scream. I don't care. But DON'T automatically tell me "Hey. I'm good. How're you?" when I ask. 

We're all human. We're all ugly. We're all screw-ups. Why can't we just be more honest about where we're at? Fake-ness and playing dress-up is not helping you. It's hurting you. And the truth is, being completely honest actually shows the cross to be even bigger and MORE beautiful. Our American way of living out Christianity is N-O-T what God's Word gives us for a guideline. It's just not. 

So, how're you REALLY doing? Can you be honest about it? 
How is Jesus in your way & face & teaching you and shaking you up lately? If He's not, guess who moved & stepped back? 

Be real. Be honest. Be all in. Make people uncomfortable and squirmy. Show them you can be messy, free, and in love with Jesus all at once. I dare you. Try it. Be completely raw. See what happens. 

Conferences, Car rentals, and Airport Starbucks

Introduction:
4.5 years ago, I attended my very first Beth Moore Conference. I was very taken with the humbleness in which she went before the Lord, and depended on & glorified Him alone in everything. She really spoke my language. She said things in a way that got to me. The first night, I wrote in my journal that I was really struck by the way in which she glowed. Radiated. Like a woman in love. It hit me. She was IN love with Jesus Christ and it radiate in her face. I wanted that so desperately. To be mad about Jesus like that. But, oh, how impossibly far that seemed! I was a hot mess. In the throws of lifelong bondage and deeply intrenched in many pits all at once. Getting free from everything was a haunting picture that seemed to live in the distant corners of my dreams alone. That night, I scribbled a prayer next to my notes from her talk. "Jesus, I want to be like that. I want to radiate and glow because I've fallen madly IN love with you. I want to walk confidently & loudly in freedom over every chain of addiction, destructive thought pattern, and generational curse. I want the impossible." 

Chapter 1:
August 26, 2011. Living Proof Live with Beth Moore. I travel several states away-alone-to attend a familiar conference that I've been to several times. I knew what to expect. Or so I thought......

I got a seat in the front row and the night was amazing. I can't even begin describing it to someone who wasn't there, but there was an insanely thick presence of the Holy Spirit that I hadn't experienced in that way before. And everybody else was experiencing it, too. The night was intensely amazing. 

I arrived at my hotel for check-in to be told my card has declined. I was in shock. I had deposited over $700 that morning into my account! I checked my bank app to find that Hertz had charged me $700 for a $19.99 car rental! There really wasn't much I could do. I was broke, alone, stranded, and quite hungry. I panicked. I flipped out. I was completely overwhelmed. I felt like a fool for going so far to attend a silly, normal conference that I've been to many times. I began mentally beating myself up. And a whole bunch of issues with being in a season of such isolation and lack of community and single came to the surface and I lost it.

You know when you sob so hard it shakes your whole body? I didn't know a person could cry that hard for that long. 

I dug up $2.00 in change from my purse and went to Denny's. I ordered a $2 breakfast and sat for a few hrs. Just dazed.  Overwhelmed. Then I tried sleeping in the car, but I was scared. It didn't work too well.  I went back into Dennys a little after 4:00 in the morning to wash up, change, and put my face on. The poor waitress must've wondered what the heck was going on. I  returned to the venue for day # 2 of the conference. 

Chapter 2:
I sat in my seat in the front row and pleaded with the Lord for a very specific word for me. I needed to know I had gone so far for a reason. During the morning session, Beth touched on the fact that EVERYTHING in our lives is with such purpose. Nothing at all is an accident or wasted. She shared some of her story, a very familiar topic to me. As she did, my mind drifted because I'd heard it a lot before. I began to think of where I've come from. The amazing number of pits and amount of bondage He's taken me out of, healed the effects of, and built beautiful ebeneezers from the ashes of. As I recalled a lot of the addiction, mental illness, etc..... I've come from and been completely freed of, I was absolutely floored by the vision of what He's done with me. In me. In spite of me. I realized the extent of His work. And right about then, out of nowhere, Beth walks over and stands directly in front of me, points at me, and declares, "YOU, sister. Every single thang you're dealing with at this very moment is with complete purpose. Do you believe that? Do you trust Him?" We locked eyes and I just began bawling. I nodded and whispered "yes" to her. She said, "I know." 

I needed that. I needed to know all I'm dealing with-from isolation & singleness to the drama of being stranded- is with intense purpose. 

After that session, I got taken backstage with a few other Siestas to get a picture and a hug. She asked my name and said "I KNEW that was my CA girl. You're almost too darling to stand. And I have to tell you, your face is radiating with Jesus today." I laughed and thought, "yeah. Radiating no shower!" Then, In an instant, I had a flash back to the very first conference I attended. To the journal entry I wrote that included a prayer of longing to be so in love with Jesus that I radiated. And how deep in bondage I was at the time. And I realized what-in this moment-through Beth-The Lord was speaking to me. (Because He knew it all started with Her studies and wanted to wrap it up with her personally speaking this over me). With the words she specifically used, He was saying: 

"Baby Girl, we've arrived." 

Maybe a lot of people won't understand it.
Maybe I'm sounding dramatic.
But coming from where I was, It's almost too much to bear. 

Chapter 3:
(Back at the airport).....
After getting everything straightened out with Hertz and money back, the first thing I did was find my gate and then a Starbucks. As I waited, my eyes welled up with tears again at the thought of everything that had happened in 2 days. I said to Jesus, "Man. I just feel like hugging someone who'd understand how big this weekend was." And I turned around and ran straight into Beth. Yep. A good choice of someone to hug who'd understand. And isn't it just like Jesus to do that? Does it get any better?
THE END

Epilogue:  
I am wrestling hard with what all this might mean. Since I'm completely free and healed and passionately in love, I am aware I'm called to something. Deep. Intense. Sacrificial. Unique. Mis-understood by this world. (And sadly, perhaps even a lot of believers out there.)  I know I'm only going to grow more abnormal from here. I'm going to make people uncomfortable. I'm going to have to get used to that. My feelings say that I need and want to figure out where I can go. What I can do. And perhaps that is the next step. Or perhaps I need to figure out how to successfully and completely live all this fully right here doing what I already do. I don't see that being a strong possibility. Starbucks forbids you to talk to each other or customers about your faith. It's making it hard to stay. To affect my co-workers. I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to be doing. So I will love Jesus. I will work on falling IN LOVE with Jesus & knowing Him more. I will work on loving those around me and those He's placed in my life madly to the best of my ability each day. Period. Everything else eventually fades. It's all crap that doesn't last. Love. Only love. Jesus.  Only Him. 

i'm just an ordinary person,
with so much resistance and so many hindrances.
i'm just a common average woman,
with an ugly past, that keeps tryin' to hold me back.
limitations all surround me
and this world thinks that it's drowning in hopelessness.

then i hear you call my name
out loud and i say yes!

just a moment for a lifetime.
for such a time as this, i say yes!
i've been chosen to arise,
for such a time as this, and i say yes!

alive awake alert, i know i don't deserve,
why i'm in this position,
but i'm here ready to serve.
willing to lose it all, i'm answering your call.
oh heart and soul please listen,

for the mandate must be heard.
your grace and favor crown me,
and i need your strength around me,
'cause i still fear how hard it might be.

and what's worth living for, if nothing is worth dying for?
i'm gonna make a stand, i'm gonna make an echo.
i'm gonna make some history, with his story!
writing the pages of today to read about tomorrows change,
'cause i know i was made, for such a time as this.

The Land

"A time will come when you will no longer call me the Living God who rescued Israel from Egypt. Instead, you will call me the living God who rescued you from the land and places where I had forced you to go. And you will once again live in your own land. " -Jeremiah 23

Sometimes God allows us to go to places that are not our land. Sometimes we spend years in slavery and it creates a question of why God allows such pain. Oftentimes the answer is that if we didn't experience crap, we wouldn't be able to help anyone else through thiers. And we wouldn't know the beauty of redemption and the fresh new beginning that comes with healing.

It's a beautiful thing to hear God say here that we will be drawn back from the places we've ended up in and inherit our promised land. I don't know about you, but it's time. I'm taking my land. Finding out what it is and taking it. Whatever that is going to look like. It's time and I'm ready. Are you? Let's get in gear and Thrive. Nothing compares. NOTHING.

The Journey

Nothing deeply spiritual today. Except to say that this is around a year ago.

And this is around now.

And it's one of the hardest things on this earth to go from 230 to 160 pounds. And I'm not talking physically difficult. I'm talking about beginning the working out and realizing that the reasons for overeating and a lack of discipline are very much intimacy, trust, and Daddy issues in your walk with The Abba King. And it takes HARD work to deal with those. I've gone through more revelation of the good, bad, and ugly in the last year than ever. I don't thinkI was aware that someone could go through such an array of emotions and experiences in one year. And seeing that array of experiences show up in a physical way is a very eary, odd, and out-of-body experience. Hmmmmmmm. I said nothing deep and spiritual today. Guess that's not possible......If I'm proud of my appearance it's mainly because it's a physical proof of all He's doing in me. Lest I ever begin to forget. And, oh, we're not done yet!

"And Joshua son of Nun was full of the spirit of wisdom, for Moses had laid his hands upon him; so the Israelites listened to him and did as the Lord commanded Moses.  And there arose not a prophet since in Israel like Moses,
whom the Lord knew face to face" (Deuteronomy 34:9-10 AMP)I want to have the kind of intimacy with The King that means when I lay hands on someone in prayer or blessing, things really start to happen.