There was once a crazy year (2)

For the first part of the year, I was just frustrated and wondering what the heck was going on. I was overwhelmed, overworked, and dry as a bone. Then this summer I went to a Beth Moore conference and it ended up being a crazy weekend unlike I expected. Part of that weekend involved hanging out with Beth for a bit and her saying something to me that was undeniably and completely of Jesus and meant to grab my attention so hard that the wind got knocked out of me. That moment I heard God say, "This is it, Baby Girl. You've come completely through and are on the other side. You've arrived. You're free. Healed. It's time to begin something new and huge." This was overwhelming because of the way it all hit me. He did it big. I mean, coming from the mouth of Beth herself was HUGE because the day I saw the extent of my unhealthy state and desired to get out of those pits 5 years ago was the first day I ever heard her speak. I began thinking and processing and then I was hit with health issues. An interesting thing happened when I was weak and not able to be as active. I lost a lot of "friends". It's funny who shows up or supports you when you're just too weak to handle life. And it's heartbreaking and shocking to see who doesn't. Sometimes I think we in the church get so focused on whatever "our" ministry is, that we become blinded to the way others around us in the body need our support. I did a lot of resting which left me alone a lot. Which made me wrestle like crazy with Jesus over everything. Over my life and what it is and where it's going. It changes everything when you spend most of your time with only Him. I had to face all kinds of things I had been avoiding. One day it hit me that I'd been hanging out all day every day with the most powerful King in the universe and He was crazy about me. (Have you had the blessing of this eerie, awesome experience yourself? If not, I ask you to. Don't miss out on Him!) And after months and months of wrestling things out with Him, I accepted what He was saying to me. He was telling me and showing me what I've been wired for. Groomed for. Brought up to do. I'd known it somewhere deep down for a long time. I just avoided facing it and the hard parts I knew would come with that.  But I've finally made a firm decision. 

There was once a crazy year (1)

A desert. A huge, hot, dry, desolate, windy-in-a-painful-way-that-chaps-and-dries-every-inch-of-you desert. At first I was simply blown over and devastated by this response and condition of life. I ask for huge adventure and I get plopped in the middle of......well, not much of anything to be exact. In the beginning, I was just angry. Angry that I seemed to be isolated a lot on all sides and angles. But as 2011 started to run it's course, I began to see a theme. It took a bit to get it. To actually open my eyes to what He was up to. Sometimes it's hardest to see even the most beautiful things when you're sitting IN them, is it not? I began to hear whispers of the theme He had for me. It was in conversations with customers and co-workers. It was in messages and sermons I listened in on. It was in books I read. Pages of scripture that would fall open. And in the voices of teachers that I encountered and learned from throughout the year.

There was once a crazy year (Prologue)

For the entire year of 2011 I have been asking Jesus for high adventure on a grand scale that goes much further than my imagination could conceive. I've asked Him to strategically place me in a spot of influence with those who have not yet encountered Him in the raw and breathtaking way that He longs to infiltrate their lives. And He did. The effect of this on me was more painful and entirely different than anything I anticipated.....

Pearls

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please!"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.

On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere--Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess--the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my babydoll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver,she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.

Raw (Chapter 3)

It was one of those moments. An average day with an average routine. Nothing seemingly out of the ordinary. But then-as quick and as powerful as a bolt of lightening-it hit. So powerful it literally knocks the breath out of you for a moment. But so fast you have to stop and ask yourself if that really just did indeed happen. And it did. Not only did it happen, but that split second-no!-half a second-was enough to alter your entire world. Your entire faith. 

The day before I had been talking back and forth with my friend Annie over e-mail. We'd been discussing some things I struggle with and she'd told me to take those things and sort of suspend them in air and walk around the other side of them and look at it from another angle or two. I was processing that and asking the Lord to reveal truth to me. And at the end of the night, I set it aside and sort of out of my mind. 

The next day, however, I worked very early and was supposed to be traveling a bit of a distance to visit a ministry that specializes in prayers of healing. My friend Jessie knows the people who work there and I'm not getting help or answers to my health problems with doctors, so I agreed to try this. Unfortunately, my car just keeps breaking down and i had no way of traveling even 2 hours away. It was suggested I rent a car for the occasion, and as I drove home from my early opening shift I debated that possibility. As I wrestled with it, I thought to myself, "All that trouble just to be prayed for. Is it worth all that money just for some prayer? Isn't that a bit extreme?" That's when it hit. Like lightening. 

It felt like I was standing still and the entire world began to spin around me. I realized almost before the thought finished what I was thinking. What I actually believe. Or, rather, what I DON'T believe. Just prayer. Just. Prayer. J-U-S-T prayer?!?! What the heck.....??? In a flash, I realized that I do not in any way have the faith I once thought myself to. I've been spending time and money at appointment after appointment with doctors of western medicine who are actually making my problem WORSE and have not spent any time or desperation seeking out those with the training and understanding of the healing power of prayer as my answer. I have actually allowed myself to believe that doctors can do more
for me, that prayer won't actually work. 

As I looked through the gospels yesterday and today, I watched Jesus heal the sick. Deliver the possessed and oppressed. Destroy death and disease. Redeem any variety of things. Completely shatter the world that the religious leaders of the day had built. And then turn around and give His followers complete and utter authority to do the same. He even makes the statement that they will do all this AND MORE-because the Holy Spirit will live within them. And I am questioning whether the act of coming before Christ's throne will do much for me. Who am I kidding? Where have I gone wrong? What voices am I listening to?! The church's. My upbringing. This culture. 
As I realize and plead with Jesus to teach me how to live in the full authority He's given me, I ask you-where's your faith at? With your big stuff? With the small details of your day? Are you actively living in the authority and power that Jesus himself handed over to you before He left this Earth? Are you in tune to the Holy Spirit's movement and active work every day? Or are we all falling to distraction and American Christianity and complacency and the soft, cozy, cushy Jesus that never gets bold and loud and authoritative and crazily active about the way things are going? Are our actions moving and flowing in tune with His? When's the last time you experienced His movement in the day? Living here is by far the most comfortable, clean, warm, convenient life we could ask for. So why, then, are so many not content? Why miserable? Stressed out all the time? Depressed? Distracting themselves from thinking with
T.V. and food and video gaming?Something's not adding up. I still have so far to go until I've firmly grasped the truth and actually begun living it out. But I'm determined to refuse infiltration by, well, by everything around me. It's going to take daily diligence. But if I've learned anything at all about Jesus, it will be the most exciting and thrilling ride I could ever take. Anyone out there up for serious change? Let's talk. I'd love some company as I walk along this path. 

Raw (Chapter 2)

I'm not sure if this is true of other cultures, and I am the last to know if it applies as strongly to men, but I have become absolutely convinced that the enemy's greatest weapon against Americans, women, and Christians is comparison and the resulting complacency. (And if you're an American Christian woman, I believe he's trying to set you up for disaster.) We are so surrounded on every side so entirely by things and people that we're told to compare ourselves with, that unless you SEE the depth of the infiltration by our media and society and very actively work to be free of it's influence, you are heading up a very swift, dangerous creek without a paddle to be had. Fortunately, if we can become aware of the situation, Jesus  can become our paddle. And with Him we can turn the boat around. 

The amount of comparison that we're just expected to make every day is enormous. We don't even see the extent of it because we're so infiltrated. Every time you go to the grocery store, there are 15 magazines with hot, perfect women on the cover. They don't ever bother to explain to young girls paging through Cosmo and Vogue that every cover made has a bill for tens of thousands of dollars for airbrushing and photoshopping services. And that every size 1 model in the two-page Gucci and Armani adds are either born having a hard time putting on weight, or just threw up their lunch in the bathroom. 
What about Victoria's Secret adds? I saw about 5 in a one hour episode of Grey's Anatomy last week. Those girls look perfect. But oh, yeah. They've had boob jobs and haven't eaten a full meal in weeks. And how much you want to bet their backs and feet are throbbing from wearing the weight of those wings while filming? I even saw it on a Jack in The Box commercial. Hot, perfect "goddesses" eating a huge bacon burger. Yeah. Right. 

We compare ourselves every day to everyone around us and we don't even see it. I didn't realize the extent of it until recently. One day, the Lord opened my eyes to how much I'm living in bondage to comparison and I saw how bad it's gotten. It's hard to flourish as you when you're constantly looking at how pretty and talented and artistic and wise and successful others are and feeling like you come up short. I do this CONSTANTLY and haven't even seen it. I love singing. I actually have a good-ish voice. But I always look at my friends who are great and assume I should just keep quiet. I love art-photography, painting, drawing, etc....but I know phenomenal artists that I always measure myself against. I love writing. I'd actually love doing it for a living. However, I look at several of my favorite people's work and feel completely messy and juvenile. I even compare my weight loss and teaching skills to my Zumba instructor friends and mentors and give up on things too fast because they've lost more weight and teach such great classes. I can't even be at work without watching my co-workers make coffee faster and better than me. 

I've come to see the severity of comparison and how detrimental and painful it can be to the body of Christ. When we allow it to take over, we give up trying as much and we cease to function at the capacity and in the power He has intended for us to, and we become ineffective. Insecure. Complacent. Less dangerous to the enemy. Which is exactly what he wants. If we managed to stop comparing ourself to others, we would become pure dynamite. Dynamite that blows the enemy right out of the way. 

Raw. (Chapter 1)

I've lost 80 pounds. When you lose a significant amount of weight, people are constantly asking you how you did it. What your secrets are. Sometimes I feel as if they ask and then look at me as if I'm going to pull pixie dust out of my purse and sprinkle it on them and magically give them all the answers.  Now, I DO actually usually carry pixie dust in my purse, but that's a whole other issue and story.  The reality is that while people can definitely lose weight on their own with hard work, I found that for me, it was impossible without a dramatic work of Jesus Christ deeply and profoundly affecting,  healing, restoring, renewing, re-wiring, and re-teaching me who He really is. It's been the toughest, most painful, most lonely, most beautiful, most amazing, and most thrilling ride so far. And I KNOW it's only begun. 

 I was overweight for years. The way in which I deal with stress is to eat. It is one of the comforts I turn to. And until I saw and admitted the actions and thoughts that led to over-eating, nothing was going to change for me. And one day, Jesus gently and lovingly poked and prodded me in this area until I finally let go and called it what it is. Bondage. An unhealthy mindset and addiction. The moment I listened to Him and agreed with Him about my eating was the moment everything began to change. 

What happened first was a desire to get over and away from unhealthy and destructive thought and eating patterns. That was a gigantic project that took time, energy, large amounts of dedication, studying, memorizing, re-wiring my mindset and the way I think. It was actually all about learning to Believe God (not believe IN God). Learning to accept who He is. Who I am. Work through all the painful childhood issues. Allow Him full access to my life. (Especially to my past.) once that all started happening, the weight issue naturally fell into step alongside of the rest. I began attending Zumba classes because I was at a point in my spiritual journey of recognizing that God wants to be Lord of all-and that includes having complete authority and access to my body as well. So I was attempting to put my body under His rein and commit to health for Him more than for me. Of course, once I got into Zumba I  fell in love. And it's actually a way for me to give myself to Him. When I dance-even when it's hip-hop, it's a very serious time of working out my day. Mentally I process through the day as I dance. And I am dedicating my health, my body, my well-being to Him. I actually learn so much and gain such perspective from Zumba. It's not just about exercise. It's about something so much bigger and so much greater. Which is one of the reasons why it's so hard for me when I'm not able to do it.  

The point is, weight loss is really a secondary issue and a reflection of the emotional and mental healing that has taken place within me. If you're struggling with big over-eating, it's bondage.  Look deep inside. Or maybe you won't even need to look that far. You will find an issue. A hang up. A hurt. An anger. A fear. It is what feeds that extra hunger. Deal with that, and you will naturally and unknowingly begin to take on and tackle your weight issue before you even realize it. Let Him in. Give Him full access to your heart.  What's your greatest fear or the one thing you protect with a vengeance? Tear down that wall. Give THAT up. It changes everything. He really DOES have only good for you. And more incredible good than you can comprehend. Admit to yourself and Him that you don't fully believe that and you've begun.