Sweet conversations.

"UGH!" I screamed and cried bitterly as loud as I could. "I'm done! Finished with this. You hear that!?!?" I stopped to cough because I was yelling so loud it hurt my throat. I took another deep shaky breath- the kind of breath you take when you've bawled your eyes out for hours and your whole body shutters just to breathe. "I've been asking and asking and working for years to find this. Why wouldn't you want it? That's it. I give up. Completely. Totally. G-I-V-E U-P. Forget it." I secretly believed He didn't care enough about my need, and possibly me, to meet it. I was hurt. Confused. Not understanding why it was so difficult for the King of the Universe to provide for this particular need. It seemed like something that would be no big deal to Him. But no matter how I asked or how I sought an answer out, after several years the answer stayed the same: silence. So I made a decision to give up.

Then, a few weeks later, from the least expected place, BAM!!! It was just there this morning. Handed to me. I could hardly believe He was answering what I'd completely given up on. I didn't know how to respond except to sing praises.

And in one small quiet moment, I heard Him whisper, "Darling, go ahead. Ask." I blushed as I realized afresh how well He knows my most intimate thoughts & emotions. And I did ask the question that had been sitting on my mind all day: "Why did you wait until I gave up on it (and on you) before answering?" and I heard Him answer just as clear as anything, "Darling, because I wanted to show you that I haven't given up on it long after you have, and I will NEVER give up on you."

Bows and arrows

In my reading today, I came across a verse in Lamentations that really got my mind reeling. Chapter 3:12: "God took careful aim & shot his arrows straight through my heart."
To be perfectly honest, this is a pretty accurate description of how I've been feeling lately. Now don't get me wrong, I am definitely very much continuing to fall in love with Jesus every day. However, I am in a season of really tough stuff. I've got several painful issues I'm dealing with, several jobs, consistent shortage of finances, the difficulty of being single & alone, etc..........and sometimes it honestly feels as if God is trying to shoot me in the heart with an arrow. I don't get it. I don't understand what He's up to. And I'm okay with that. 
This whole bow and arrow thing really got me thinking about something that Miss Beth has talked about before. I had forgotten. And perhaps not quite understood yet. But I think I'm beginning to get it now. Ready for this?.......
This is hard to swallow. But sometimes God DOES aim arrows straight at our heart. Sometimes He really IS trying to wound us. Crazy to think about, huh? There are times I can totally understand the reasons behind it. We've grown cold & callous in some area. We've put up walls and tried to keep others or Him out. We need to learn some sort if lesson.........
Then there are times it doesn't totally make sense and the best we can do I sorta guess why & simply believe Him. That hurts. That's hard. That's very difficult to wrap the mind around. That's where I am. I don't get a lot of what's happening right now. It confuses me and tries to overwhelm me. But I DO get that He is doing an incredible wk in me. I DO get that He tells me He has my best interests at heart. I DO get that all the painful experiences I have help me to understand and have compassion for and help others when they start to deal with similar issues. And that has to be enough for now. Let this be an encouragement for you. Don't be afraid to put down your shield and let Him shoot u straight in the heart. When it hits, He'll catch u. It's kind of like breaking a bone and going to the doctor to get it fixed. He'll have to re-set or break it even more to pop it into the proper place for healing to begin. He has to hurt u more before u can get better. I don't totally get it. But I get that He does!

Guess what today is!?!?!?

Today is a brand new day. A new chance to begin doing that thing u always mean to do daily. A new chance to become a strong, dangerous, mighty warrior. To have a faith that can literally move mountains & heal disease. Today is a new chance to see with the eyes of Jesus all the areas the enemy tries to wriggle his way into everything and to finally stop taking his presence in your life- today it's time to finally kick his butt for good! Today is a new chance to set aside the material & dive into the eternal- living and fighting for what lasts. Today is the day to fight hard for that friendship that's not going so well. To set aside comfort & pride and take the time to make things right. To come to peace. Today is the day to begin truly living. Truly becoming a dynamic powerhouse that changes the world with their presence- one person and place at a time. Today. Not tomorrow. Not next year. Today. 

The desire for defeat

Here's one you don't hear every day. Try this on for size:
I say it is likely that we desire defeat in our lives. Yes, you heard me correctly!  Right about now you're probably thinking I'm nuts. You're mostly right:)  

I believe it's possible that the enemy has us so wrapped up & confused that we begin to desire a life that is living in defeat of the way God longs to see us live. 

For example, I spent the last several years living In a significant amount of victory over many areas of sin and generational curses that through a lot of hard, long, painful work the Lord & I overcame. I have lived happy about this and with a feeling of accomplishment & confidence that I'm strong spiritually. But you see, a confidence that develops out of contentment of status is never a good thing. Before we have a chance to catch it, pride rears it's big ugly head and shows up on our doorstep. And if we are sittin pretty in our confidence that we aren't living in sin anymore, it doesn't ring the doorbell. It walks right in and makes itself at home.   

Lately, I've been becoming keenly aware that I've been pretty stagnant in my spiritual life. I used to have to actively do all manner of things on a daily basis to make it a day without returning to that addictive behavior. And somewhere along the line I stopped. I stopped memorization of scripture. I stopped repeating & praying it aloud; again, and again, and again......
I stopped beginning each day on my face and admitting I'd get nowhere without the Holy Spirit filling me up. I stopped asking for gigantic miracles every day & praising Him in advance for what He was going to do. I stopped asking for accountability.  I figured I didn't need to work hard to find it. I hadn't been living in that sin behavior anymore.  And then, I saw it. 

I saw me. A normal, basic, everyday person. I realized one day that I look & talk & think exactly as my co-workers do. In defeat. In un-belief. Not un-belief IN God. But OF God, who He is, Who I am in Him. I was beginning to speak in a way that consisted of hopelessness. I began to function as the rest of the world. This may not seem so bad. But you see, once you realize the power of Jesus Christ, once you experience it, once it drastically changes you, heals you, redeems you from the pit and gives you a new name, the last thing you should look like is normal. Is like everyone else. And the fact that we so often do is in itself defeat. Defeat from living and acting in the freedom & power & potential that you have in Him.  My heart has been hurt recently. And the enemy has put me into a place if isolation-He's been working very hard to strip me of my power & wear me down in every way possible.  And  I've been living in it. I've just accepted that the things that hurt and even really damage me are not able to change-this is how it is. And truthfully, I have absolutely no reason for my life to look like this. I can-and should-be fighting on my knees and face over the things that have been happening to me. But the enemy is large. And real. And he wants me to think that just because most other believers around me aren't extreme, I shouldn't be either. But if I look at most other believers around me, I see someone who looks pretty normal. Just like me. And then He whispers in my ear & tells me I need to be different. Be extreme. Fight with whatever means necessary to live with the power I have a right to. So I'll be extreme. I'll be way more weird than even most Christians. Is that so bad? I don't WANT to be like most. I want to be victorious and full of joy and victory. So, I am gonna fight. I'm gonna do whatever crazy things I have to in order to give up these last few addictions that I'm struggling with. I'm gonna care enough about the relationship that's hurting my heart to get on my face and fight for it or for peace to let it go. I'm not just going to go the extra mile to be radically different. I'll go as far as it takes. And if it's alone, so be it. I'm done being stagnant just because I feel I i have noone In my life who takes time to see it all. Don't let anything or anyone cause you to desire defeat from the unlimited power you have in the name of normalcy or fitting in. Take it from me- it's not at all worth it.

 Jesus, do your thang and be HUGE today. 

A Mess.

Facebook. Twitter,
all our apps get littered.
Photos, updates, even games,
How many more comments can I gain?
Photos get edited before they're put up,
I can make it look like I don't have a big butt!
We control the things that people can see,
And before long we're making up our identity. 
I choose to look good when I post something today,
I don't tell you my sleep pattern makes me live in a haze. 
I dont tell u I'm lonely and hate living alone,
Or that my heart hurts when friends get to busy to phone. 
I don't show you my pile of laundry on the couch,
Or the bum knee I teach Zumba on-ouch!
I don't tell you about the struggles I always have with my thoughts,
that every day lived in victory was REALLY fought. 
I don't talk about spiritual battles that rage,
That would be so uncomfortable to put on my facebook page!
Everyone else seems to have so much  to say,
So many updates to add to their status today.
I only have one thing on my mind at this point,
I'm worn out from my mind all the way down to my joints. 
I'm done hiding that I am a mess,
It's okay NOT to be okay. It's okay to be depressed. 
I serve a King who knows every inch of my life. 
He knows my desires, from ministry to being a wife. 
Past, present, and future are all in His hand,
If I only knew HOW much, I could more boldly stand. 
He probably chuckles when he sees me freak out
He has such great plans it's ridiculous for me to doubt. 
I'm a mess alright, but a beautiful one,
You know who told me that? My King & His Son.

Major Confession.

When I was little I remember hearing a few talks & sermons about success. About men often giving up their families & ministry time to work more. To climb the corporate ladder. To be more successful. Even at a young age, this was one issue I really thought about & understood. And I remember thinking to myself, "people who do this are just stupid. I know better. I know success is relative. I know this world thinks u need to get far with labels, but God has a whole different system for success & what it looks like in His kingdom. I'll never be that stupid. That shallow. I know better." And I've worked hard to maintain that mindset. I've often been full of pride over my resistance to the world's standards & to my continued commitment to ministry. And then, everything changed....

I don't know how it started. I don't know how I got so sucked in. I don't know how it happened so fast. But it did. And here I am. Climbing out of a pit & working hard to stay out. In case you haven't noticed, I've had a pretty crazy change of lifestyle lately. I eat well. I exercise. I've lost 60 pounds. I've become a Zumba instructor. And that's where the problem is. I got hooked on Zumba & it's been wonderful for my health. And becoming an instructor is literally a life-long dream come true. And I've been very involved in the Zumba world. I attend, teach, or practice Zumba on a daily basis. Before long, I started to see other Zumba people at the gym 7 days a week. More than church family. More than anyone. And then I dove into this world if instructing. Before a few weeks had even passed I was obsessed. Every thought, picture, conversation, status update, & profile was about Zumba. Was about becoming an instructor. I love being a part of the ZIN. It feels like a secret world. And I love talking about it & showing it off to friends & family. I've always struggled with feeling like I don't have a lot to show. And this makes me feel like I'm something. Like I finally have something about me that can be admired. Envied. Liked. For once I have a status I can take pride in. And then a few weeks ago I began looking around me. I began paying attention to other instructors I know. I started to notice things. They all have lost more weight than me. They all have found more work than me. Many are better teachers & dancers than I am. They are all better known and more sought out than I am. This upset me very much. Once again, I felt, for the millionth time in my life, that I'm not good at anything & I have failed at being the success I want to be.

Last week I went to a big Zumba event in SF. I saw some of Zumba's biggest names in person. The creator himself & all the ZESs. (Zumba Educational Specialists.) That day, the feeling of inadequacy overwhelmed me. I felt that compared to everyone there, I sucked. And there in the middle of a huge day and a huge crowd, with my group of friends who don't walk with the Lord, I cried out to Him. I asked Him to give me relief. And out of nowhere I saw it. I saw that all these amazing, ripped, beautiful, successful, sought-after instructors spent every waking moment, every thought, every day, living for that success. Every bite they eat, every activity. That's the only way to become that successful. To have it BECOME your life. And I saw in a Flash that this is what my life has become. I live for Zumba. How ugly! How selfish! How dreadfully horrid. How in the world did I get so wrapped up In this? I realize that I have wrapped my identity, my status, how I feel about myself, and even who I am up in the Zumba world. For months it's been all that's mattered to me. I've measured who I am and how good I am by my success in this industry. And I get depressed and angry and bitter when others succeed in finding more work and recognition that I do. Not only is this awfully ugly, but the truth is that I have begun to idolize this. I don't look any different that a normal American. I'm striving for success in a field of my Choosing. But, it's a dangerous road.

I have committed to a Healthier lifestyle. I have dedicated 2011 to finishing my weight loss. And i will still teach and love Zumba. But it hit me today that in order to get back to being just me, just a redeemed girl who's daily falling more head-over-heals in love with Jesus, I need to give up any hope of being the best. Of losing as much weight as everyone else. Of being the most successful instructor out there. I won't. It's not going to happen. I will always be less successful that most of them, because being involved in ministries will take time away from dancing. But that's okay. I need to learn to be just me again. My identity needs to be found in Jesus and Jesus alone. I need to daily lay the rest at His feet. All that should matter is whether my heart is in tune with His today. I need to learn to get back to that. See this whole world and all in it as temporary. Refuse to be "of" it. This is hard. And painful. And will require much stripping of layers. It's gonna take everything in me to get it. And it's going to be an on-going battle. But thank God He's given me all of His power to accomplish this. He is so good. All the time.

Bunny trail.

Exhaustion.
From what?
Responsibility. 
Work. 
Influence. 
Ministry. 
Constant manipulation of how others see us.
(Or so we think.) 
Our culture's standards. 
The busy-ness we're told is normal.
That weird loneliness that comes with being so busy.
Walls.  
So many walls. 
Why is it so hard to break them?
Aren't they like glass anyway-
More fragile than we may think.
More see-through than we know.
But we think we know what we want. 
And where does that lead us? 
To the Romans 6-7 thing. 
Being exactly what we DON'T want. 
Before long........
Exhaustion. 
A cycle. A trap. 
Jesus. A king. A Kingdom. 
Our Kingdom. Oh, yeah. That. 
Yes. THAT.
Why am I not looking different from my co-worker who doesn't believe God even exists? Why am I  living as every other person on this planet?
Focus. 
Jesus. A King. 
Live like it. 
Authority to shut up demons. 
Trample snakes & scorpions.
Bring healing & redemption wherever I step foot.
Change the world. 
Rein alongside my King for reals. 
Jesus told me I could. 
I haven't gotten that down yet. 
Why on earth not.....
Walls. 
So many walls. 
Let them shatter.
Loudly.