Pain.

My friend Gina is an incredibly gifted physical therapist. She's been working on my back for me. What she does is get into the muscles and tissue-unknotting and releasing toxins that have built up and cause tightness and pain. It hurts. A whole lot. This is no "massage". It is an incredibly deep pain. But even in the middle of the intense pain, I can feel muscles relaxing and knots being released. There was an incredible sense of freedom and healing that took place in the pain. And of course, afterwards, I was a bit sore but moving much more freely.  

God reminded me of something with this that I believe we don't like to face or consider as human beings, but that if we can learn to embrace, will drastically alter who we are and how we react to everything that comes into our path. This is going to sound crazy........

PAIN. IS. GOOD. 
Yep. I meant to say that. 
When looking at Scripture and life circumstances combined, one can see that while God never inflicts pain, He does allow it to remain. A lot of people-myself included-have a very difficult time with this. But if you consider it, you'll find that those who know the deepest joy, who are intimate with Jesus and move and breath with the spirit-are the ones who've experienced the deepest pain. Sometimes healing and freedom can't take place unless we go through a painful ripping and tearing and re-constructing. Yes, it hurts. But it always heals more beautifully than we can imagine it would. He knows what He's doing! Let the ultimate healer work!:)

Wisdom.

I feel as if a lot of people think they know what I should be doing. It's hard to keep a level head when so much comes at you. Get into this field. No-THIS is more important. Go to school. Don't waste your time. Apply here. Apply there. Contact THIS person. My whole life, ive been told what I'm going to do & then was promptly enrolled. I got so used to it. Now, I've realized that I'm paralyzed by the fear of making a wrong decision or failing. This weekend a good friend made a comment about some of the things I do and some of the way I am and I fell apart. I was devastated at the thought that she disapproves of something in me or my life. I don't think it's good I felt like that. I'm not very capable of simply making my mind up or knowing what it is I most WANT to do. I'm attempting to change that-right now. Today. I am going to strive to make the decisions I believe the Lord okays and that I want to make. I need to be my own person. I WILL end up making decisions that others extremely dear to my heart may disapprove of or that they absolutely wouldn't make if they were in my exact shoes. I need to realize that and that it's okay. We're all unique. I keep thinking "what would so-and-so do here?" and I tend to move toward THAT action. This is ludicrous! Why am I doing that? I am me. There is nobody else like me. I'm weird. I'm my own person. The King knit me together to be exactly as I am. And as a result, I need to fully BE who I am. Without apology and shame of any sort. This is so foreign to me. It will take a very large amount of work. So I'm starting.....now.

*Jesus-show me who I truly am and teach me how to fully be that person.

God is so much more interested in the person we are and are becoming than the actual thing we are doing. This is a huge deal. And something I have utterly forgotten. 

Anyone else out there have an extremely difficult time with this? I don't know if it's normal to struggle with this at this large of an extent. Or if it's just the recipe of me+human-ness+my upbringing+the enemy. Whatever the reason, I continually fall into a pit of total striving and working and trying to be better and get further. But somewhere along the way I've lost focus. At least the kind of focus I once experienced. 

I remember a season in which I moved and breathed in tune with the Spirit. I was listening to his heart and walking in the wind of His movement- each day an adventure of Divine appointments and insight and seeing His movement in everything. And that was the goal. The priority. Then I let Starbucks happen. I don't want to BLAME Starbucks. After all, I control my choices and my days. And I chose to let my days be controlled by work for the last year and a half. I have realized this on several occasions but haven't changed much.

it's a dark environment and a mission field if there ever was one. There is an incredibly massive desperation for hope and the Jesus that offers it in droves. But I've let work take over. I stopped listening & watching closely for the ways in which Aslan is on the move. I quit trying to develop any artistic side I have because I work so much. And I stopped having meaty spiritual conversations because "everyone's just too busy." Ugh. There is so much more to life and I need to focus. On what matters. Kingdom. People. People colliding with the reality of The Kingdom. Kicking demonic butt. NOT working more. NOT fighting and scratching my way to the top just for a few more dollars to make it easier to pay the rent. I've already been missing things at church because I'm afraid to ask for it off and lose hours. I need this mindset to change. I need to re-wire my entire way of thinking towards my time. I've reverted to an unhealthy path. This is me confessing it and declaring war on normal Americanized Christian living. Let the battle begin. (I already know who wins.)

Inheritance.

By the power of your hand, O LORD,
destroy those who look to this world for their reward.
But satisfy the hunger of your treasured ones.
May their children have plenty,
leaving an inheritance for their descendants. (Psalm 17:14 NLT)

I want this to be me and my future family. You know-I believe that when it says "leaving an inheritance for their children", it's not talking at all about money. Or physical things. I believe the greatest inheritance we can leave our children is Jesus Christ Himself. I believe that's exactly what this verse is talking about. The LORD tells us many times in scripture that He is our inheritance. That He WILL be our inheritance. And when pondering that, I realize.....it just doesn't get any better.

Presence

He is so evident in everything-we just don't see it. He longs for more intimacy with us-we just overlook it. He has unbelievable adventure for the taking-but we're too busy with our own agendas. He has power beyond our imagination at his fingertips-but we live in unbelief. We miss the quiet ways in which His presence rustles among the breeze and the brush-strokes of His hand are displayed in the sunsets and sunrises. The peaceful sound of His laughter in the water of the streams as it moves and trickles around the rocks. The romance He tries to overtake us with in the color of every flower and field. This is what happens to all of us lest we are careful not to let it. I know the world is bustling around me-keeping appointment after appointment and client after client. Working day after day to get somewhere higher in the world. I know that's "normal" for where I live. But I can't stop asking myself what it's all for. I can't stop thinking to myself "what if the highest place I can strive to get is actually the most quiet, still moments of the day? What is it I truly don't want to miss?

The expression of sadness that almost everyone else misses in my customer's eyes? The teenager who goes un-noticed? The co-worker who just needs an ear? The pastor or even celebrity that is desperate to have a normal everyday conversation? The whisper of the holy spirit As He gives me insight into someone's life I normally wouldn't have? The still of the twilight? The way His voice roars in that still moment if I shut the radio off? The anticipation of a future that goes deeper than I can imagine?.....
Yes. Those are the things I long to grasp. The things that are worth working harder to obtain. No healthy, confident, secure, in-tune person every gets there by accident. It takes work. A lot. But can you say it's not worth it? These are things I long for. I strive for. No matter how weird it makes me. 

Band Practice.

This right here feels like "home",
the band playing in every key & tone.
Songs written by the people here,
The talent and gifting of a musical ear.
The passion that drives the artistic work,
An understanding of the project & it's worth.

Suddenly I'm transformed to an alternate universe,
back to the Narnia I was separated from with the curse.
I sense Aslan's presence is in the sounds of the hums,
the flute, violin, and the beats of the drum.
It's the sound of His march among the room,
Reminds me that He'll be on the Earth again soon.
I long to return to this universe again,
Rather than get caught in the trap I've been in. 
Jesus, come walk among each day in this way,
With the powerful music of your roar on display. 
Let me not leave the artistic world in my spirit and heart. 
Even when on Monday this place I must depart. 
I long to tap into the artist in me,
Because then it will be YOU I will see. 
Allow me to walk in fullness of who I am,
Create something beautiful and different with your powerful hands.

Surviving vs. Living

Thought of the day:
Are you surviving?... Or living?
There's a huge difference. 

It isn't about money. Or status. Or how much knowledge you obtain. Your degree isn't going to do it for you. Neither is the corner office or plaque on the desk. If you were only surviving life before those things, that isn't going to change. If you were truly living, they may not even be desirable to you. What REALLY makes the difference? 

I know who I used to be. I know who I am now. I know the impossibility of that change. No. The rest doesn't really matter.

Focus.

"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. "Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion-do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers-most of which are never even seen-don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:25-34 MSG)

Peoples

When I was little, I used to play with peoples. Do you remember those things? I would build towns and cities and place all the little wooden people all throughout.  I would have a designated spot that I would place each little person. Created just for them. And they would have conversations, and jobs, and cars, and purpose. I spent hours lost in this world every day when I was little. 

I haven't thought about those peoples for years. Yesterday, I was driving in the quiet with Jesus. Out of the blue, I had a vision flash before my eyes. A vision of peoples. They were all set up in their town, in their designated spots. Then, I saw myself playing with them. I created a whole new area and amazing new house for this one little guy who had been placed in the very corner of the town next to a lamppost on the street. But when I tried to pick him up from his old spot next to that lamppost to clean him up and re-paint him and place him in the brand new area that was a hundred times better that I had created just for him, he didn't want to go. He screamed "No! No! This is my spot! This is the area you've created for me. This is where I'm used to being & where I'm content. Don't take me away from all that!" As i reached down to pick him up and move him, he grabbed onto that lamp post for dear life. As if that was gonna stop me from moving him when i decided the time was right. I thought about how ridiculous it is that the little dude was freaking out about being moved from his spot when what I wanted to do was restore and give him a place that I had specifically created to showcase his color and personality. A place that is much larger and more beautiful than anything this little guy had ever laid eyes on. And here he was, fighting me from moving him because he didn't trust what I wanted to do with him. As all of this went flooding through my mind in about a 2 minute period of time, I realized the reason and significance of this flash of Divine imagination running through my head. I saw it. I knew.... How often are we that little peoples dude? How often do we grab and hang on to our current spot or position for dear life-thinking "No, Lord! Don't move me. This is the lot you've given me. Don't uproot me! I'm happy. I'm content." When what He has for us is a whole new beautiful and incredible world beyond our imagining. He won't force it on us. But he has it to freely give. If we simply step into that faith and let go. The future can be more incredible than we've ever dreamed. It's not a fairy tale. It's our reality. Grab it. Dive into it. Let go.