Raw. (The Introduction.)

"The greatest single cause of atheism today is Christians; who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. THAT is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

If you're my age, or if you strangely happen to listen to a lot of 90's music, (something I'd be careful to admit apart from M.J. I mean, come on. Everyone loves Thriller. If you say you don't you're lying.) you probably know where I got that quote. It's on the beginning of an amazing track to an amazing DCTalk album-Jesus Freak.  And lately it's been swimming around in my head. 

For years, I loved the concept of that idea. That quote and song and album really had me thinking about hypocrisy. In high school, I believed Christianity was all about not being ashamed to talk about Jesus. So I was bold to say I believed in Him. I was a student leader in the high school ministry. I would talk about Him at school if I got the opportunity. I attended See You At The Pole every year. I refused to attend parties. I thought that's what being a Christian was all about. And I was totally and completely messed up. I was living in a number of pits of destruction-some that I had been flung into. Many that I dug and jumped into myself.  All those years I have looked at the concept behind that quote completely backwards. Here's what I mean:

When people get turned off to Jesus because of Christians, maybe it's not about what we do and don't attend. What kind of language we use. What we believe about Creation, how old this Earth is, whether Jesus is really coming back and when. Heaven and Hell.  How nice of a person we are. These things are important, yes, but I have come to believe that they may actually distract from the heart and depth of things. 

For several years I worked in environments of ministry. I attended a small Bible school where you literally live in a  bubble for a period of time and get to just be infiltrated with Jesus. And after that, I worked at a Christian camp and lived and taught in a Christian Conference Center that I never needed to leave for any reason.  After that I moved home for MJC and ended up being an intern at Big Valley Grace.  Twice. This whole time, I thought I had gained knowledge and wisdom from all I lived and worked with about avoiding hypocrisy. About making sure people  look at my life and see something that makes Jesus so real. And then the hard stuff started. 

I began working in the secular world. SuddIenly I was spending every day in environments of complete darkness. For the last 4 years, I've been the only Christian in my work place. And it wasn't until that began that I truly learned what it is that makes it hard for people to have any desire to know Jesus as they believe He'd be. 

Here's what I've learned. With small amounts of exceptions, over the last several years what I've seen is that when a person who doesn't know the Lord looks at the Christian in their midst, watches their life, they see only the different view of science and the involvement in a Church. Other than those main things, it's very hard to tell a difference  between a believer and an atheist. I've worked with atheists and Buddhists  who are much more joyful and kind than most of the Christians I am around. In fact, a lot of the pastors and believers I know from town are daily customers at my store right now. And I have been getting infuriated by the fact that they are actually some of the most sour, rude, or fakely friendly people we see each day. Trust me, my co-workers are smart people. They can see through a fake nice-ness. Quite easily. 

I have been wrestling for several years with why it is we don't have any very large differences about us. And THAT right there is the issue that I have come to believe is THE greatest single cause of atheism today. We're not getting it. We're living an American, watered-down Christianity that involves keeping your nice house, white picket fence, and new soccer mom SUV. We do everything exactly the same as the non-believer who lives next door, but we add two hours of church attendance during the week and a Bible study of two during the year and we think that somehow that will appeal to others. We're not getting it.

About 5 years ago I realized this. I hit a point where I decided  I was too tired of pretending I was okay. Or happy. And One night I began just unleashing all my fears and concerns to God. I hollered and cried and screamed and began wrestling with Him and myself like never before. I angrily yelled at Him that I was sick and tired of being so messed up. So unhealthy. So deep in bondage. So addicted. So alike every other messed-up person on this planet.  As a believer, wasn't I supposed to have victory over these things? Wasn't I supposed to be on top of hard circumstances and having incredible stories to tell of encounters and healing and witnessing the Spirit's movement and involvement in everything? Wasn't everything supposed to be a dramatically different way of life than with someone who doesn't know Jesus? And I realized that the majority of Christians I know couldn't answer yes to any of those questions about their own lives. Oh, sure. They genuinely love Jesus. They serve Him. They may even truly deeply affect others.  But they are not living dynamically power-filled lives of authority. They aren't taking the few moments to truly SEE the people they encounter throughout the day. They aren't learning how to lay hands on a pray over people in a way that actually heals and cures disease. (Oh, yes. I DO believe that is very possible. Does that make you squirm?) I didn't want to end up like that. I wanted to get it right. Even if that meant being the weird different one at church of all places. I began to understand that when I get it-I mean REALLY get it-I will be living, breathing, moving with the Spirit. And when I do that, I actually CAN have the power and authority to be over circumstances. To see people and have a knowledge and insight of what God Himself sees and thinks. And because I am literally His daughter, I get to have the very real power and ability to rein in His authority. Kind of like when the King would leave for business and leave his signat ring with someone He trusted to make decisions on his behalf and put an order or a motion into effect with his power backing it up. I have the seal of approval from the King. And if I truly understand that, I can live quite differently. I have the authority to literally move a mountain. Tell a demon to leave. Heal a disease. Sound crazy? Well, maybe it is. But it's true all the same. And we don't live this out. We don't take time to be connected to His voice enough for these things. It would take too much time. Be too inconvenient. And really? I think we're afraid if we listen, we'll be asked to do things, give up things, and go places that we most certainly do not want to deal with. It would be disruptive to our live. And people would think we're crazy. But maybe, just maybe, if we began truly living Christianity in the way we're meant to-healing disease, taking care of each other, providing for believers all over the globe-God has such incredible intimacy, miraculous experiences, and mind-blowing amazement to put into our lives, that when others see what we're living and experiencing, they won't be able to deny the Jesus they're seeing there. It will be different, powerful, real, and HUGE. It will become undeniable. 
We just haven't begun to really grab ahold of this. Of all it entails. We're too distracted by that career. That sport. That two-hour episode of Grey's Anatomy. That vacation we have to plan because we're too overworked. Sometimes i wonder.....If  I were as tapped into the spirit as we could be, I think all He and I would be doing together would be such a wild ride that I'd feel like I was being whisked away on a fascinating cruise every day. Hmmmmm.....
I still have so much to learn. I've barely even scratched the surface. But I already have one wild story that's begun to develop......

Health update #2

Well, this is most definitely NOT the kind of update I expected to be writing. Sometimes you don't realize how invincible you really think you are until it hits an extreme point. Of course, part of that is because everyone and their mother likes to say "Eh. You're young. You can do it all. You shouldn't be tired!" I heard it from a customer for the millionth time yesterday and  actually shuttered. It's beginning to make me angry to hear that. It's a lie. 

I am at a place of exhaustion and desperation. I was supposed to have a bunch of tests run this week to find out what's wrong with me. The night before the tests I woke up with such severe pain that I ended up reading my Bible while curled in a ball on the living room floor. When I went to the doctor the next day she acted as if I was blowing things out of proportion. I explained to her that I've had many operations in my lifetime, I have a high pain tolerance, and was not making things up. She treated me as if I was being too sensitive to the medicine she'd given me. And actually said my list of symptoms may be "me", and not the medicine.  She said they're indicative of clinical depression. I was in shock. Except for some periods of spiritual depression-NOT clinical-I am a flipping ray of sunshine, okay? I'm NOT Eyore! You're pumping my body with hormones and telling me my side effects aren't the meds?!
She then proceeded to tell me she didn't need to run the tests on me. Then why did she tell me two weeks ago to take the pill, to stop the bleeding, to come in, to have these tests run? She just wants to keep me on the pill for a few months.  All she's saying is "we need to stop that bleeding." Well, you're not. And how about finding out WHY it's happening?!?! And then she listened to my heart and informed me that I have a pretty large murmur. Something no one has discovered before. Now I get to spend several days next week at cardiology. And when I asked her how we're going to find an answer to the original reason I came in, she just said it's hormone changes or stress. But the last time I checked, everyone deals with both of those things and does NOT have this reaction. Especially when they're getting healthy and losing a significant amount of weight. 

It doesn't add up. I left the office with more questions than I came in with and an added health concern and appointments with an added specialist. She's just shoving hormones at me that aren't working. It's a band-aid being slapped on a symptom rather than finding a cause for the problem. Since that appointment on Wednesday,  I've been in continual high amounts of pain and am seeing a whole lot of other problems come back or continue. The pill isn't working. At all. Everything's actually getting worse by the day. When you are feeling increasingly bad physically, it's very hard to have to energy and brains enough to figure out what to do and who to talk to and all that. Despite my age, I feel so young to be handling all these things on my own. It's scary. I'm terrified. I'm at a loss for wisdom. 

The good news? The silver lining in all this?........I learned two years ago a truth that I KNOW was given to me for this moment in time. Ready? It's simple: 
He KNOWS it's scary to be us. 
He gets it. 
Thank you, Jesus. 

Update # 1: Health

So I've written and re-written updates for several weeks. And haven't posted one. It's very hard for me to talk about this. It's personal. It makes me look weak. I like appearing strong. But I think now-as I'm forced to sit in the waiting room yet again-would be a good time to go into it. I am only hurting myself by not allowing the church the opportunity to act like it. 

Basically, I have been severely bleeding for about 7 months now. At first, it was no big deal. But bleeding consistently without ceasing while working and teaching Zumba on a daily basis catches up with anyone after a while. My anemia is out of control. (you can't get on top of it when you just keep bleeding.) I'm fatigued beyond belief. My emotions and even personality are altered. Several months ago I stopped teaching so many classes at night. Something that was very difficult for me to do. But my body forced me to. Through the pulling back of teaching, I realized how tied to it I have become. How much it's become my identity. It's very painful not to be instructing every night. I've gained a few pounds back. And I'm STILL struggling with the fact that I am not able to have the prestige of instructing in labeling who I am. But it's good. Jesus has been teaching me how important it is to find my identity in Him and Him alone. Two weeks ago I jumped up front of an extremely crowded class with my friend Melissa as she taught and got all puffed up about being "back in the game." That moment that attitude began consuming me, I tweaked my knee and it's still hurting. As I cried over it that night, The Lord gently reminded me that while He doesn't enjoy seeing me be hurt, He'll allow it if it will keep me humbled. So here I am. 

I'm currently enduring an extremely high amount of hormones being pumped into my body every day and this week am going through a series of tests to figure out why my body is mis-behaving. Let me tell you, it hasn't been pretty. I am so not myself at ALL lately. I feel as if I'm one big emotional mass of everything all heaped on the floor. Because my emotions are a mess and my body needs an intense and extreme amount of rest and unique treatment, I've shut out the world a lot. And I've been lectured about it. I've been told I need to be more social. I'm too isolated. Things like that. The truth is, I need more friends, but friends that are understanding. Gentle. That will be willing to sit quietly or pray over my body when I suddenly get dripping hot flashes out of nowhere because of the pills. 

 By the end of this week, I should know what's wrong with me. That's the doctor's goal and hope. They're only speculating right now. The "c" word has been thrown out there but we don't know yet. If you read this and you're willing to be a prayer warrior on my body's and Spirit's behalf, I would be extremely thankful. That's what I need. Thanks for reading. Thanks for supporting. 
Jesus rules completely and totally. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that EVERYTHING is always purposed for something bigger later. Nothing is EVER wasted in the Kingdom world. EVER. 

For when you are weak, then He is strong. Even when you can't feel, see, or understand when or how that may work out. 

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way i feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell
Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Cnto something beautiful
What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought i'd see.
Give me reason to believe
You'd never keep me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine?
It easily defines me,
Do you see it on my face?
That all i can think about is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me.
Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
And I'm still fighting for the word
To break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You'd stare right back down
Into something beautiful
So close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

 ~Jars Of Clay 

Finding first loves again.

I don't know why I'm frightened
I know my way around here
The cardboard trees, the painted seas, the sound here
Yes, a world to rediscover
But I 'm not in any hurry
And I need a moment


The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways
The atmosphere as thrilling here as always
Feel the early morning madness
Feel the magic in the making
Why, everything's as if we never said goodbye


I've spent so many mornings just trying to resist you
I'm trembling now, you can't know how I've missed you
Missed the fairy tale adventure
In this ever spinning playground
We were young together


I'm coming out of make-up
The lights already burning
Not long until the cameras will start turning
And the early morning madness
And the magic in the making
Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye


I don't want to be alone
That's all in the past
This world's waited long enough
I've come home at last!



And this time will be bigger
And brighter than we knew it
So watch me fly, we all know I can do it
Could I stop my hand from shaking?
Has there ever been a moment
With so much to live for?


The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways
So much to say not just today but always
We'll have early morning madness
We'll have magic in the making
Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye
Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye
We taught the world new ways to dream!

........from Sunset Boulevard

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all-oh, how well I remember-the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way. 
~Lamentations 3:19-33 {MSG}